I've had my DD 16 arrested - I feel like shit

[Doinmummy]

After many many problems with my DD 16 I has her arrested today. I feel like shit. We're undergoing a programme called MST and it's really really tough. She blew up at me one time too many, I has to leave the house in just my dressing gown.

When I came home I found my daughter gone , my bedroom trashed along with the Christmas tree smashed to pieces. She's also found and taken all her Christmas presents with her.

[CastlesInTheSand]

You did the right thing. Nobody should ever have to leave their house in just their dressing gown.

You did this for yourself - but also for her. She has to change.

Well done.

[Doinmummy]

Thank you , she so desperately needs help. She's been smoking cannabis for a couple of years and she has changed so dramatically . She's always been 'tricky' but these last couple of years have been hell. I feel sick - what is going to happen to her? She is so verbally abusive to me all the time , it's exhausting .

We've been discharged from Cahms after just 2 sessions . SS have been useless .

What have I done ? I'm so scared for her future .

[PotteringAlong]

You hAve tried to give her the wake up call that will hopefully be the trigger to her getting help. That was a very brave act of parenting

[Starlightbright1]

I am not sure what else you could of done .. My exH smoked cannabis and I saw the changes in him when he smoked heavily. It is a really tough road you are on.

[Doinmummy]

Her moods are horrendous- don't ever put anyone in front of me and tell me cannabis is harmless.

She's going out with a lad that steals for a living and she puts pressure on him to get money for the weed.

The MST programme is really hard. I've had to traipse round the town and local Parks to try and get her to come home but it just inflames her mood.

My friend called 999 today and it took 4 hours for police to turn up . When DD was still in the house , the social worker went there and deemed everything ok when he knocked on the door and got no answer . Then , after a while he said that the police should bring her home if they found her. It took all my strength to keep repeating that I cannot have her back home. I'm so tired from it all but can't sleep.

[HesNotAMessiah]

No experience of this but I think you did the right thing.

Even if she's remotely apologetic and she might well be in the brief window of clarity between drugs episodes, all you can do is tell her this is unacceptable in your house and she cannot live there unless things change.

There will be a part of her which will think that being by herself isn't such a great thing. How long that might take to kick in who knows? Days, weeks, years possibly.

Sadly she's old enough to take responsibility for herself and that's just what she's going to have to do. Trying to get her to question her lifestyle and what her future may look like I expect has got you nowhere?

You've done your bit for 16 years and maybe now it's time for her to find out what being independent means?

Good luck.

[Aussiemum78]

I suppose you've already tried a GP? Is her drug use self medicating for depression or another mh issue?

Has she left school?

It sounds like you are using the resources you have already.

For what it's worth. You are doing the right thing. You can't allow her to abuse you and this is a lesson she will learn the hard way.

[Doinmummy]

When I try to talk to her about what's troubling her and why she is so angry with me, all she can say is that she hates me because of all the shit she's had in her life. When I try to get her to talk she flares up and just screams at me. I've said I will help her in every way I can but she needs to accept help.

She was expelled from school earlier this year, but all credit to her she did pass all her GCSE's. I helped her to her an apprenticeship but she was sacked because of lack of attendance due to the fact that she'd run off to her boyfriends who lives too far away from her workplace for her to get there.

Since then I've helped her get another apprenticeship which she is waiting for the CRB checks to be done before she can start.

I feel awful having her arrested because if she gets a criminal record she will lose this job too.

I have hardly slept. She's my only child and it's all such a mess.

[SunnyBaudelaire]

I wish there was a hug emoticon I would send it to you...

[Megsdaughter]

I could have written you post 4 years ago.

SW was completely useless as was Cahms. Finally did the same as you after an incident with violence went one step to far.

Doin if you want to msg me please do.

The nightmare you are living is truly awful and I wish I had somebody to talk to through then.

[bobs123]

So sorry and sending you hugs. We had something similar and I gave SS the choice of going to school one more week before going on study leave prior to his GCSEs, or to find somewhere else to live. He chose the latter, but because stbx handled it all wrong and kept on giving him money he ended up in prison.

I'm in no way trying to make you feel worse - more saying that in throwing her out you have done the right thing. But now you have to stay strong for your DDs sake. They say they have to hit rock bottom and face the consequences of their actions. Do not give her any money.

We spoke to a councillor once who had her drug addict of a son living with her so he had a roof over her head, but she had absolutely nothing of any value in the house.

You sound like a great Mum who has done her best, but you seem to have a DD who is very angry and resentful and is looking for someone to blame. Hopefully she will get expert help

[Doinmummy]

Her hatred for me is so strong I can feel it coming out of her, even if she doesn't speak.

I wracked with guilt.

[SunnyBaudelaire]

doinmummy in a few years you will be 'friends' again I am sure.

[HesNotAMessiah]

She doesn't hate you, you need to believe that. However much it hurts to experience what she says and does.

You say her mood swings are horrendous, but you can't know for sure if they're entirely drug related or not. Many teens, mine included, can go from hysterical screaming to lovable child in a matter of minutes.

The drugs aren't going to help though, that's for sure.

What I'm trying to say is take all the peripherals away - drugs, boyfriend, 'all the shit in her life' - and what you seem to have is a teenager who is really struggling to cope with growing up.

The fact she took her Christmas presents says something? Unless you believe she is going to sell them for drug money (and she could have taken anything for that) maybe the child in her saw them and went 'ooh, presents! For me!!' and took them - in her eyes their hers anyway.

I'm not excusing anything she has done, just trying to suggest a way of dealing with what happens by detaching from it. Not an easy thing for a parent to do, especially a mum.

She got her GCSE's - that is NOT a daughter who doesn't care about her future, or who doesn't understand a need for hard work. So something you've taught her in life has stuck.

You just need to hang on for the ride until the other stuff you tried to teach her comes through too.

I support what you've done entirely. Whether she's pushing boundaries, fighting against your parental authority or just trying to work out the rules in her new young adult life, she's gone too far. And now she needs to understand that in her new world where she thinks she's invincible, she isn't and that this is not acceptable.

You can make it clear to her that she is welcome in your home, but there are standards of courtesy and behaviour that come with that. Drug taking a definite no. Those are the rules, she breaks them and she's out.

You need to be totally unemotive in your dealing with her, state your terms. She may argue or try and discuss. do not. State your terms. Just do that and walk away from any argument.

Be ready to accept that she won't stick to them completely, because she won't remember them mostly and teens don'ty really live in an exact world. If she crosses or looks like crossing the lines, just re-state your terms and walk away from any argument.

I know it's not that simple in practice. But you are no longer her mum in a nurturing sense, you're the controlling parent she's fighting to be independent from. You have no parenting weapons left, other than removing the roof from over her head, she will understand that if you tell her clearly and often enough.

And not in the heat of an argument.

I'm sure you know this though.

[youmakemydreams]

I have read previous posts of yours although don't know if I've commented. You feel guilty of course you do she is your daughter but you have tried literally everything and had bugger all useful support from outside agencies.
You did the right thing. You cannot keep living as you have been. If a stranger had trashed your home you would have called the police. It is hard because it's your child but it was the right thing to do.

Stay firm re not having her home. You need to look after your own health mental and physical for a while here. Big hugs for you.

[specialsubject]

you did the right thing. She is a danger to you and this had to be done.

let us hope she can see the need for help and accept it.

and reserve your hatred for the boy using her for sex and money. May she see the light.

[Doinmummy]

I have a mothers hope that she comes good. I can't bear the thought of her frightened and alone in a police cell. I know it's a case of cruel to be kind but I'm her mum and I love her

[26Point2Miles]

ask the police for some YOT intervention. worked a bit for us.....that's youth offending team. in the end though it was a few years on til dd outgrew it all and realised

[Muskey]

I hope that things work out much better than you currently feel. You did the right thing. Use the time apart to take a breath and try and make a plan to move forward which is helpful for you and your daughter. Sending you a virtual hug

[MishMooshAndMogwai]

A little off topic to start with but MNHQ is the 'what to buy for your fussy teen' xmas ad completely necessary mid way through this thread?

OP I read your previous thread and although I have nothing practical to add I wanted to say that you took a massive, brave step today and I really hope things improve from here x

[Doinmummy]

Thanks all. I wouldn't wish this situation on anyone .

I know I'll get slated but I've taken up smoking again ( no bloody wonder really) I'm having to eke out a packet because DD took my handbag so I had to cancel all my cards which means I've got no money to bloody buy some more.

[26Point2Miles]

She's gone too far... What were her presents? I'm guessing they will sell them

[Lagoonablue]

MST has a good evidence base. Stick with the programme. I know it's tough though.

[Doinmummy]

Among many of her presents were a pair of Timberland boots , I found the empty box in her bedroom so I guess she's wearing them.

I've read everything. I can on MST , I know the evidence and success rate etc but I cannot tolerate violence

[Doinmummy]

I think MST is easier in slightly younger teens, for every misdemeanour there has to be a separate consequence. I only have 2 at my disposal - no internet and if she doesn't come home I go out and physically find her, which is impossible sometimes . She hasn't got a mobile (took that away after a £600 bill) and refuses to have a cheap PAYG. Grounding her is futile as she will use violence to get out or she climbs out her window while I'm asleep.