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chaos1234 Mon 24-Nov-14 02:38:20

Hi just wanting to gather some opinions on teen boys and girlfriends !! My stepson who is a lovely young man is seeing a girl whom we all adore . Problems are starting to arise because she is virtually living with us now and they are sleeping together which I'm not really happy about .I'll also add that he works full time and pays board . My question s are .....1 am I being harsh in trying to limit the sleepovers to 1 or 2 nights a week ? .........2 does he have the right to do as he pleases because he is paying board ? ......3 as a step mum do I even have a say ?

holeinmyheart Mon 24-Nov-14 02:59:41

Where is her Mum in all this? Because it is really her responsibility to talk to her about contraception and your husbands role to speak to him about the same. I hope they are taking precautions.
As to your rights. I think you have rights if her staying is making you work harder and you work a well. I think you could limit the sleepovers to the weekend.
Do you make extra food for her. Is she costing you more in terms of bathroom use? If you think she is making your bills increase and life harder then perhaps you could get his Dad to ask for extra money if that's an issue. ( you can always save it up for him if you don't need it) but then they will expect more.
Also there is the issue of privacy. I couldn't make it out on what were the exact grounds you were concerned about her staying so often.
I certainly DO not think he has the right to do as he likes. It is your home as well as his and he probably contributes the smaller monetary amount. He is also not paying for her. If she is staying a lot she should pay as well.
Difficult, as you are his Step mum. I think I would get his Dad to do the main telling.
I would only do what you want to do as well. No cooking, washing ironing cleaning etc.for them, or you could get her to help you in exchange for the roof over her head. Mmm difficult.

HesNotAMessiah Mon 24-Nov-14 11:00:33

Ages?

chaos1234 Mon 24-Nov-14 23:39:16

Yes it is difficult , I did ask for it to be only weekends and was told I was being unreasonable by dad , my reasons for only on weekends being that my stepson will be home to amuse her , we are a hard working hectic household we run our own business , I take care of all paper work and all household and garden duties , it kind of grinds my gears because she doesn't work or go to school , wakes up at lunch time or later then strolls out and sits around for a couple of hours until my stepson comes home . Ill also add we have other children and I don't really want this example being set to them .

chaos1234 Mon 24-Nov-14 23:39:48

They are 16

Catsarebastards Mon 24-Nov-14 23:42:32

Where is her Mum in all this? Because it is really her responsibility to talk to her about contraception

Why just her mum? confused

holeinmyheart Wed 26-Nov-14 07:15:29

Gosh only 16 and she is lying about all day in your house. Nightmare!
The problem is you are his Step Mother. If his Father and ex think this is OK behaviour then there is not much you can do about it without his support.

It would be great to sit the pair of them down and say.

1. I don't want you to sleep together because you are far too young to deal with the consequences.
2. This is my home and your girlfriend being here 24/7 is impacting on my privacy.
3. Your behaviour is setting a poor example to the others in the house ( I imagine you with three other children and when they get to 16, you have to get them all double beds because they moved their partners in etc)

However, guess what ? they will not think you are being reasonable. They are 16 and know everything. Your Stepson is experiencing ' Hot Sex.' That versus his Step Mother's rules? No contest. SORRY.

I think the only way forward is through your DH. And the only argument is the impact on your other children and also if you make him work harder, cleaning up after them and making the extra food etc.
It would be possible to ask them both to help vacuum etc.
Also if your stepson is studying for his 'A' levels she will be a distraction. Does he want his son to fail?

You don't say where her parents are in all this. As if she becomes pregnant they will have to / or not help her.
Why isn't she at school or doing some training?

It is at times like this when I sometimes wondered if it wouldn't be a good idea to belong to a strict religious sect that forbade sex until at least 25.

Catsarebastards Wed 26-Nov-14 10:37:27

Holeinheart stop pming me. Post your comments on the thread.

I asked why just her mum because there didnt seem to be any obvious reason why this wouldnt also be her father's responsibility like you seemed to imply.

HesNotAMessiah Wed 26-Nov-14 11:26:57

At 16 I wouldn't be letting them sleep together. But that's because of historical reasons with showing a lack of consideration for ther est of the family.

And I certainly wouldn't be letting the g/f live in like this. She needs to get a life, smitten as she might be with DSS she shoudn't just be waiting on him. Perhaps she could go home and help her own mum out?

Step mum has nothing to do with it.

This is your house, you get to decide what goes on there. You're not interfering with your DSS's relationship or his life, you're just asking for your home back. Unless DP is actively asking for her to stay over all the time, he can have no argument about you preferrnig she went home.

DSS might get a bit chippy about having to go see g/f or have to walk her home at night but... tough!

We had a similar issue with our daughter. She just seemed to be spending all her time at b/f's house whether he was there or not. His parents were useless at any sort of curfew (she was still at school) and she often came home looking awful and pale and starving!

In the end we said enough as enough, she could stay over at weekends and that's worked really well. She's much happier in herself and much less dependent on him.

Heyho111 Wed 26-Nov-14 17:32:14

To put a spin on it I think it's lovely that you have such a good relationship with your step son. Most boys spend the majority of the time at the girls house not the other way round. She must feel welcome and your step son very content in the family home.
Of course you can limit the amount she stays. That's very reasonable.
I was going to say young love is very full on but I think all new love is full on. It's nice they can be together in a safe environment.
Sleeping seperatly does not stop sex. Sleeping in the same bed does not encourage it when they are already doing it. Sleeping in seperate houses does not lessen the intensity of their feelings. It just masks it from the parents.
You however are allowed rules that make you feel comfortable. We all have different tolerances / views so what I would allow is very different from another person.

chaos1234 Thu 27-Nov-14 01:54:02

Thanks for the advice , firstly about contraception , it has been talked over with him and my 16 yo by his dad and myself in an open conversation so all I can hope for is they take it on board . As for her family I really don't think they care infact they encourage the sleep overs , I don't want to pick at her family but I will say they started there family at the age of 16 and married young , the mum and dad don't work and nor do any of her older siblings so to them its normal life hmm . My stepsons dad doesn't seem to mind either and its actually caused some arguments with his dad and I over the last few days . I do feel like my privacy is being invaded with her here all the time so I'm going to stick to my guns and encourage weekends when my stepson is home and the odd night through the week

holeinmyheart Thu 27-Nov-14 06:56:02

I know very well that not being able to sleep openly in the home does not prevent sexual activity but at what age do you draw the line? Some children are having sex at 11. Parental disapproval is vital in some areas as it sets boundaries.
This whole situation is happening because the GF parents have not said NO. And the DF in this case is being too easy going. He is not listening to chaos
I think you sound a great Mum chaos and I am sorry that you find yourself in the position where you are really acting as a Hotel house keeper and also picking up a parenting role on behalf of the GFs family. They sound as though they are quite pleased to have her in your home not theirs. Feckless lot.
Hey It is relevant that the post is a Step Mother. It would be nice to ignore that fact but the post mentions it herself several times. I feel that she feels that she is being undermined ( which is true) and it is a difficult position to be in. I do think it would be easier if she was his Biological Mother. She is aware of the fact and so I became aware of it. It is good that she gets on with him though, good for her ! It shows what a nice person she is. Also she cares about him and is be worried about the situation.
catsarebastards where is your helpful post? It seems a bit of a waste of time, just taking the trouble to flame someone else's post without writing something helpful yourself. Then when I write to you privately to tell you, you then post another totally irrelevant, post telling me not to. This forum is supposed to be for giving people advice, it is not supposed to be for flaming each other's posts. Have a look on the MN guide lines. I also think cats are gorgeous.

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