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Should I be disappointed in my daughter?

(71 Posts)
nellal123 Sun 23-Nov-14 22:48:46

This is my first post having been a long time lurker.

My daughter is 16 and in a serious relationship with her boyfriend who is just under two years older. They have been together for about four months, although were best friends for a long time before that, and appear to be very loving and committed to each other, and want a future together. I suspected that they may have begun a sexual relationship, or were at least planning on it, so one evening I confronted her about it and she told me that they had. I was shocked as I didn’t believe she would have done this so young, as this is not the way I believe I have brought her up. She was always such a sensible young girl who spent time with her friends and family and worked hard on her hobbies and education. I am so disappointed in her lack of morals. I brought her up to act more responsibly than this.

I feel like having taken this path into such an adult relationship at such a young age it will be damaging to her future and to her education, meaning she will not reach her full potential. Is it right to think this? I have told her that she must go and see a GP or sexual health nurse, not necessarily with me, and get herself on the pill as well as using condoms to ensure the most protection and safety from STDs and Pregnancy. I have pressed upon her my views that she is too young and should wait until she is 18 when she can be physically and emotionally ready for such a relationship, as I feel she is far too young and should wait until the end of her education. I have made my feelings clear that I disagree with the path she has taken, but she has said she is 16 and in love so it is her right to do what she feels best. I know that her and her boyfriend are very much in love and I do like her boyfriend as he is a polite and caring young gentleman, however I do not agree with their choice to not wait and have made that clear. What do other people think? Am I being too severe?
My daughter has also asked if she can go away for a couple of nights with her boyfriend, as they would like to get away from stresses they have faced at home. They also think it will be good for when said boyfriend goes away to university next year and she wants to go and visit for some nights. I have positively refused this suggestion, as I cannot give her permission to have sex for three days straight in a hotel room. She has claimed they want to spend some time relaxing and exploring wherever they may go, however I know this is what they want to do and I do not want to allow it. I have told her that I will not let her go away with her boyfriend until she is 18 and moves out for university, as I do not agree with what they are doing and how they have handled their relationship. Is this the right thing to do?

I am not too sure how to handle the situation in the best way, so am open to opinions and suggestions. She seems to think I don't love or care about her but I don't think I have done anything wrong sad.

Crumblevision Sun 23-Nov-14 22:54:43

She is 16. You can't stop her from having sex. Or from staying with her boyfriend. They sound like decent young people. You can stop him from staying the night under your roof but that is about it.

Thehedgehogsong Sun 23-Nov-14 22:58:36

I think that having sex legally and in a loving committed relationship is a very sensible thing for her to be doing and she would have told you about it openly when it first began if she felt that you would treat her fairly. The fact you had to confront her about it says something about how much she trusts you to trust and respect her.

Mrsfluff Sun 23-Nov-14 22:58:44

You have really overeacted! Your poor daughter sad

ellenjames Sun 23-Nov-14 22:59:20

She is 16! Sorry but she will do what she wants regardless of your opinion, and surely you are better off supporting her, than potentially pushing her away.

geologyrocks Sun 23-Nov-14 22:59:26

You obv feel very disappointed in your daughter. I don't think you should.

its her body. she felt ready. she's in live with a guy you say is lovely.

For what it's worth, I feel you have handled this terribly.

you suspected that they had been in a sexual relationship...and asked and didn't like the response so she got the third degree.

yes I think it's a good idea to discuss contraception but discuss it and not just enforce what you want.

as for the break away. I'm speechless. you said you weren't giving her permission of three days of sec in a hotel room...well...everything isn't about sex you know.

your daughter seems like an open, honest young girl and by reading your op you've treated her terribly with your dictatorship.

Thehedgehogsong Sun 23-Nov-14 22:59:58

I hope that didn't come across too harshly. I mean you need to work on your communication with her. You are past the point of just laying down the law and expecting her to obey. Communication will keep her safe and your relationship working.

Allstoppedup Sun 23-Nov-14 23:06:08

She is in a happy, loving, respectful relationship.

She has been honest when you have questioned her about this and explained why she personally feels ready.

You were right to offer advice regarding her health but you don't actually say what your daughter was doing about protection anyway so could have been behaving in a sexually responsible way already.

Morals have nothing to do with it!Just because she is having a sexual relationship does not mean she is a bad person. She seems a sensible girl and legally she is aable to do as she wishes with her own body . I would back off if you don't want to push her away and discourage her from being open and honest with you in the future.

It must be difficult for you to see this side of your daughter but you need to respect her choices as long as she is being safe.

nellal123 Sun 23-Nov-14 23:20:47

She says they have been using protection and have been very careful. I feel that I brought her up with better morals than to behave like this. angry

LineRunner Sun 23-Nov-14 23:23:45

Morals? Goodness.

RiaOverTheRainbow Sun 23-Nov-14 23:23:56

What exactly is immoral about her behaviour?

SunshineDaisy Sun 23-Nov-14 23:30:27

I think you have overreacted to be honest. She is 16 so legally old enough and you say that they are loving and committed to one another so I don't really think there's a problem. Is she neglecting her studies to spend more time with him? If not I think encourage her to have safe sex and let them spend time together.
DS1 (17) was in a relationship for about a year last year and we suspect it may have been sexual but he has always been explicitly told about practicing safe sex we trusted him and didn't confront him about it. DS2 (15) has actively consulted DH about beginning a sexual relationship and DH advised him against him at this time due to legality and DS2 being somewhat immature. But at the end of the day they're teenagers and we can't actually stop them.
Try and talk to her about in a calm manner. Make sure she's happy. But don't be disappointed, it sounds like they are a sensible couple and I'm sure she will be fine and still have a great future.

leeloo1 Sun 23-Nov-14 23:34:23

They probably wouldn't have sex for 3 days straight - they'd need to stop for food, drinks and a wee too!

Seriously, you need to swallow your disappointment and stop making their relationship all about sex! Eg dd says they'd explore where they're staying but 'you know what they'd really be doing' -uh no you don't know and you're putting the worst possible connotation on it all.

Your dd was honest with you and she's right, she can do what she wants. She'll be having sex whether you want her to or not, so please try to be supportive or you'll drive her away or encourage her to lie next time you ask! ('yes mum you're so right, I'm too young to have sex. Can I go away for a few days with my bf now?')

Shadow1986 Sun 23-Nov-14 23:34:41

Behave like what? She's not sleeping around is she. She's doing nothing wrong poor girl. And you, the one person she should be able to confide in, has probably made her feel terrible about it. Having sex at 16 with your long term boyfriend who you love doesn't mean you're lacking in morals?!

the age of consent is 16 not 18 so why should she wait till 18?

I so hope when my daughter is 16 I remember this thread and use it as a guide as how not to react!

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut Sun 23-Nov-14 23:40:49

Is this yet another reverse?

HangingInAGruffaloStance Sun 23-Nov-14 23:40:58

It is very hard to know what to say. Assuming you just find sex immoral? Keep in mind that almost everyone has or has had sex. Including you! Your daughter has chosen to have sex with someone who sounds lovely, in the context of a caring relationship. Things could be worse.

I don't really think you can withhold permission for her to do anything. You just risk pushing her away. This talk of "sex for three day straight" suggests that you are thinking too much about the details of her sex life, which is not your business.

Your daughter sounds lovely, mature, and very accommodating of your unreasonable approach.

Allstoppedup Sun 23-Nov-14 23:42:10

nellal you should be proud. You have brought up a daughter who is sensible with regards to protection, has waited until she felt ready with a caring loving partner and has been honest with you despite you obviously being fairly conservative in your views on pre marital sex (I presume as I'm not sure when you would see it morally acceptable for her to have sex?)

I honestly think you need to focus on those positive behaviours rather than condemning her behaviour as immoral.

It sounds as though you have raised her very well.

andsmileitschristmas Sun 23-Nov-14 23:42:37

I think you must have a good relationship with your daughter for her to have confided in you about this. Maybe even knowing how you felt about her having a sex life at this age.

They are having sex, they will have more. I think you need to accept this - it is her path. Support her in the next few years into adulthood. Be part of it through your care and support. This relationship will likely end in the short term and she may really need you.

Dont allow a divide to seperate you over this. I think its ok to say you thought shed wait and you disagree (in a nice way not all put downy sort of tones) but you are still there for her.

I think 16 is longer that a lot of teens wait nowadays and she is in a relationships unlike many teens who seem to treat it more a sport.

'*behave like this*' she is not actually doing anything wrong my many of todays standards - but this is broadly speaking. Be there for her.

Iggi999 Sun 23-Nov-14 23:43:47

OP do you mean that you wanted/expected her to wait for marriage before having sex? Because if so, her being 16 or 18 makes no difference. If you're not bothered that it is premarital sex, then why is her age quite such an issue? It's not nice I suppose to think of dcs growing up, and the potential for them having their heart broken or whatever. I imagine your dd is feeling very sad right now, and probably wishing she'd lied to you instead.

Pensionerpeep Sun 23-Nov-14 23:50:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rockybalboa Sun 23-Nov-14 23:56:58

Morals?! Is there a religious element to this which dictates no sex before marriage? If not you are being very controlling which won't end well. She's 16, it's legal. And she sounds pretty sensible too to be fair. You, less so...

Snapespotions Sun 23-Nov-14 23:57:05

What an odd post. Is this a reverse?

JeanetteDanielsBenziger Sun 23-Nov-14 23:58:42

What exactly is immoral about two people in a loving relationship having sex?

velourvoyageur Mon 24-Nov-14 04:32:34

If I were your daughter I would be very disappointed in you.....she will remember this for later OP. It's 2014!

Hugeheadache Mon 24-Nov-14 05:28:17

OP, are you religious? Because even if you were, it is her body, her beliefs. She is behaving very morally from what you tell us, and has shown trust in you by talking to you. Do not destroy this trust by imposing your own views on an otherwise lovely, responsible young woman.
Or perhaps you belong to a different ethnicity where this behaviour is actively condemned? If so, you will struggle to find support on this forum. Just saying.

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