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17 yr old daughter

(6 Posts)
Julie0210 Sun 16-Nov-14 16:44:20

Hi, I'm new to this so hope my post is okay. My daughter has never really had one best friend but has always has friendships. In March she met her current boyfriend, she was 16 and he was 22. Immediately became very close and my husband and I reluctantly allowed him to stay overnight. She was approaching her GCSEs and we wanted to keep things as calm as possible to support her studies. Boyfriend then lost his job and she started staying over at his (lives with his mum) or him staying at ours. She refused to go on our summer holiday abroad as she didn't want to leave him, so stayed at his. Eventually she has started her apprenticeship, with a lot of help from me, but her behaviour when she is in is awful! Silly things like leaving room a tip, but always has bf with her - we never see her alone. When challenged on anything she is aggressive, swears, has pushed me and 'threatens' to leave. She stays at his a lot, and I'm starting to dread her being in the house - I have even changed jobs from working from home because I couldn't stand feeling intimidated by her. She has now also started being argumentative with my husband (step dad since she was two) and I honestly just feel like telling her to get out if she cannot be reasonable. She basically comes in, has a bath, cooks for both of them, causes a row by not clearing up then leaves. Am I being awful if I tell her to just live at his? If I do, any ideas on how to actually get her out? Feeling desperate!

Calico1706 Sun 16-Nov-14 18:41:52

This must be very hard for you. First love can be very intense and she will not be herself.

Whatever you do, stay close. Maybe suggest that the two of you go and do something together. Even just for a walk, or to do some Christmas shopping. Try and spend time not talking about her boyfriend or complaining.

17 is still very young. If you ask her to leave you may regret it.

Julie0210 Sun 16-Nov-14 23:02:59

Thanks, we went shopping last weekend and had a great time, it was the first time I had her alone for weeks. After my post we had a good conversation about her job, it's just the minute I say anything other than praise, or ask her to do anything there's a huge row again. I agree about not asking her to leave, if she does go I want it to be with my support rather than making her go - patience I guess

HesNotAMessiah Mon 17-Nov-14 14:22:26

You have my sympathies, we have something similar going on.

In our case the b/f is a complete waste of space would not be our choice of 'life companion'.

But similar intensity in the realtionship, very aggressive towards us and siblings.

Interestingly, and maybe it's just a coincidence, but she's had most of the weekend b/f free and has turned back into a nice person again. Not sure if its just extracting her from that emotional intensity or that DP bought her a book to help her with ther elationship which she seems to have read in earnest.

Don't ask me what it's called.....

jellybeans Fri 21-Nov-14 10:46:19

I have been through similar too. I would let the messy room and pots go to an extent but clamp down on any aggression and abuse towards you.

I don't let bf stay over but he is very volatile and DD shares a room so have excuses!

When my DD was abusive to us she was told to leave. No one has a right to abuse you in your own home. She stayed with relatives and bf but was begging to come back within a week. Now she knows we mean business and she can only stay here if she isn't abusive. Good luck.

Julie0210 Fri 21-Nov-14 11:46:47

Thanks, this week she has been lovely, though has stayed at bf several nights so haven't seen lots of her. Sending me lovely texts though, maybe having started her apprenticeship has helped her see things through more grown up eyes! Hopefully this will continue.....

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