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Reaching the end of my tether with 15yo DS

(8 Posts)
ProbablyMe Wed 12-Nov-14 14:14:06

I have 4DS aged between 11 and 17 (and am expecting again too). They are all very different - as children usually are! My DS2 age 15 is pushing me to my limits.

He's always been more keen on being Mr Popular than actually trying to achieve what he should or behave as he should at school. When he started in Year 7 I realised by the November that things were going awry and contacted the school. Various strategies were tried to get him to engage properly in lessons and in the end - by Year 8 - he was moved forms which is a very rare, last ditch thing at his school. He has been on behaviour cards more times than I can remember, his grades are lower than both myself and the school feel they should be because he won't put the effort in.

Myself and his father separated when he was about to go into Year 9. His father has never been involved with this sort of thing as he felt that it was my problem and he has been of no help with this issue preferring to be fun dad when they see him eow. My DP is very involved and interested in the boys welfare and education but he is in the forces and works away during the week.

Personality wise DS2 is very easy going, he's not a bully or the kind of boy to talk back to staff - he just messes around a lot.

A little before Christmas last year things began to get worse. I found some things relating first to smoking and then to cannibis in his room/bag. I was incredibly angry about this and his social life was seriously limited at that point although I did allow him some contact with his friends. In January of this year he was taken to hospital after having taken a "Legal" high. He once again swore it was a one off and he would change, and on the whole, I thought he had. School work has been actually getting done and he got through 5 months without being on report. I've also checked his messages several times (he lost the right for me not to look at them due to his behaviour) and what I've found worries me. Very highly sexualised conversations with girls.

This changed last week when I got his interim school report - his behaviour has deteriorated and he's back on report again. Today I have been phoned by the school to say that he has not turned up - we live in a rural area and I know he got the bus with his brothers this morning. He's not answering his phone and he has turned location services off on his phone so I can't find him via that either.

What really hurts is that he knows I will find out and therefore he has done this as a deliberate act and doesn't care about the consequences. I have no idea what to do now. We're moving home in a couple of weeks - I wasn't intending to change his school - I was going to do the 45 min drive each way rather than disrupt his GCSE year. Now I'm wondering whether I should change his school to get him away from his current social group? He wants to go into the Army next year and I can't get him to understand that his behaviour is seriously jeopardising this.

I'm expecting that he will probably come home on the bus with his brothers this evening. I have no idea what to say to him, how to deal with this. I am tired and sad and at a complete loss as to what to try now.

I'm sorry this has been long and rambling.

myotherusernameisbetter Wed 12-Nov-14 21:50:43

I don't have any advice to offer but just read your thread and wanted to let you know that someone was listening smile

How did this evening go?

Can he join the Cadets/air cadets or something to get him into a different circle and related to what he wants to do? Or maybe boxing or a sport of some kind where they are used to channelling energy positively?

ProbablyMe Wed 12-Nov-14 22:02:59

Thank you.

He didn't come home on the school bus and for about ten mins I thought he'd run away, but then he sent me a text saying that his clothes had got wet on the way to school and that he'd gone to a friends house to dry them off and it had taken ages and then he'd not wanted to face the music at school. I then went and picked him up. No idea if it's true or not, he isn't very good at telling the truth. In all honesty I haven't been able to bring myself to talk to him yet as I'm feeling so sad still. It feels like I can't get it right!

He was a Sea Cadet for a while but decided he didn't want to go anymore - think he felt it wasn't cool enough. I'm thinking about trying Army Cadets and making him go. At least it fits with what he wants to do for a job.

I've ended up being really snappy with DP on the phone too, just cos he isn't here, poor bloke.

myotherusernameisbetter Wed 12-Nov-14 22:06:55

Oh dear sad

Maybe just sleep on it and see what tomorrow brings?

RandomMess Wed 12-Nov-14 22:07:06

Just want to give you a hug and flowers I have no advice either apart from that joining one of the cadets would be a very good move.

poppymoon Tue 18-Nov-14 22:56:57

sad how are things now?

HesNotAMessiah Wed 19-Nov-14 15:08:46

If he wants to join the army, he's got a funny way of going about it. No way the army would tolerate this sort of behaviour in training, does he realise that?

And they'd be looking for more from him as a candidate than just being a school leaver, like showing an interest n the army? He should join cadets, and if he doesn't want to, see if you can find out what appeals about the army.

Maybe there's soemthing there that can shake awake the bored teenager? Could be something quite geeky like wargaming, or maybe military history.

Or even just military model making. Can you take him to any sort of museum - Imperial War, or RAF in Hendon, or the tank museum. Not sure where you live.

I sound like a grandad hmm

But the army aside, he just sounds like a typical drifting teenage boy. Does he see friends much outside of school? Maybe get them round during the week a bit and get him actually doing stuff?

Fingers x'd for you.

chocoluvva Sat 22-Nov-14 16:36:35

I wonder why he feels the need to be popular - it is hurting him. But he might already realise that.

Could he be frightened of failing? Does he compare himself unfavourably to any of his siblings? Does he think his peers will only like him if he's behaving like a rebel?

I'm sorry if this is irrelevant.

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