parent abuse - my 13 year old son is violent towards me

[helenaxxx]

My son of 13 years is sometimes violent towards me. Today he kicked me and punched me in the face, stabbed me repeatedly with a pen and told me he wanted to kill me. My cheekbone is aching but I'm lucky not to have a black eye. This was because I wouldn't hand over his brother's wallet to him. He also tried to attack his younger brother. All very stressful, each time it happens you think it's a one off and then it happens again and again and he's getting bigger and stronger. the time before he punched my in the kidney and it ached for several days and he said he did this intentionally. It's worrying. It's also very hard to be a loving caring, supportive mother to a person who has harmed and abused you. It's just such a hard situation that I never imagined I would be in and I don't really have the skills to deal with it.

I don't have any support with this problem. I know this sort of thing isn't that unusual, but it's not something I can tell my friends about and now I avoid telling my family. I've had to tell my Mum to stop visiting as my son attacked her last time she visited. I'm becoming more isolated because of it, being unable to invite people round to the house or go to things with him.

We are seeing a child psychologist and I'm sure she will be able to diagnose my son in time and give me the right parenting advice. He could have very mild aspergers but he could also have anti-social behaviour disorder. He could also be very affected by his father's behaviour. The father always found my older boy very difficult and was pretty nasty to him at times.

I'm thinking about installing a burglar alarm in my younger sons room and in the hall near my bedroom as my younger son is fearful of what his brother might do in the night. I'm also thinking about contacting the police to see if we could both get a panic alarm in case a worse case senario should arise. I warned him this time that I would get advice from the police if it happened again. But I am worried about involving the police.

I could also send one of my sons to boarding school so I'm thinking about that too. I thinking about all the options. i could send my younger son to live with my parents for a while, but that's not ideal as he would miss his friends.

I'm a single mum and my ex-husband was cruel and verbally abusive to me and still is very angry and says cruel things about me to my boys. The counsellor has suggested contact with the dad should be reduced, but they don't see their dad that much anyway.

I'm extremely busy and pretty stressed generally running a business trying to earn the small fortune is costs to provide for us, but I'm very calm and never raise my voice as I'm aware how important it is not to model any angry behaviour. I've thought about seeing a counsellor, but I'm very busy and it's not the run of the mill problem that most counsellors can help with or understand.

Anyway, I'm just feeling disheartened about it all and just thought I'd post on Mumsnet to see if anyone had any advice.

Thanks for reading!

[MyballsareSandy]

I'm also of the very calm, rational approach to parenting, try my hardest not to lose my temper, occasionally failing ..... BUT in this situation you absolutely do need to get bloody cross and let him know how out of order he is being. And def get the police involved, he's assaulting you.

[LaurieFairyCake]

You call the police every time he assaults you.

If you don't you're modelling it's ok to hit you.

You are being abused in your own home and it doesn't matter who is abusing you.

[LaurieFairyCake]

And btw you've done nothing wrong and it is NOT your fault.

[Lindi3108]

Oh my word. I think you need to get the police involved before it is too late. Your son sounds completely out of hand.

Lots of strength!

[BrowersBlues]

Parent abuse if more common than people realise. Counsellors will have this situation over and over. No parent ever imagines that they will be in this situation. Both of my DC have assaulted me and both times I rang the police who were absolutely amazing! They read them the riot act and told my DC in no uncertain terms that they would be arrested the next time.

Go to see your doctor and ask for a referral to CAMHS - Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services. My DS has been having anger management sessions and has found them very helpful.

I know you are busy and things are very stressful but you really need to address this before someone gets badly hurt.

[fakenamefornow]

Agree with those who say call the police, talk to them about panic buttons and SS about protecting your younger child.

[ChillySundays]

I am so sorry that this happening to you

Definitely get the police involved. He will carry on if there are no consequences. If this is not sorted out now it will get worse as he gets bigger and stronger

[Veh1970]

Hard as it may be, I think social services may need to be involved here. He is beating you and putting you and your son in fear to the point you are putting burglar alarms in rooms?! You may have to accept, that he will probably have to leave the family home, while this is resolved xxx

[helenaxxx]

Thanks so much for you advice, kind words and support. He came home this evening and was very sweet and handed back the money he took from his brother and was very sorry. We had a good chat about it all. He said he felt really bad and would agree to the behaviour contract we had before so I'm going to reinstate that. I told him that if it happened again the police would be called and he would have to face the consequences. We talked about the kind of thoughts that go through his head that escalate his aggression and he agreed to work on practicing some new thought patterns. So we will work on those this week.

Strange thing is that this last time his best friend was in the house and saw it all and my son didn't seem bothered or embarrassed by this. He's a very bright boy but there's some kind or awareness that he's missing.

Reading your messages and some other stuff on the internet I realise he does this because I've allowed it and it gets to a negative cycle where because he's behaved badly, he is living with being the baddy and all the bad feelings and low self esteem that go with that. So yes, I see I must not let him do this.

I've also been looking at 'non-violent resistance' and I think I will give this a try and just sit peacefully in front of the telly when he's not allowed on it.

Thanks again
feeling much better now
it really is the pits when your child turns on you, lots of very conflicting feelings

[ChillySundays]

Hope all goes well

[Henstable]

It is good to hear that things seem to have improved at the moment, but it is also right that what you experiencing is abuse and you may need to do something more organised to change things.
Non-violent Resistance is a recognised and effective programme where children are violent to parents. You may get some help from CAMHS. Social Services may be less able to provide what you need at the moment unless you are seeking accommodation for your son elsewhere. If you fear for your safety you should call the police. If you want to talk to someone you can call the Parentline Plus number which is on the Family Lives website. A website called Holes in the Wall provides some advice though it is not aimed specifically at parents.
I hope that you are soon able to move things forward in your family, restoring healthy and happy relationships between all of you. Keep safe!

[notanevilstepmother]

I would suggest talking to the police now for advice whilst things are calm. Apart from anything else they will have seen it all before and it will do you good to have someone to talk to. Also it makes it clear to him that you will follow through and not make empty threats. They may be able to get him the help he needs. Also if you go to the police yourself, it is clear to social services that you are dealing with the situation and are in control. If anything happens and you haven't, then you will have them on your back for your other son being at risk.

Ring the non emergency police number for your area and ask to speak to someone from domestic violence unit. Ask for a female if you prefer. The police get a bad name ssometimes but they have a lot of very caring officers in my experience.

[notanevilstepmother]

Oh and I would wonder if his agression and wanting money is drugs related. Is it always about money? Is he seeming scared if he can't get money?

Good luck and take care.

[thornrose]

Helena I've PM'd you.

[helenaxxx]

2017 update, from me, the abused mother.

My son is now 15 and is no longer angry and no longer gets agressive and this amount of progress is amazing to me and all my family. So please, other parents, don't give up hope!
I did call the police who referred me to a special team of social workers who visited us and were marvellous at talking to him and his younger brother. It reassured his younger brother a lot. They said the next step would be for him to visit the police station and try out sitting in a police cell for a few minutes which helps as these kids have to experience things to learn.
Both my sons have had therapy and They are both doing much better and I'm so thankful that this terrible stage is now over.
Good luck and heartfelt sympathy to anyone else out there who is going through something like this.

[corythatwas]

Well done you, that is amazing!!! I can imagine how hard you have had to work to get all that in place for your sons- you are an amazing mum!

[Bosabosa]

Hadn't realised this was an old thread and was lovely to see you come out the other side. Xx

[PenelopeFlintstone]

I'm so happy to hear that this has turned out well

[Iluvthe80s]

OP, my heart breaks for you. you need support-both practical and emotional. Our DS is 15- and we going through similar (DD who is 10 terrified of him). we have support from several agencies and SS are aware of our issues, as we contacted them for support and they then followed up last police report . They are not currently helping us as they feel neither child at risk and we are getting support from all the areas they would suggest-but after CAMHS meeting tomorrow, I may question that, as our DS is impossible to contain and we can not allow him, to ruin our daughter's childhood. Every time he is violent now, or threatens our DD, we will call 999. he has to see that we will not put up with his violence in our home. police have been superb every time we have called them. Really excellent

With the right support, your can break that cycle. has it got worse since he became a teen I wonder? I'd also suggest not sending the little one away-as he's done nothing wrong.

[Iluvthe80s]

Doh!!! sorry just missed the update! bad weekend!!!again!

I'm so happy for you!!! that fills me with hope. sorry all for missing that

[iun33]

My heart goes out to you. We are afraid this is next with our teens.
You are not alone.

[carnitine]

Thank you for the update, it is reassuring to know things can improve.