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DD HATE of school close to exclusion :-(

(16 Posts)
constantlyconfused Sun 09-Nov-14 10:05:11

I know it is fairly common for teens to "Hate" school from time to time but DDs hate of it is becoming all consuming.
DD has always struggled with education she has LDs so it has always been difficult but now she has given up and is on a path of self destruction. I hear from school two to three times a day .
About a year ago she said "no matter how hard i try I am always bottom of the class my levels are so far below everyone else i'll never catch up" . From this point she has given up does very little work.When confronted by staff she becomes very defiant. I have tried so many things rewards,incentives,sanctions , building her confidence but she has this wall up she will not "back down" as she sees it its a battle between school and her .
CAHMS are involved but as some of you may know a VERY slow process .Teachers are so fed up with her I can see it at the meetings its painful .They get into full on arguments with her and frankly can be much like stroppy teens towards her (eye rolling,finger in face, stomping lots of "I give up") . DD has started having panic attacks at school and tries to be "ill"every day . My work are losing their patience as i am always at school for meetings or having to take calls and I can't afford to be out of work. No local schools have space .
I am mentally exhausted any advice anyone or similar situation?

lljkk Sun 09-Nov-14 16:44:50

Is she truly bottom of the class by a large margin? Is it a very high attaining school?

School is just about one narrow set of skills. What is she good at, what does she excel at in real life?

26Point2Miles Sun 09-Nov-14 16:49:10

How old is she?

My dd was similar towards the end

FelixTitling Sun 09-Nov-14 16:52:27

I was like this and just didn't attend. I wish someone had taken me out of school and found me an alternative.

I have no idea what her other options might be, but this isn't working for her and I think you have to try another approach.

titchy Sun 09-Nov-14 16:53:33

What year is she? Are teachers REALLY shouting at her, finger in face in a meeting with you? That's shocking and you should be complaining very loudly at that.

What sort of LDs? What sort of grades is she capable of achieving? Most schools have an arrangement with a nearby college for vocational quals - is this possible? She can't just be excluded. There is a process which has to be followed, a managed move to somewhere more supportive of a dissolutioned non academic kid might be the best option.

What does she want to happen?

stayathomegardener Sun 09-Nov-14 17:06:27

Actually a sign of intelligence to reject something if no matter what she does she is always at the bottom.
I'm dyslexic and if I can't achieve something after a certain amount of effort I drop it,far better for my self esteem.
I always concentrate on what I am good at.
DD 15 is dyslexic too,we encourage her to try her hardest but avoid her major difficulties. After trying them so she gave up languages in year 8 and does far less GCSE'S overall than others including only one science.
We encourage her to excel in what she is good at out of school,she is ranked 18th in the UK for her sport and runs her own small creative business.
I am not a total disaster either despite dropping out of school with no support at 16. HTH

constantlyconfused Sun 09-Nov-14 17:10:26

She is below her peers by quite a large margin she is 2-5 years below average on the academic side but is quite creative . She has just given up its very hard to motivate her now she has slipped into this frame of mind she often thinks shes not capable of completing before looking at it.
She is 14. DD coped well in primary and enjoyed it secondary has been complete opposite . They do point and shout yes I have complained some of the meeting has been like two teenagers arguing not very professional (this isn't how all teachers treat her but three which happen to be core subjects which is where she struggles).
It is hard to find out from DD what she'd like to do as she is in such a negative frame of mind she just says she wants to leave education"I just want to be left alone" etc.
I can understand staffs frustrations as she can be challenging and is very reluctant to accept the help she needs as its "embarrassing" so she pretends she can do it then does nothing or the wrong thing gets told off gets defensive very vicious circle. I am really hoping she can access vocational coursed soon but they can make no promises.

stayathomegardener Sun 09-Nov-14 17:20:16

Can she move schools for a fresh start?
I assume she hasn't chosen her options yet. DD found it alot easier when she could drop several hated subjects.
Has she been assessed by an Ed Psyc, we used DD's report as a legal document to "get her out" of certain subjects,I think she felt we had her back and were supporting her against the schools strict stance and unwillingness to deviate from the norm.

stayathomegardener Sun 09-Nov-14 17:23:44

We took DD round sixth form and further education colleges very early at 14 so she could see what was available and set herself achievable goals.

lljkk Sun 09-Nov-14 17:28:50

What is she quite creative at? What are her creative outlets?

"I just want to be left alone" is a mantra belonging to all teens.

"She is below her peers by quite a large margin she is 2-5 years below average"

Is she really the only girl in the school like that? In most schools she wouldn't be wildly below everyone else, there would be others working close to her level to find camaraderie with. How stressful that even the schools with many low achievers have no places. sad

constantlyconfused Sun 09-Nov-14 17:42:44

I am slightly wary to move her right now as ed phyc due soon and CAHMS nearly at the final hurdles with them .I'm unsure if moving schools might set that back.She also has a lovely friendship group .
I am sure there are others with similar levels but DD can't see past the fact her friends are achieving much higher level although i've been told they are scapping that system DD just takes it to hear

lljkk Sun 09-Nov-14 17:44:55

It would help if her friends would say things to her that they admire about her. That peer group confirmation would be jolly helpful. Problem is that teens are so friggin' self-centred they tend not to nurture each other.

Almost all teens are stupidly insecure, though.

constantlyconfused Sun 09-Nov-14 17:49:24

Yes the raging hormones don't help already fragile self esteems. I think DD has taken class clown role as she is being laughed at for the right reasons according to her. I will take her round a few colleges for future planning she is just very disinterested in everything at the moment.
DD excels in music ,Art and sports but even these have a "can't be assed" attitude at the moment .
Thanks for the advice .

constantlyconfused Sun 09-Nov-14 17:52:05

Completly agree they are all so insecure think many of them like putting others down to make them feel better. DD told me her nickname in some of her classes is "spaz" i was livid but she had a very who cares coming from her shes a beep beep beep. I did mention to school but "girls will be girls" siggghhhhhhhh

lljkk Sun 09-Nov-14 20:16:50

are you sure they are a lovely group of friends? I have mis-appraised DD's seemingly nice friends before, myself. Do her friends also excel or work hard at music, art or sport?

constantlyconfused Mon 10-Nov-14 08:43:42

Hmmmm maybe not who knows teenage girls are a minefield .DD isn't in many classes with her friends they meet up in breaks.Most of DDs classes are small groups much to her annoyance!

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