Just read dd's posts disrespecting me...

[stillnotsorted]

Am feeling stunned and upset. She's 13 and is on Facebook on the understanding that I have open access to her account. I think she must have forgotten this or thought I wasn't keeping a check on it.

We had a disagreement over what subjects she will take at school re GCSE's. She's calling me 'fucking mental' to her friend, who agrees with her.

My gut reaction is to make her come off facebook and let her know it's completely unacceptable.
Desperate for some advice here from people who've got teenagers. What's the best way to handle this? I'm so upset.

[rootypig]

Ah still. That must be painful to hear but you must let it be water off a duck's back. Please understand it as an expression of her struggle for autonomy and frustration at a disagreement with you and I've heard far far worse. I don't think it would be right to punish her, because I think she's entitled to talk to her friends privately, and she is entitled to her opinion of you.

On a slightly separate note, how are you handling the disagreement over her GCSE choices?

[MrsCakesPrecognition]

Well presumably she says rude stuff about you to her friends face to face as well as online, so Facebook is a complete red herring.
Don't let the FB stuff distract you from sorting at the real issue - the arguments about big things like GCSEs and how you work together to resolve them.

[OldLadyKnowsBeelzebub]

I no longer have teenagers, but have had them, fairly recently. I think you need to talk to her about why you disagree with her GCSE choices; it might just be that she's right, but you won't know that till the two of you sit down and talk, calmly and rationally. Forget the "disrespecting" you stuff, that's her job, she's 13, and if she's not doing it to your face you're doing OK.

[stillnotsorted]

oh you're right, it's just that it's the first time I've come across it and I suppose I will need to toughen up. Suddenly seeing it in black-and-white was really upsetting.

As for the GCSE choices, we're not even there yet. We were trying to decide which teachers to see and she was saying 'there's no point seeing that teacher cause I'm going to drop this, and that, etc etc. I as trying to explain that it's not a good thing to limit choice at this stage and to keep options open (her sole reason was that 'the teacher is boring').

[rootypig]

Can you talk about the choice in more constructive terms? Begin by asking her to share with you why she would like to take the subjects that she does - and really listen to her answers. Assuming they are more enlivening than the teacher is a hottie

[stillnotsorted]

yes I'll try that approach. One of the problems I think is that she approaches all conversations in a confrontational manner. I need to try and learn not to react to this don't I? I think I need strategies so as not to escalate this because otherwise it's going to be a really rocky road. Trouble is, I'm not sure I know those strategies - not explicitly anyway

[rootypig]

are you familiar with the ideas of non violent communication?

[BOFster]

Yes, pick your battles. She is sounding off to her mates, and I bet she has forgotten you might see it. As MrsCakes has sensibly pointed out, she would in all likelihood say the same in person to her friends, and that's what teenagers do. All of us, really, if you think about it.

Do your best to see it as an insight into her feelings, and go from there.

I understand it's hurtful though. But if you take a breath, you will be able to put it in the context of venting about stuff, which we all do, and should have space to sometimes. She wasn't aiming unkindness at you: she was just expressing her frustrations to her friends. It's actually a good sign she is developing into an independent young woman, and you've done a good job in allowing her to do that. Stings though.

[stillnotsorted]

Thanks. You've made me get it a little more in perspective. I'm not going to tell her I've seen it - I can't see that leading to a constructive path forward at this point in time. I think I need to think about a range of interactional strategies that brings us closer rather than distance us. I DO arrange lots of things to do together that she enjoys - 1-on-1 time, cinema visits, treats out, adventurous things... which I guess is why it stung so much I suppose.

[MymumisaG]

My dd wrote 'fuck off mum' on Twitter after an argument once when she was 13. I don't follow her on Twitter but found out via one of her friends mums who stalks her dd and anyone who knows her on all social media(!) My dd was stunned and really embarrassed when she knew I'd seen it and very apologetic. I wasn't really angry with her for saying it as I'm sure most kids will say something similar whether face to face or otherwise. I was more annoyed how stupid she was for believing this was private and would only be seen by her friends - it was an unprotected Twitter account so visible to anyone who wanted to see like teachers, other parents, future employers etc. So it actually turned out to be a valuable lesson ??

[SanityClause]

There is a really good PDF pamphlet you can get online, produced by the Russell Group (but it applies to other universities, as well) called Informed Choices which helps by detailing the A level subjects needed for the various areas of study. You can combine that with the sixth form information from your school, to give her an idea of the subjects she would have to do to get from GCSEs to a wide range of degrees.

I would also say, DD1 is 15. I will often have a conversation with her where she disagrees vehemently with my opinion. I usually say, "I'm not telling you what to do, it's just a suggestion/observation." The next time we speak about it, she will often have taken my views on board. So give her time to mull it over.

And I agree with your last post. Keep doing things together and chatting about her interests, and joint interests. Work towards the day when she will be a friend, rather than a daughter, which will come little by little.

(My mother never understood that this had to happen, and we have a terrible adult relationship.)

[Nerf]

I disagree with most posters. Public ally skating someone is a relatively new concept - we had diaries and conversations. This is a permanent record. I would be insisting it was removed and pointing out the stupidity of putting something up there that will be read by loads of people. Ds put something bloody rude and untrue about me on Twitter and I made her take it down - and yes I know they can set up other accounts etx but the message is - don't put this shit out in public

[saintlyjimjams]

One of the problems I think is that she approaches all conversations in a confrontational manner. I need to try and learn not to react to this don't I

My soon to be 13 year old son is like this. I found it helped to realise that the teenage brain is actually very bad at understanding others. As it does its reworking it loses the ability to understand others intentions etc So now I take a few moments to explain to ds2 that I am not having a go. I am making a suggestion & having a conversation & am interested in what he has to say. Spelling out the bleeding obvious seems to stop the instant assumption that I'm on his back.

[lljkk]

Do you honestly never ever say anything disrespectful about your daughter especially not in public? I mean disrespectful by her standards, so even saying "Aw she looks so cute with her little boyfriend" would count as outrageous in her mind? (I can't manage to always be so nice)

I think reasonable to ask her to keep her moans private, & off of public sites. She still has every right to have a moan in other places.

On a good day you could make a joke out of her comment to defuse its venom (DH much better at this than me so am not inspired right now, sorry).

My gut feeling is that if she knows she has true autonomy in GCSE choices then she is more likely to be open-minded about them. Maybe I just got lucky with DS: a can-barely-be-asked type, but still wanted to chat to most of his teachers as long as he didn't totally hate the subject.

[BrowersBlues]

Still, my DD started that type of behaviour around that age. She is about to turn 18. You sound like me way back then. After years of rows (hell) I recommend you don't ever mention anything you read on her social media, ever. It's a cardinal sin to teenagers and it will only give her a chance to flex her muscles and have a legitimate reason to cause World War III.

As for the GCSE choices, that is the school's job. Her teachers will advise her and you will be invited to a meeting before she confirms her choices. You are responsible for rearing her, clothing, feeding, loving her and providing a home. School is responsible for her education. Obviously encourage and help her but if there is a problem ring her form teacher and work with the school.

Try as much as you can to ignore most of the drama, don't get involved. Detach as much a as possible and keep a sense of humour. Don't rant and rave, say things once and walk away. If she is abusive don't give her money, lifts, sleepovers, nothing. Make punishments as short as possible. I didn't do any of those things and the last few years have been pretty grim to put it mildly. If there are classes for parents of teenagers in your area go to the class.

Read books about rearing about teenagers. You are definitely not the only parent facing these issues. Children/young adults get away with so much more nowadays and it is very hard to deal with.

Don't beat yourself up. Teenagers with the most loving parents in the world can go down very destructive paths. It is a very tricky time for everyone involved.

[stillnotsorted]

Thanks for all your advice. It all sounds eminently sensible and I shall endeavour to rise above dd's confrontations and be the adult. Think I may well be popping back to this board quite often though in the near future

[titchy]

Well rather than you suggesting which teachers to see ask her which ones she wants to see. In reality they actually get very little subject choice and school are unlikely to let her make a pigs ear of choosing. Put the ball back in her court.

[zeeboo]

So OP, have you never moaned about your children's behaviour or your husbands to your mates? She's letting off steam to her friends and I'm sure you did similar about your parents as a teenager. I know we all did. There is a difference between over seeing your child's safety online and breaching their privacy. I think you have crossed the line and found out that eavesdroppers never hear any good about themselves.

[MrsCakesPrecognition]

, it might be worth a look.

[stillnotsorted]

Well zee, before she went on Facebook, the terms and conditions were this: as her mother and responsible parent, I would have access to all her posts. So, if she forgot this or didn't really, that's hardly a breach of privacy. I think I do want to ensure her connections and 'friends' are appropriate. She's 13, not 17. And, actually, knowing how she feels is informative as to how I handle our relationship for the better. Yes, as a parent of new teenI have things to learn but she is still a child and I have a duty of care.

[stillnotsorted]

Thanks MrsCakes. I shall try that advice

[theposterformallyknownas]

Still

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that I would let her know that I have seen it.
She needs some respect for you and although its fair that she needs an outlet to vent, it shouldn't be for everybody to see, of course unless she only has school friends and not family and family friends on fb.
I think you are right to monitor her internet use.
My niece is 13 and recently been groomed by a friends x boyfriend.
The Police confiscated all internet gadgets and asked my dsis why she wasn't monitored.
As for her GCSE choices, this is a different matter and I think with talk and time she will be a bit more reasonable in listening to you.
I know it is hard when every subject starts a battle, my 10 year old is like this atm.

[DurhamDurham]

I wouldn't mention FB but I would talk to her about her GCSE choices, you need to keep the lines of communication open. Teens are v good with regards to technology and if you bring up FB she may just block you and then you won't know what she posts. My two teen girls have FB and a Twitter, I read all sorts of stuff on there that I would rather not know but I never mention it as this way they forget I monitoring them. My girls are older than your dd and it gets worse before it gets better.
It's hard but try not to get upset about what you have read, think back to things you thought and said about your parents at that age.

[rootypig]

Was it a private conversation on Facebook (as I had understood it), or was it posted on her or another person's wall i.e. open for all to see?

If the latter, then it is very rude, and I think you should ask her to remove it and have a talk about respecting other people's feelings. But a private conversation is something different.

[Oakmaiden]

I would say "You do know I can see what you have posted on your FB wall, don't you?"

But I guess apart from that it is hopefully just venting. As long asshe is then apologetic, and not aggressive about her post...