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I think DD 13 may be smoking. How should I handle this?

(15 Posts)
BirdhouseInYourSoul Tue 28-Oct-14 16:37:17

I found tobacco and papers in her pocket (I was picking up washing, not snooping)

She is out just now so I'm trying to stay calm and figure out the best way to deal with this.

I have never smoked and she knows my feelings on it. I thought we were on the same page as she's always said she wouldn't ever do it etc.

The fact that she's left this stuff here whilst she's out may mean she's not really doing it properly maybe?

secretsquirrels Tue 28-Oct-14 17:25:35

Tobacco and papers says weed to me?
She is very young for this, most of the DC I know around here (very rural) who smoke do so from around 16 and those who start cigarettes young invariably progress onto weed.
How you handle it depends on how her behaviour is normally I think? Has she rebelled in other ways or is this totally out of character?

bigTillyMint Tue 28-Oct-14 22:06:02

I agree with secretsquirrels. Sadly there are definitely DC around here doing it from 12/13, from "nice" familiessad

You need to decide what your stance is and then have a conversation with her.

BirdhouseInYourSoul Tue 28-Oct-14 22:49:56

I really hope it's not weed sad

We've had people around so I've not been able to talk to her properly but I let her know I had found it and she cried and promised it wasn't hers.

She is generally very well behaved but the last two months or so have been tough with some self harming/confidence issues since starting the new school year.

We have a trip away just the two of us coming up so we will have the chance to really talk things through and spend some time really connecting again. I'm just so worried she'll go down the wrong path from here.

I don't want to go in hard over this but I don't want her to think it's acceptable either. She rarely has money to spend so I can't see her funding a smoking habit tbh.

WineWineWine Tue 28-Oct-14 23:12:15

I would show them to her and say, we need to talk about these later.
Give her time to take it in, then calmly ask her to explain and tell her that you know that this means weed, so you would appreciate her honesty.
Try to keep your reactions under control and listen more than you talk.
Give yourself time to work out what action you want to take, rather than going overboard.
Good luck.

bigTillyMint Wed 29-Oct-14 07:51:07

OP, I think the other issues you mention plus the crying are flagging up that you need to talk with her. She will probably deny it, knowing that you will not be happy about it, but she may well, in her heart of hearts, want you to come down hard on it and put some firm boundaries for her. It doesn't mean you have to go overboard or be angry, but you do have to make it very clear how you want her to behave and that you are there to support her.
Good Luck.

Lasttimebaby Wed 29-Oct-14 08:21:23

Quick post before I leave for work. I smoked as a young teenager. Not a lot but I was egged on by an older child. I did it for a short while. I ales drank at 15/16. I was however sensible enough and it didn't last long. I turned out well and am very responsible adult. She is probably just messing about but yeah have a good talk with her.

Lasttimebaby Wed 29-Oct-14 08:22:04

Also not ales !

PrettyPictures92 Wed 29-Oct-14 08:28:01

Just to point out, when I was in school at 14 we used to smoke roll up cigarettes. You could buy tobacco and papers for half the price of 20 fags, whoever bought them would sell a roll up for 50p. Tobacco and papers DOES NOT automatically mean weed.

I started smoking at 14 (mind you my mother would smoke in the house around us so I was used to passive smoking since a baby) and never progressed onto weed. Can't stand drugs, then or now. Don't automatically think the worst, you'll put her defenses up if she feels like you're trying to get her to admit to something she's not doing.

Also another point, before I started smoking I would "hide" my friends fags at home so their parents didn't find out. And never seriously started smoking until I was 16, it was one or two just at school until then.

PrettyPictures92 Wed 29-Oct-14 08:31:57

Also if she's crying/self harming since starting the new school year could she be getting bullied? If she's saying they're not hers along with the other issues then it may be possible she's being forced to hide them at home for someone else?

Don't go crazy on her. Listen when she talks and don't show her you're angry or she may put her defenses up and not open up to you

BirdhouseInYourSoul Wed 29-Oct-14 08:53:08

We had a bit of a chat early this morning.

They were given to her by a friends older brother at the park. She took them but said she would smoke them later because she didn't want to come home smelling of smoke.

She is saying she hasn't smoked them as she doesn't want to but she didn't want to look like a baby by saying no. That's a whole other issue really. I've explained that if she isn't strong enough to say no then we need to re-think the hanging out at the park thing as I need to be able to trust she will be sensible.

I've asked and asked about bullying but she is certain she's not having those issues.

secretsquirrels Wed 29-Oct-14 09:14:39

PrettyPictures92 Things have changed even in the last 5 -10 years, since smoking in public places became illegal. (Twas different when I was at school in the 70s everyone smoked and we didn't progress to weed.)
Now smoking is socially taboo even among teenagers it has become a gateway to drugs when it never used to be.
BirdhouseInYourSoul Sounds like you may be lucky here. If what she says is true then you can step in now and stop things going further. Hanging out at the park is never good. Does she have any other interests you can divert her to?

BirdhouseInYourSoul Wed 29-Oct-14 11:06:34

She does have other interests yes. I think we are going back to set clubs and proper planed trips with friends other then this 'hanging out' stuff.

Luckily the weather is getting worse so it won't be much of a problem. And she's having to put a bit more effort into her academic stuff now too which will occupy her in the evenings more at least.

Hopefully we'll talk it through over the weekend and get to the bottom of it all. She knows my feelings over smoking being a gateway to other stuff. My brother is an addict and although I've worked hard to keep that from her I have answered all drug related questions very honestly and she knows his issues.

Espii Fri 31-Oct-14 13:57:01

I've smoked since I was 13, and always smoked rollups as they're cheaper. I have had rizla and tobacco in my pockets for years, my mum obviously knew. But, it doesn't always mean she's on drugs! Don't assume! Now, I did, but socially as I got into the wrong crowd, wrong boyfriend etc. Just ask her! Sit her down. She's adult enough to smoke so she's adult enough to have a conversation about it. My mum has smoked since 14, and she's never ever touched drugs, she hates them. I smoked a bit of weed when I was younger but never went onto anything else. It's not a gateway all the time.

Heyho111 Sat 01-Nov-14 23:23:19

I think she handled it very well. She avoided a confrentation and didn't look different. But didn't do anything she didn't want too. Don't say she's not mature enough to hang out when I think she was incredibly sensible.
Great tip for when they start drinking at house parties. Take a bottle of cider. Once they've drunk it refill it with water. No body will hassle you to drink as they think you are as you have a bottle in your hand.
Yes we should all be strong and shout out what we believe. But that's not reality. Give them other stratagies to avoid doing something they don't want to.

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