think my ds just hates me, do i deserve it?(18 Posts)
You are a different person now, so you won't make the same mistakes again.
I don't know if your 14 year old hates you; it's possible he does, a lot of teenagers hate their parents some with reason, some with no reason at all.
But I suspect he doesn't, he's just a teenager, he's probably slightly embarrassed by you (as many teenagers are); in particular he may be embarrassed by you being pregnant. After all, what 14 year old wants to think about his mum having sex .
In a way, the fact that he can be dismissive means he is probably aware that you are a lot better now, he doesn't have to be so careful around you.
What does his dad say about him generally? Is he happy, doing well at school, going out with friends, enjoying life? Because if he is you are doing ok - let him get on with it and just keep contact up. He will eventually grow out of the teenage phase.
Congratulations on your pregnancy. Try not to worry, just take each day at a time.
Do you think he might be jealous of the baby, because you're going to be a 'good mum' to her?
I think you just have to keep doing what you're doing - keep demonstrating how much he matters to you and how much you love him.
You're the adult and - possibly through no fault of your own - your care for him has fallen short in the past. He may have been able to overlook it, and forgive you, when he was younger but as he's matured he's probably begun to remember incidents, question your decisions and compare you to other mothers he knows.
I think that this, combined with normal teenage arsyness, makes his attitude unsurprising tbh. You'll just have to keep trying to make it up to him and set aside your hurt feelings if you want anything to change.
He's probably feeling insecure because you're pregnant. Reassure him that you will still love him after baby is here.
I have a 14 year old DS and he can be very, very challenging - even though we live in a 'two parent family'. I think your DS will find it particularly hard if you are pregnant, rightly or wrongly he may be feeling 'rejected' in some way in that you have made a conscious decision to have another child yet your own child doesn't live with you. I know that is not rational from an adult point of view but it may be what he is thinking.
And yes, the fact that you are in a sexual relationship probably horrifies him.
As others have said, set aside your own feelings and just keep on keeping in touch and reassuring him.
Just keep on doing what you are doing. Even if he was with you 24/7 and you had been the perfect mummy (whatever that is!) he'd still probably be difficult, he's a teenage boy.
You sound like a lovely mum btw.
Do you know, I think you should take a bit of an emotional step back, and be a little more factual and pragmatic when dealing with him. Please don't make it emotional, or imply he should feel guilty, or try to tell him that things he does are hurtful or that you are upset.
Be a bit more upbeat, if he's rude ignore it, if he's nice, just be chatty back, not over the top grateful that he's been nice. I get on great with my ds2, but he can't stand it if I say things like "that's really upsetting" or "It annoys me when you" - he says it's guilt tripping, and that it's not his responsibility if I decide to be upset about something.
Don't punish yourself, he's probably forgotten all about it, and you won't gain anything by trying to make him see how upset you are.
Just take one day at a time, carry on sending him things; be proud of him, try not to make him feel that you are making it about you, iyswim?
Mel, my 15 year old son hates me too. He has moved in with his dad. I second what Scary says. Being emotional with him will only make things worse. I have been reading the book called 'Get out my life but first take me and Alex into town' and there is a section which deals specifically with teenage boys hating their mothers. I recommend the book by the way.
I don't have the book to hand but essentially is says teenage boys can almost recoil from their mothers due to a combination of their emerging sexuality and them needing to be left alone. In the book the author quotes things teenage boys say about their mothers e.g. I can't stand being near her, she annoys me so much I hate being around her.
The book also says that teenage boys can adopt a sad stance to make their mothers feel really bad so that they will get stuff from their mother. My son does this all the time. At least now I know why.
Since I read this I have changed my approach to my son. I am keeping any conversations short and to the point. If he adopts the sullen sad approach I completely ignore it and stay friendly. Its early days yet and I know I have a very long way to go but at least it is making my days a bit more manageable.
I'm not saying at all that you shouldn't feel emotional - I do, often. I'm saying try not to show it too much, or make him feel guilt-tripped, it won't help.
It must be very hard to have long one-on-one sessions with massive gaps in between. Most of my communication with my teenagers involves grunts and the odd 3 minute conversation (usually in the car), and then rare heart to hearts at night.
I think if you remain positive, he will come around and it will become easier. 14 is the very worst age.
I speak from experience as ds1 started to hate me at 13/14 and still does, six years later. I have to just carry on regardless and hope that some day he will realise that I (like you and every other parent) did my best. Sometimes my best isn't good enough, but it's still my best.
Two basic rules for
surviving parenting teenagers.
(1) ignore the attitude
(2) don't take it personally.
<talks sternly to self>
I have been reading your comments above and can totally relate to all I have a v arguementive fiesty dd of 18 who guns for me all the time at present regardless of what I have done or how I talk to her never goes for her dad in smae way. Advise from scary about not taking things personally v useful but not always easy to manage if not in good place yourself. Sou ds like u r doing amasingly well in circumstances melodrama your only son lives along way away u have spilt from his father now prrgnant on top of which u have been v un well don't underestimate how much stress u have been under be kind to yourself and keep on doing thr things u r doing.
I had a terrible birthday experience w my dd on her 18th I put in loads of effort and she spent the whole day being rude and just plain hortible it was really hard but I didn't react u til 12.00 midnight when I blow up at her after 8 hours of being bashed over the head. Not sure I will do anything tjis year might just go out for the day. Sometimes we can love our dd/ds bug not like thrm v much and sure they feel the same. I also have dd who ignores texts from me but like u just keep going sometimes though it doesn't do them any harm to know u r annoyed or feel unappreciated. Hope tnst helps
McS I had a dreadful time on my DDs 16th birthday a few years ago, she was being absolutely vile vile vile! Her 18th is coming up soon and I would have to say things have improved (ups and downs). I know it is probably not politically correct to say but I hope she moves out after she does her A Levels. That is, if she actually stays at school until June.
For her 18th I will have birthday cake and take her out for a meal, if she deigns to come with me. I will invite her brother aged 16. He might decline as I am not his favourite person at the moment. She is heading out with her friends for the evening. I had thought of having a big party for her but her behaviour at her 16th was so out of order I am not taking the risk of putting myself through that again.
If I was you I would do very little for her birthday this year. The message has to get home sometime.
You cannot change the past or pretend it didn't happen.
You have lost his unconditional trust, but hang on in there and you can still rebuild. Do not attempt to judge or rewrite history to make yourself feel better.
I am close to my mum as an adult, but as a young teenager she let me down spectacularly. I will never forgive or forget that, because it did blight my life for a very long time (until I met my DH).
You have to keep at it and I am sure he will come round, but you cannot rewrite the past and pretend you didn't let him down. My mum thinks all her years of being a good mum should cancel out the shit year or so. It does not work like that, sorry.
You have not lost his love, but he will not feel the same as he would have done if you had always been his rock. You have to deal with that yourself, as he has had to deal with it.
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