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Not working, not in college, expects us to buy him stuff

(15 Posts)
alwaysseemslikehalfterm Tue 14-Oct-14 16:46:08

Ds1 is 17. Dropped out of college, not working. Is apparently applying, but being very fussy!

Sacked from last part time job.

Spent all earnings on nothing and did not repay money we leant him for uniform. Plus we paid for first weeks travel.

Obviously we get no child benefit for him as not in education.

There is a huge back story to this but just need opinions please. He has today demanded a new coat. He doesn't have one as last years was lost, just like those from previous years. I have said he will have to wait until pay day. I physically do not have the money til then. He says he needs new clothes etc, which is true.

But what do i do? He refuses be in education yet doesn't have a job. How do we make him realise that he must pay his way. He seems to think that as we are his parents, we must provide, yet he does nothing.

His attitude is appalling but he just thinks i am unreasonable. It kills me to see my child without decent things, but need him to learn that he cannot live for free forever.

I did offer him new coat and jeans a couple of months ago but he declined. I have today been told that i should have used my common sense and got the coat anyway as he wouldmfed one when it got cold. That money has obviously been spent and he would have to wait til next week.

Opinions on how to handle this please?

Apologies for typing, on phone!

nequidnimis Tue 14-Oct-14 17:38:03

I would be making it absolutely clear that I wasn't buying anything, or handing over any cash whatsoever, until he was enrolled on a college course, and even then it would be dependent on him doing chores.

If he is desperate for clothes he knows what to do - get a job and/or enrol on a course.

If you don't make a stand now you'll still be forking out when he's 25.

youbethemummylion Tue 14-Oct-14 17:46:12

Buy him a coat from a charity shop. If he wants something better he better get a job. Repeat as necessary. If he wants feeding give him a bag of basics I.e potatoes, pasta, veg, mince. He makes something with that or gets a job. Sounds harsh but I know someone who did this as couldn't bring herself to let her child go cold or hungry. It worked. At 17 he is lucky to have a roof over his head that he doesn't have to pay for let alone expecting you to fork out for everything else as well.

Primrose123 Tue 14-Oct-14 17:51:41

I agree with Mummylion. I was going to say that for now you will only buy him clothes from the charity shop, and when he is in college or working, you will then consider going to shops.

I would be extremely cross that he said you should have had more common sense - I know at 17 they think they know everything, I have one myself! But I would not accept that attitude and I would tell him so. Perhaps you could show him one of those signs that says, 'Teenagers - fed up of your parents? Leave home and support yourself now, while you know everything!'

alwaysseemslikehalfterm Tue 14-Oct-14 18:01:30

Thank you!!!

This is exactly the line we have been following (the coat offer originally came when he was working (briefly) and had enrolled on a college course)

He moaned that his brothers have new coats - I pointed out that this year they have come from ebay, plus they are aged under 10. He said did I realise how pikey (not a work I condone using) this is and only people with no self respect would do this. How I have not ripped his head off I don't know.

The latest is he has social anxiety so had to drop out of college and is why he got sacked from the last job. I am very doubtful, due to his very active social life and the fact he managed to go to festivals in the summer. I booked him a gp appointment, who offered counselling. Apparently counselling doesn't help anxiety.

It is also my fault he doesn't have a decent phone, or nice stuff. I have also been sworn at (although apparently not sworn at, as he just swore in a conversation and don't I know that means he isn't swearing at me)

We also should not have put a new kitchen in 5 years ago if we can't afford stuff like coats, and we should never socialise.

I am ranting mow, so shall stop. Just glad I am not being an awful neglectful parent.

TheBatteriesHaveRunOut Tue 14-Oct-14 18:22:20

It's not you, it's his second toddlerhood. He's being a bellend, isn't he?

So yes, feed him boring food and no treats, he can earn a coat by doing chores, don't do his washing etc if you are (in fact, if he's at home all day you can employ him as your cleaner) and don't give him the wifi password. Maybe let him on the family computer for an hour a day to job search.

Also print this out and pin it on the wall in front of his bedroom door.

alwaysseemslikehalfterm Tue 14-Oct-14 18:29:23

Already doing the wifi / computer thing.

Stopped doing his washing last week after some remark that I can't even remember.

One of the problems is that I am a SAHM currently. I am studying for a new career and he has known me to work - bloody hard in fact when I was a single parent and for a few years since that time. DH also work very long hours. But the whole household living on one good wage means things are still tight.

So his usual come back is ' well you don't work'. Which I end up trying to justify, even though I don't need to - we don't claim benefits etc and it's a decision taken between myself and DH. Plus I know, if I did work, he would probably call me neglectful or something.

He has previously stolen money, so much so that we do not leave any money unattended. He really is behaving like a spoilt toddler.

Chottie Tue 14-Oct-14 18:36:44

He doesn't sound very happy or content with anything at the moment. Can you sit down with him and help him map out a life plan. He is only 17 and really needs some guidance. What does he really enjoy doing? can he getting volunteering experience which could lead to him getting a qualification and a job?

Is your DH his dad? could he have a man-to-man chat with him?

LeBearPolar Tue 14-Oct-14 18:46:35

If he says "Well, you don't work" respond "Well, neither do you".

wingcommandergallic Tue 14-Oct-14 19:15:53

You're in education and looking after a family. He's doing stuff all!

ChillySundays Tue 14-Oct-14 22:45:37

Have to agree with other posters. If he want things he will need to get a job or be thankful for what you buy him

ThinkIveBeenHacked Tue 14-Oct-14 22:49:59

Urgh Id have been so tempted to open the front door and say "If living here is so shit then there is the door". Not sure if it is the right thing tto do but id be at the end of my tether by now.

AlpacaMyBags Tue 14-Oct-14 22:52:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Madlizzy Thu 16-Oct-14 19:15:04

He'd be getting absolutely feck all from me until he was back at college or working, and I mean absolutely nothing bar basic main meals.

ninawish Fri 17-Oct-14 14:19:33

give him nothing incl no washing done, no internet and certainly no new coat and only basic food

he's very disrespectful - tough love is the ONLY thing that will work

we had a similar situation and tried everything known - paying him to help in house, I paid him to do exams (can't believe we did that now as his results showed he did no study) coercing him to do things, having meetings, treating him like adult - all failed

finally we pulled the plug and pay for NOTHING and provide nothing but roof and basics and it's been the best thing we've ever done so hard to do it but seriously good parenting lesson

you wouldn't let a two year old get away with how he is treating you

good luck grin

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