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Teen daughter....does she need to see a councillor?

(13 Posts)
GEMEA Fri 10-Oct-14 14:32:57

My 15yr old daughter has for a few years now caused me some concern. I have an older daughter too so know what's normal 'moody' teenage behaviour. She rarely smiles, doesn't show any emotion when she sees something that would upset 'normal' people, she seems angry all the time, not violent but she does purposely hurt her younger sibling.
This behaviour towards my 10yr old happens constantly, I've told her she's bullying her little Sister, but she doesn't care, says she 'hates her' and 'she's lucky I don't have a gun/knife'.
She often talks about stabbing or shooting people, and wonders what it'd be like to do so......this talk is worrying but I really deep down don't think its anything but talk.
She complains of aches and pains all the time. Is this attention seeking?
I try and talk to her but she's very argumentative and I get nowhere. Often I just go up to her and cuddle her (kisses are usually shyed away from) she asks 'what's that for?'. I tell her I love her everyday and talk about school with her. She doesn't have any real friends, but she tells me that's ok cos she can hang out with different groups.
Her relationship with her Dad is non-existent as he's fed up with her attitude.
I'm not sure where to turn too next. I've advised my daughter to contact the school councillor, she said she will but that was months ago.
Any advice would help. Thank you

pippop1 Fri 10-Oct-14 14:36:15

I'd be tempted to try to get her to see a GP first. The aches and pains may indicate something?

Do you think you could get her to let you go with?

You might be able to get the GP to ask her to come in (rather than you) and write him/her a letter beforehand so that he asks the right questions.

Could she be being bullied at school for example?

I think you are right to be worried.

Delphine31 Fri 10-Oct-14 14:56:20

I'd second a trip to the GP. They will have a lot of experience of teenagers and will know whether this is something that needs looking into.

It sounds to me as though you're handling the situation very well with the constant positive reinforcement so that she feels secure.

I'm posting really as having been the hated younger sibling in a similar situation. My older sister and I are still recovering our relationship and we're now in our thirties.

I believed all the ridiculous things my sister said about me from around the age of 9 to 16. This led to me thinking that I was ugly, a pita to be around, terrible at singing, bad table manners, never going to have lots of friends. I honestly believed it all.

It took until my mid-twenties to start realising that I'm not ugly, I'm good company and that I have friends who do really like me. But I'm still self conscious about singing along to the radio in front of other people and I think I'll never be 100% confident eating in front of other people.

The strange thing is, that my sister doesn't recall being like this (though the rest of my family remember all too clearly so I know it isn't me remembering wrong). I think she found her teenage years very traumatic (for a reason we'll probably never know) and has just wiped the memory altogether.

I suppose I'm posting this just as a reminder to really look out for your younger child in this as well. It might appear to be water off a duck's back, but negative messages may be sinking in.

YeGodsAndLittleFishes Fri 10-Oct-14 15:06:38

Yes, I think you should see a counsellor with her.

Start with GP and have things like vitamins and mineral levels (iron, vitamin D etc) and thyroid function checked, to see if there is something like this causing depression. The aches and pains are real, not made up, she's probably embarassed about telling you, needs to get it checked out with a doctor.

Has she ever given any indication that she turns her feelings inwards, such as self harm or suicide? She will need to be open about this with a doctor and with counsellors and if it upsets you too much, she might clam up.

I'm not qualified or a medical professional, have a DD with MH problems and all the kinds of behaviour you talk of was my biggest concern, but DD hid everything and lied about how she felt. (Long story).

She's still not well, but is on anti-depressants which means she is able to feel more positive about family most of the time . Our relationships with her are much improved, her school grades picked up and she now has a social life and is aiming to learn how to manage her illness and life's checks and balances ready for Uni/leaving home/work. She still has 'flat' moods and some background suicidal thoughts or images, and other symptoms. Counselling isn't a cure, it's a resource to develop better ways to manage life's difficulties. Anti-depressants help her (she hasn't been violent since being on ADs) but she can't feel/see it herself.

The other thing I would stress is, build some weekly 1-2-1 time with each of your other family members, as a mental illness in the family can become all encompassing for some parents (especially when your DH isn't able to deal with it).

Heyho111 Fri 10-Oct-14 15:58:07

This must be very difficult for you. How about talking to your gp about your concerns without her being there as you may not feel able to say this I front of her. He may suggest child psychology as they have a higher understanding of this. Big hug.

GEMEA Sun 12-Oct-14 22:05:20

I spoke to my daughter today about making a Doc's appointment to discuss her aches & pains, but also to tell them how she generally feels about her life. I said I don't have to be there so she can tell them what she needs too.
She said she doesn't want to go yet.
I explained that it may be a hormone imbalance & the sooner it's sorted the better she'll feel.
How long do I wait till I really push for her to see the GP?

Heyho111 Mon 13-Oct-14 07:13:55

My concern is that you say she hurts her younger sibling and that she does not see why she needs to stop doing that. It doesn't matter if she is doing this physically or emotionally this will have long term effect on him/ her.
I am also concerned that you mentioned that she talks a lot about quite violent acts.
I feel that you need to talk to the gp on your own in confidence to make sure everything is explained. You then need to insist she goes to see them.
Depression and other mental health conditions can feel physical. So her aches and pains could be real to her or be caused by something else.
I'm sorry if this sounds hard but she really needs help. Anti depressants can make a huge difference and mixed with the right support can make her back to her again.

YeGodsAndLittleFishes Mon 13-Oct-14 08:35:09

I agree with Heyho, but ask for a call back from her doctor to discuss over phone whether to go in without her, or to book an appointment and go in with her, and then what to say to her. I think it would be better to discuss this with the doctor. Tbh, my experience was that a GP wouldn't discuss a teenager without them being present, and wanted me to 'fully prepare' my child for the appointment. Basically, to discuss what the appointmwnt was for. It sounds like it us worth booking a double appiintment because you have 2 things happening; the aches and pains, and the aggressive behaviour. They may be connected, they may not, but they both need addressing and these conversations can take longer than can be fitted into one appointment slot.

pippop1 Wed 15-Oct-14 18:21:15

Wait a few days and then phone the surgery and try and get the Dr to call her in for a routine appointment for something. Call it a pre-16 health check of whatever the receptionist suggests.

GEMEA Wed 15-Oct-14 19:34:57

Thank you everyone. I'm going to email the Dr in the next few days & see what he says or suggests how to proceed.
I will update you once things are in motion x

mumsie3 Mon 09-Feb-15 11:52:25

Update on my daughters situation.
Doctor gave us some advice on how to 'handle' my daughters episodes. She's had blood tests for hormone levels etc. and she and I have kept a diary of when these outbursts/behaviours occur.
She is better, phew!, still speaks of things which concern me at times, but I point out what she's said and why I find it unacceptable, which seems to work.
So onwards and upwards, and taking it a day at a time.

GEMEA Mon 09-Feb-15 11:59:06

Update on my daughters situation.
Doctor gave us some advice on how to 'handle' my daughters episodes. She's had blood tests for hormone levels etc. and she and I have kept a diary of when these outbursts/behaviours occur.
She is better, phew!, still speaks of things which concern me at times, but I point out what she's said and why I find it unacceptable, which seems to work.
So onwards and upwards, and taking it a day at a time.
(sorry about other username, was thinking of changing it!)

amanda1965 Mon 09-Feb-15 13:33:36

Hi there.

My daughter is nearly 15 and I have had a lot of issues with her. Very angry, lashing out at me physically/verbally, also self harmed. I took her to the GP and then she had councelling, which I think has helped and she still has anger issues, but not as bad. She will also talk to me about things. I would also like some other advice, as she seems to be showing interest in smoking! I am dead against it having lost my parents through cancer/thrombosis, my mum was only 39! Anyway, she keeps on about these Shisha pens, as she's told me she doesn't really want to smoke, but wants to try one of those?! I've been very calm/diplomatic about the whole smoking thing, even thought deep down I'm so worried about her taking this up, but know I can't really stop her.

Any advice?


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