DS 14 sobbing himself to sleep.

[Travelledtheworld]

We are on a family holiday in a lovely place. But DH has spent all week shouting at and picking on DS who alternates between playing the fool and being a sensible and serious young man. DH really let fly at him tonight. DS left the room and I found him sobbing in bed. He said his father has turned into a nasty person and he hates him.

DH works abroad a lot and doesn't see much of the children. He doesn't understand that you can't make teenagers do things just by shouting at them. He seems to want to be in control of everything. He lost his temper twice with DS twice today, once for no particular reason. I saw the anger in his eyes. He is alienating his children. How do I get him to listen to them and build an adult to adult relationship with them ?

[Trollsworth]

You don't. You protect them from him. Your poor ds, my heart wrenched reading that.

Yr husband is nasty and if he's not careful your son will run away from home.

[MildDrPepperAddiction]

No real advice, but your poor DS. That's heartbreaking. Does your DH recognize he is too hard on him even after the fact? Could you suggest counseling to help your DH see what he's doing or a parenting course?

[Spinaroo]

A sobbing child should make anyone crumble. Is your dh aware of how your son us feeling right now because he needs to hear it- and then fix it.

[LadySybilLikesCake]

Your DH is damaging your child, I'm sorry. He needs parenting classes or leaving because he's bullying your child

[HolgerDanske]

Horrible.

But sadly, you can't make him see sense if he doesn't want to.

Ask him if he seriously wants his son to despise him.

[Iamblossom]

I think that even if he becomes defensive and appears to ignore what you are saying, you need to tell him that he can't treat ds that way, that he needs to try different ways to communicate with him and if he doesn't he will irreparably damage the relationship.

Some of it will stick and sink in and he will think about it after your conversation even if he doesn't appear to. You will just have to keep repeating the message.

Your poor son.

[gamerchick]

What do you do or say when you see your son being picked on?

[Acolyte]

My dh upsets my dd's and I intervene.

It drives him nuts as he says I undermine him but I will not stand by and watch him upset them.

Your poor ds

[heyday]

It won't be easy. I guess that as he works abroad a lot then he may not have a particularly close relationship with his son.
You could try talking to him in a non confrontational way and tell him how badly he has upset his son. A lot will depend on how DH was disciplined as a child.
Try and find an activity that the two of them can do together such as a fishing trip, bike ride or something else suitable that would enable them to have some quality father-son time together to see if they can bond and build on their fragile relationship.

[JoyceDivision]

I would seriously consider asking your dh to move out for a short period to time out and think about the damage he is causing, if no, I would weight up if you and your dcs can move out instead.

Your poor ds. You need to seperate your dh fron him until he sees how his behaviour is wrong and must improve, if he can't and/ or won't... you needto consider protecting your poor ds xxx

[Hazelnut55]

I went through a similar situation when ds was 12. DH just didn't know to transition from being the father of a young child, to the father of a teenager who could have his own opinions and views. It did reach a crisis point and it brought our marriage to its knees.

You need to have a heart to heart with your dp. Explain to him how sensitive all teens are and how vulnerable your ds is. Ds is at an age when he could leave home and who knows how that could end.

Be blunt with dp. If he doesn't change and make an effort, he will lose you and his ds.

[Iamblossom]

My dh was very hard on our sons and also thought all he had to do was shout and they would do as he wanted. He has realised that all that does is alienate them and they withdraw and come to me for everything they need. He is better with them now, does football with ds1 and took ds2 fishing recently, wanting to make sure he is building relationships with them both and spending time with them. We still do things differently but he is "getting it" more these days....

[Travelledtheworld]

Thanks folks. I was weeping quietly too. I felt his pain right to the core. My poor DS is right in the middle of those awkward teenage years and he badly needs a Dad who can be a positive role model. He is always very loyal to me, though he can be a bit lippy and sarcastic.

DH doesn't have a good relationship with his father.....FiL is controlling too.

Absolutely no chance of getting him to go to parenting classes, he is rarely home during the week.

[itiswhatitiswhatitis]

Everyone is right it's your job to protect your ds from this. My mum never ever stood up for against my dad's ranting and shouting. Now I'm an adult and choose to spend a minimal amount of time around my dad and consequently my mum. You will alienate yourself from your son if you don't step in and let this continue.

[Woodenheart]

Can you drive your son drive home tonight, just the two of you.

Leave 'D'H to shout at himself for the rest of the holiday?

[JoyceDivision]

good idea woodenheart

[Fairylea]

Wooden has it right. You need to show your son he comes first.

Your dh is an abusive twat.

[Travelledtheworld]

Gamerchick when the shouting starts I usually try to intervene and find out what is going on, and to get one of them out of the room. I have tried to explain to DH he cannot behave like this. He always tries to justify his behaviour.

I do try get them to do things together but it's too often on DH' s terms and I can see it really isn't any fun.....

[ElephantsNeverForgive]

When DD2 and DH fall out (which they haven't for a good while) it's generally 6 of one and a half-dozen of the other.

Firm calm words with both is generally required, plus judicious application of big sister to distract them.

DH needs reminding that DD2 is not as self confident as DD1 and sometimes her own worst enemy.

DD2 needs reminding not to be too cheeky/stubborn/selfish or down right uncooperative.
Then you force them to spend time alone together and they sort it out.

[Selks]

This is awful. Your DS sounds heartbroken .

You have to do something, you can't let this carry on. The ball is in your court I am afraid. What are you going to do?

[PicandMinx]

As others have said, pack your bags and go home. Leave the abuser to stew.

Does your DH shout at you when you step out of line?

[Travelledtheworld]

Woodenheart no we are in Europe and cannot drive home.

DH has stomped off to bed. DD has cheered up her brother with some kind words. I will talk to DH calmly tomorrow but it isn't going to be easy to rebuild that relationship. He will be away again next week.......

[daftbesom]

I ask my DH to remember that he and my son are on the same side and point out that shouting isn't working. That usually does the trick - for a while anyway!

I know it annoys DH if he feels DS isn't showing him appropriate respect, that's where most of the friction comes from.

it's hard, OP, that I know. I end up trying to act as mediator between them sometimes I feel like Kofi flamin' Annan

These are for you

[Travelledtheworld]

Picandmix yes sometimes he does shout at me for no particular reason but I have learned to stand my ground or ignore him. I think there is something very deep going on there. TBH we are quite happy he is away from home such a lot......