Sexual message on DS (13) phone

[pasanda]

DS went to a sleepover with 2 others on Friday and I know they were up until 6am larking about on phones etc.

Sometimes I take a look at his phone (although most of the time he deletes texts/KIK stuff because he knows I do this) and yesterday I found the following message. I think, but am not 100% sure that he wrote it on behalf of one of his mates who was asleep at the time.

I have to confess my love for you. I have fancied you since I saw you in Maths sitting with your legs open and I could see the outline of your vagina lips, they looked wet, so I presumed you were wet over me, the evening of that day I went home locked my bedroom door and wanked over you.

I'm telling you this because I was hoping to ask you out but u fancied Ben so I didn't.

I took a photo of you in RE so I could take it home and wank over you each Wednesday (wank day) I hope you finger yourself over me.

Plz reply

My first thought was boys together will do this kind of crass stuff but having had the night to think it over, I feel slightly sick that the parents of this girl may read it and also to wonder why it's so graphic. He was only 13 in May.

He doesn't know I have read this. He says I spy on him and gets pissed of that I read his phone - hence the deleting.

WWYD

[Beenspotted]

I would confiscate the phone, and access to other electronic means of communication. I wouldn't care what context it was written in. The girl would be entirely reasonable to find it threatening and if she and her parents don't involve the police it's more luck than judgement on his part.

[GretchenWiener]

Reported

[FuckyNell]

I don't believe this

[Zimtschnecke]

reported

[seagull70]

I'm sure that these types of sexual thoughts are quite normal for boys at this age (although perhaps still a little young?)

What's concerning is that he feels it's appropriate to articulate them in such a bold way.

I do think you need to have a chat with him, if one of my daughters had received a message like that at that age I would have been very concerned.

Is he accessing porn somewhere? It all sounds too 'over sexualised' to me.

Worse case scenario is that this girls parents could report to police for harassment - chat really needed I think

[seagull70]

I thought passanda was a regular? Oh well, could be wrong

[GretchenWiener]

Maybe. Post completely unnecessary though in it's detail

[Standinginline]

If he knows you look through his phone he probably put it there on purpose !! It's one of those messages you would definitely delete ,and it's not the kind of thing a boy that age would write ,it seems too jokey if you know what I mean.

Or his friends got hold of his ohone and wrote it to this girl for a wind up at the sleepover. It's what kids do ,I remember having to have constant lock on my phone because I knew my friends would get hold of it otherwise !!

[pasanda]

This is definitely not a wind up……unfortunately

I'm sorry if this is unnecessary Gretchen but I felt I had to write the text in full so you could see what I am dealing with.

I don't think he put it there on purpose, it was within a long KIK message conversation.

Feel even worse now...

[CakeUpWall]

Good post by seagull, and yes, pasanda has been here for a while.

A chat is definitely needed. I remember talking to DS2 at about the same age when he started showing a real interest in girls. I hammered home the respect element of relationships. And still do, 3 years on.

Your DS is still young and they all do silly things due to a lack of maturity. Mine still does things which make me furious, and I just keep on trying to get the message across about what is/is not acceptable behaviour.

Worth giving a stern warning about any messages or posts on fb etc existing for ever. I.e. they can come back and bite him on the arse at any time. What will he think of his creations in 10 years, when he is trying to be taken seriously as a professional, or whatever?

I think an apology to the girl is in order. She must have been very upset to receive such a message.

Good luck. Parenting teens isn't easy.

[GretchenWiener]

I'm just edgy about this topic (even more by the bizarrely titled pre teen topic) and hairy hand lurkers

[pasanda]

Thank you Cake.

I have looked at his browser on his phone and there has been no access to porn but the boy who's sleepover it was has an older brother and I have seen some of his messages which talk about porn. This boy is still only 12

DS has a girlfriend who he has been with since end of March and since he turned 13 has just had this massive explosion of hormones. Image, friends, self harm, girls, attitude are all hugely important to him now, whereas they weren't' when he was 12.

He is very immature in his actions.

[Namechangearoonie123]

Then you need to talk to him about sex, harassment , explicit messages, consequences etc

He may not be old enough to have a phone if he's not mature - he could get into trouble with the content and intent of that message

[ElephantsNeverForgive]

The amount of detail in this strongly suggests it's a wind-up, no boy would send that to a girl he fancies. It's written to embarrass a mate.

It's far too graphic to be a sensible 'joke', but how you tackle that I don't know.

I haven't looked at DD2(13) phone in ages, she'd go ballistic and I've never checked DD1(16) in all the years she's had one. (She doesn't have a BF and I've known her BFFs since they were born)

[pasanda]

Yes Elephants.

I don't think this message was a serious one. I don't think it was supposed to be sent to the girl in a serious way. That's why I think they wrote it on his 'behalf' and sent it to her as a wind up.

Another message I saw was to this girl (from my DS) which just said 'Have you blocked Robbie'.

So I presume it was sent from Robbie to her as a stupid joke.

God I am so angry and actually feel sick

[ChillySundays]

The problem is that the kids may be doing it as a joke but if the girl takes offence or her parents see it. Just because they are under 18 does not mean they they can do this. Having photos on your phone showing under age girls topless, naked etc is illegal and it doesn't matter that the boy is a minor as well. Forwarding such pictures is worse - a minor can end up on the sex offenders register.
I would leave it a few days and talk to your son. No need to say you have looked at his phone. Say you were listening to a discussion on the radio or someone at work was talking. Have on the look on the internet to get more information to show him.
I have a son and I have had a few conversations with him so he understands.

[ElephantsNeverForgive]

Yes, I think a general conversation is all you can do, and pray it sinks in.

He needs to understand that girls, generally don't joke in as explicit language as boys.

Something boys think of as funny a girl might find unsettling and threatening.

Her parents are certainly likely to.

[adeucalione]

I don't think you should admit to reading his messages, so agree that a general chat is what's needed. You could say that a friend has a DD who's received an explicit message, or that you read something similar on Mumsnet, and want to make sure he'd never do anything so daft or offensive.

I have four teen DCs and teach at a secondary school, and over the years have reached the conclusion that that is exactly how most teen boys talk amongst themselves when adults are out of earshot.

I would say that one of his friends got hold of his phone and sent a stupid text to embarrass your DS; he needs to start using a passcode.

DS once received a similarly explicit text from a gay friend - quite obviously a 'joke' sent by someone else. It only happened once and I didn't see it as harassment so I'd be surprised if the girl (or her parents if they find out) took it further.

[Enb76]

I was sent a similar thing by a 13 year(ish) old (by letter, god I'm old), I would have been around 16 - I assumed it was a dare and thought no more of it. I assume the boy turned into a relatively decent human being, most of them do. I don't know how I would have felt if I were also 13, probably massively offended and I would have shown it to everyone else which would be embarrassing for the boy.

I think if you're going to have the conversation then you need to talk about why it was inappropriate and probably more about peer pressure.

[Beenspotted]

I disagree about letting him know you saw the message, actually. There is no such thing as privacy in the internet/messaging and kids need to get to grips with that, (also a teacher.) You can be sensitive to the fact he will be embarrassed, struggle to grasp that it's his responsibility if a friend did it, but he needs to grasp the consequences and how serious this is. I assume you pay for his phone/the WiFi at home? Then you get a say in how it's used.

[adeucalione]

The only reason I feel you shouldn't admit to seeing the message is because it may damage any trust between you. I think it's also likely he will start covering his tracks much better, setting new passwords and using different social media that you know nothing about. This way, you can continue keeping a sneaky eye on him

[pasanda]

Adeufalione. Thank you soooo much. That is just what I needed to hear and in fact was my first inclination. My best friend was with me at the time and it was her horror that made me think about it more - which is probably a good thing really. To gain other perspectives - which is also why I posted on mumnet too. My best friend also does not have a dc this age yet, which I feel is relevant because until you have a child at secondary you don't really appreciate the massive leap they take in terms of sex/peer pressure/kudos/mobiles etc etc.

I had a chat with his dad today (we are separated but have a v good relationship, as do him and ds) who said that I really shouldn't read his phone anymore, I will 'tie myself up in knots'. He asked how I would feel if my parents had been privy to my conversations with my friends when I was a teen. And he, as a male, seemed to think that these thoughts were normal in this age and there is, at the end of the day, nothing we can do to stop those thoughts/conversations between a group of lads when they get together. We did agree though, that he will have a general chat with him about respect for girls, the difference between girls and boys and how they view such stuff and the fact that everything written down is there forever.

And also, adeufalione - trust is a massive issue for me too. I really feel the need for him to trust me and not judge him too harshly at the very beginning of his adolescence as if I don't, but the time he is 16, there will be nothing left…...

[ElephantsNeverForgive]

All I know is my 13yo DD would explode if she thought I'd read her messages.

My 16yo would mutter, but be far more reasonable and accept she was out of order and foolish if she sent anything that tasteless.

However, DD1 is also quietly very sharp and pretty devious, I can't concieve she wouldn't delete anything suspect PDQ.

[pasanda]

Which is his dad's view point…. his phone is private and do I really want to see inside the murky world of a 13 year old boy!

We can chat/punish all we like but their thoughts and interactions with mates will probably remain the same.

What I really, really want to get through to him though is the fact that once it's written down, it can never go away, particularly if forwarded on to friends

[ChillySundays]

I am not sure I agree with your ex. I would certainly carry on reading the messages if your son leaves it lying around. He is looking at it from a male point of view and from what it was like when he was younger. It's not long ago that a female could do nothing about getting messages (admittedly years ago it would have been verbal). These things are taken much more seriously nowadays. It's one things joking around among yourselves but to send a text.
Hope the chat goes well. My DS is 16 and I still mention it every so often to remind him. I have used the line 'if it is something you would not want your parents or teachers to see then it is probably not appropriate'.