18 year old daughter

[Kickedintheteeth]

I'm posting for a bit of reassurance I suppose on a situation we have with our 18 year old. I'm sorry this is long....

We have always provided well for her and encouraged her. She's had everything any child could wish for. We spend lots of time together as a family although her dad does work a lot of hours. I work full time as well. Family time was very important to us. Encouragement came by the bucketload especially with studies at school and her hobby of horse riding. She has her own horse paid for by us. She's wanted for nothing, she has wardrobes full of clothes, laptops, iPads, the latest phone, driving lessons until she passed her test then we bought her a car, (taxed and insured which we paid for). We also paid for holidays abroad with her friends.

Things started changing when she met a lad. We were happy she'd met someone until she started failing college. Her language became awful, swearing at us (especially me), being really disrespectful, her room was disgusting and I eventually stopped cleaning it. She was staying out to all hours and not telling us if she was coming home. It now transpires she was kicked out of college in March for non attendance. We were completely unaware she hadn't been attending as she'd been leaving the house to go in the morning. She has two part time jobs as when we realised she had been grown out of college we said she had to work but we would help her with the upkeep of her car, We didn't charge any dig money so her wages were her own.

After a particularly bad swearing/shouting session (calling me for everything because we don't allow the boyfriend to stay over) I asked her to leave the house which she's done. We have been in touch via text until she asked me for money for her phone bill. I refused as I feel we've given her so much already that she should now stand on her own two feet. She is now ignoring texts/calls and emails.

Am I being selfish in thinking to leave her to contact us now and it should be with a rather large apology? Has anyone else been through this? I just feel she's a very very lucky young woman to have all that we've given her and that her behaviour is awful. I'm very hurt and disgusted at her. Please no awful comments about the amount we have given her I feel bad enough as it is.

[MildDrPepperAddiction]

I have no experience of teenagers yet however it sounds like you have done your best for your daughter. I agree with you that her behaviour is not acceptable and she needs to stand on her own two feet. She cannot treat you like that and still expect for you to pay for her lifestyle.
Good luck.

[Namechangearoonie123]

Fairly obviously you have given her too much and she has royally taken the piss out of you by leaving college and not telling you.

I'm guessing she knew you would support her at college but not to do nothing.

She's an adult now. She has 2 jobs. I would disconnect entirely and not allow yourself to be a used in your own home and tell her she's to pay for everything herself.

And that if she wants to come back she will only be allowed if she is not rude and pays a reasonable rent.

She's had too much, for too long - that part is your fault. There are no consequences to her actions unless you put them there.

[jellybeans]

You are doing the right thing. You have nothing to blame yourself for. Let her fend for herself and make sure she sees you mean it. Don't let her back unless she agrees with your rules. You shouldn't be abused by anyone in your own home, own child or not. Some kids go through this horrible stage and most do come out of it.

[Kickedintheteeth]

Thanks so much everyone. I know we've given her too much materialistic things. Even although I stuck to house rules her swearing/shouting was awful when I reminded her of them. Apparently our house rules were "too firm" (this is what she says). How doing a bit of housework and telling us if she'd be in for dinner is "too firm" I'd beyond me.

[unrealhousewife]

I don't think you are being fair to give her everything she wants for all these years and suddenly drop it.

You want to throw her in the deep end like this you have to be prepared to watch her drown. You should teach her to swim first.

My fear for you is that if she is in a relationship with someone who isn't good for her you are making her depend on him.

You should teach her how to fend for herself first.

[Timetoask]

unrealhoursewife the problem is that OP has left it too late to teach her how to swim, I think cold turkey is the way to go unfortunately.

It is so common amongst wealthy families to think that giving all the material things makes for a happy mutually respectful relationship. If a person doesn't have to work for anything, then they do not appreciate it.

I hope she will come back to you asking for help and if she does you need to be there with open arms, but not to give her money, only to give her help, a roof and support provided that she sorts herself out.

[Kickedintheteeth]

She's had a job since she was 16. A part time one, has volunteered etc and isn't cosseted from the world. She's pretty street wise. She'll just have to budget her wages without mummy and daddy being there to bail her out. Most of her friends had the same material things and they're a lovely group of girls. It seems since this lad came long she has no respect at all for us.

If she comes back, I'll be here but there will be no more tolerance of the way she treated us. Her language was disgusting.

[Haffdonga]

Who is looking after the horse?

I'd say horsey must be the first privilege to go, closely followed by the car. She's kicked out of college yet she still gets an extremely expensive hobby subsidised for her. And she has not need of transport if she isn't going to college.

[Haffdonga]

Do you worry that drugs may be involved? (Just thinking about the change in her behaviour, her non attendance at college, her lack of cash for her phone despite 2 jobs and parents paying for everything).

I hope she talks to you.

[unrealhousewife]

Have you ever met the lad she's with? Do you know his family? It may be that he is the problem in which case you might need to intervene tactfully. It may be that he is emotionally abusive and one of the first tricks up their sleeve is to alienate their victim from others around them.

If you feel that may be the case you could talk to her friends about it.

[Kickedintheteeth]

The horse is in full livery.

I don't think drugs are involved. She's very anti drugs. I do think the lad she's seeing isn't a great influence though.

[Kickedintheteeth]

I have met the lad. He seemed ok at first but then she told me she'd been to the GP because he said she smelled and got a prescription deodorant. He hates her going out as he's "insecure" she says and I've spoken to a few of her friends who she doesn't see anymore. Her full life appears to revolve around him.

[unrealhousewife]

Okay.

Big red flags all round. You need to step in quick but read up about emotional abuse and grooming first so you know what you're dealing with.

to you and your daughter.

[Kickedintheteeth]

I will do. Thank you.

[jellybeans]

Very difficult to stop a teenager seeing a 'bad' boyfriend though, I speak from painful experience. You have to hope they see for themselves, trying to stop them often backfires. Horrible situation.

[Kickedintheteeth]

Jellybeans, can I ask what happened? My daughter is very strong willed and has said on numerous occasions she lives her boyfriends life now. I'm very worried.

[unrealhousewife]

www.loveisrespect.org/is-this-abuse/is-this-abuse

This is aimed at teens.

Intervention is very tricky. I don't really want to advise because I don't have the experience tbh, but I do know that it's important to not blame her, that's playing into his hands. It's his influence you are fighting, and you have to be understand his gameplan so you can outsmart him.

to you Jellybeans

[headoverheels]

I agree with unrealhousewife. If you are too harsh you risk driving her into his arms - and he sounds awful. She is still so young. I'm not saying you should support her financially by paying her phone Bill etc, but personally in your situation I would be making it clear that she can move home at any time if she wants to.

[chocoluvva]

I really feel for you.

I agree with headoverheels. Although verbally abusing you is not acceptable she probably needs your support now more than ever before. Is she living with her boyfriend now?

If your DD comes back (and was allowed to have her boyfriend stay over at the weekend) you would probably have more influence over her and be able to keep more of any eye on the situation.

[Kickedintheteeth]

I emailed her last night. She's staying with a friend. She's refusing to meet up and says she's living her life around her boyfriend now. I emailed back saying I'll always be here. No reply.

[chocoluvva]

Could you talk to her friend's parents?

[Kickedintheteeth]

Her friend lives on her own in a flat. I don't know her parents. I'm considering contacting Family Mediation to see if she'll meet me on neutral ground. Jeez, how did our relationship get to this?

[unrealhousewife]

It would help if you can speak with her friend, say you were worried and need some piece of minds.

This might just be her kicking back at you in a normal adolescent way but it might also be a case of him turning her against you. The two require very different strategies.

[jellybeans]

Thank you unrealhousewife.

My situation is actually very similar to yours, OP. Thankfully DD (almost 18) is back home at the moment (but still going out with BF) and all our attempts to intervene (due to extreme and serious concerns) backfired and drove them together. The relationship is horrendous and has involved all-sorts of huge dramas. The stress to us all has been unreal.

I hope your DD comes home and starts talking to you very soon, you are doing all you possibly can. Message me if you want to speak more as I know how hideous it is. Take care.

[Kickedintheteeth]

Thank you. I've sent you a PM.