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ds refusing to come on family holiday.

(43 Posts)
DieselSpillages Thu 26-Jun-14 11:57:57

Ds 15 is flatly refusing to come on a family holiday which has been planned, paid for and involves travelling abroad and going to a family wedding.

He says that if we make him go he will run away. He has done this before and I do believe he's capable of doing it again.

Obviously he can't be allowed sabotage our holiday like this. There's no option to leave him behind. I have listened to him and suggested things that might make it more pleasant for him but he's just refusing.

His girlfriend just attempted suicide which was very traumatic for him so I don't want to go in hard as he's in quite a vulnerable place..
I'm at a loss to know what to do.. he will not reason or show any flexibility.

We are not leaving for a couple of weeks but I could do with some advice as I really don't know what to do so this ends well.

specialsubject Thu 26-Jun-14 12:01:51

is there finance to send him on something on his own? Not sure if he's too old for PGL but there is probably something similar for his age.

what does he suggest he does instead, given that he can't be left on his own?

DieselSpillages Thu 26-Jun-14 12:13:34

I'd thought of that special but he's not open to anything but staying put near his friends. I've asked him to find a solution like stay with a friend etc. but we are gone for 9 days which is quite long. He has no solutions to offer.

ineedaholidaynow Thu 26-Jun-14 12:18:12

Would you be happy for him to stay with friends? Are there a couple of friends he could stay with so splitting up the nine day period, so not being such an imposition on other families?

bigTillyMint Thu 26-Jun-14 12:18:57

Oh dear, I dread this. Is there anyone who would come and stay with him?

PeterParkerSays Thu 26-Jun-14 12:24:49

Why does he not want to go? Kick me for saying it, but could you pay extra for a friend to go with him - the wedding will be more enjoyable if he has a friend to sit with?

Helpys Thu 26-Jun-14 12:26:27

Could one of you 2 parents stay? Assuming, perhaps wrongly that there are two of you? Could a grandparent or older cousin stay? Would he consider coming with you and returning early- a long weekend then back, assuming that the weddings at the beginning.
Sorry lots of assumptions there.

DieselSpillages Thu 26-Jun-14 12:28:15

Can't think of anyone to come and stay as everyone is going to the wedding.

I'm also a bit reluctant to leave him even with someone else as he has been having a really intense time with his girlfiend who just tried to kill herself . He found her and basically saved her life. She is troubled and prone to big mood swings and extreme behviour. He believes himself to be deeply in love with her <sigh>.

I'm reluctant to travel abroad leaving someone else responsible for Ds whilst this is going on. The only solution I can see is not to go myself, but that can't be right ... can It ? Dh would go ape even if I suggest it sad

LeBearPolar Thu 26-Jun-14 12:53:47

I don't think you should give up your holiday. That just teaches him that if he behaves like a brat, he gets rewarded. More worryingly, it teaches him (in later life) that emotionally blackmailing/threatening a woman (if you don't do this, I'll do X) results in them submitting to said blackmail/threats - which is not a healthy lesson for him to learn.

He has no solutions to offer: perhaps tell him that that's unacceptable and that if he is going to create a problem, he also needs to create a solution - as that is how the adult world works, and he seems to want to be treated like an adult whilst behaving like a five year old.

SixImpossible Thu 26-Jun-14 12:57:16

* He found her and basically saved her life. She is troubled and prone to big mood swings and extreme behviour. He believes himself to be deeply in love with her*

Perhaps he also feels responsible for her, and afraid that if he goes away she might try again - and he would not be here to catch her in time.

Featherbag Thu 26-Jun-14 12:58:05

He's 15! He either comes up with a solution himself, or he goes on holiday as planned, end of. Can't believe some posters suggesting one of you stay home with him!

DieselSpillages Thu 26-Jun-14 13:26:40

siximpossible I think that's got something to do with it. She's also often threatening to split up with him if only she would and maybe he's fearful if he leaves for that long she will find someone else. It's all horribly unhealthy and i really was looking forward to him having a break from her.

I agree that he shouldn't be allowed to control the family like this but short of tying him up in the car boot I'm not quite sure how to proceed....

specialsubject Thu 26-Jun-14 13:34:49

can you make him see the horrific emotional blackmail that she is inflicting on him? This would not be acceptable boy to girl and it isn't acceptable girl to boy.

no, you don't give up your trip, and this brattish behaviour has to be ignored. I really hope someone has an answer.

TimeForAnotherNameChange Thu 26-Jun-14 13:37:24

"I agree that he shouldn't be allowed to control the family like this but short of tying him up in the car boot I'm not quite sure how to proceed...."

Exactly. You don't have any options and he knows it. One of you has to stay behind or he has to stay with grandparents or friends. You can't physically manhandle him to the airport and onto the plane, and if you genuinely think he's going to run away if any of the latter two options are put in place, then he's got you over a barrel. I'd give him one last chance at the compromise options, try and get him to see, somehow, any how, that you don't want him to be unhappy but that you are still legally responsible for his safety and the law won't allow you to simply abandon that responsibility. Tell him how game changing it will be for your future relationship with him if he forces your hand into staying behind.

Actually what I'd probably want to do is scream at him until it hurt and then knock some sense into him. I wouldn't, but by god kids are utterly selfish. And the system is such that for a willful child who has no levers, well, parents are physically helpless frankly.

Helpys Thu 26-Jun-14 13:43:10

He's not being a brat! He's 15 and rightly or wrongly believes he is responsible for someone else. How many women on the relationships board are in exactly the same position and unable to extricate themselves? They're never described as brats. hmm
The best case scenario, the solution that you look back at in years' time is that you take him away from this horrid situation and when you get back she dumps him. Unfortunately what could also happen is that she kills herself, or descends blaming him for abandoning her or he runs away once you're there.
How reasonable is he? Could you run through those scenarios with him?

PeterParkerSays Thu 26-Jun-14 13:55:53

Talk to him about his GF and what other support network she has whilst he's away - she must have parents, possibly siblings etc. and he shouldn't be feeling responsible for her.

If you say that he is going to the wedding because, as he's admitted, there is no Plan B, and discuss with him what options his GF has in terms of support whilst he is going to be away, he may go slightly more willingly.

DieselSpillages Thu 26-Jun-14 14:15:05

He knows he can't be emotionally responsible for her and that it was her choice to OD.

The pair of them are on emotional roller coasters. She's his first love and she's all over the place , clearly feels out of control and compensates by trying to contol him.

Her mum is doing her best but is a single mum. Girlfriend is often running away from home and defying her mums rules and he's starting to do the same. If he doesn't bend to her will she threatens to leave him and then he's so devestated he'll do whatever.

SixImpossible Thu 26-Jun-14 14:23:10

The whole situation is probably very frightening to him, and all he sees is you imposing your will on him. He may know that he is not responsible for his dgf, but that doesn't stop him panicking about her.

Can you perhaps approach it from a different angle, showing him that you respect his feelings?

His first serious relationship appears to be somewhat disfunctional, but he doesn't know that, and if you tell him that it is he will probably reject anything you say out of hand.

Hedgehogsrule Thu 26-Jun-14 14:32:42

If his girlfriend he's in love with just tried to kill herself and he found her, of course he'll want to stay at home so he can keep an eye on her and give her support. It's an extreme situation, and on this one occasion I would have one of his parents stay at home with him.

PestoSurfissimos Thu 26-Jun-14 14:52:22

I think I would tell him I was going to contact Social Services regarding his threats to run away. Tell him you think they would rather put him into care than have him at risk. See what he says to that. He might see sense once he realises the reality of the situation he is trying to put you in.

Hedgehogsrule Thu 26-Jun-14 15:24:54

People are being very hard on the boy. He's stopping a parent going on holiday. If it was because of spoilt bored brat behaviour, that would be very annoying, but in fact he is living through a major life crisis and trying to support the person he loves most in the world who has just tried to kill herself. Get a sense of perspective - what he's going through is not trivial just because he is a child rather than an adult. On the contrary, first love is incredibly intense and this will make the experience a lot more difficult for him, together with his inexperience of life. He needs understanding and support, and a recognition that what is happening to him and his girlfriend matters.
If your husband had just attempted suicide, OP, would you be leaving him behind on his own to attend the wedding?

DieselSpillages Thu 26-Jun-14 18:53:39

I understand what you're saying hedgehog Believe me we have been as supportive , loving, non judgemental etc. as we could possibly be. This last terrible action was after a long string of very trying dramas and we have been as understanding as possible whilst trying to watch out for and guide him through this disastrous relationship.

He needs to also understand that his relationship is now having negative consequences not only for him for all the family.

SquidgyMummy Thu 26-Jun-14 19:02:03

Can you not sit him down with his girlfriend and talk to them both - like adults,
Perhaps speak to her mum first to try and get a perspective on why she is behaving this way

chocoluvva Fri 27-Jun-14 14:59:32

He needs to understand that i'ts her illness that is causing her to be so controlling and that giving in to her demands won't help her in the long run.

Would he be reassured a bit by the fact that having OD'ed once, her mum will be watching over her.

Could you ask a friend of his to discuss it with you and him together? He might be more influenced by a peer.

There's an excellent site for 15+ YOs about relationships (and sex) called Scarleteen. Perhaps he could do one of their 'quizzes' about relationships (and realise that his GF is not capable of sustaining a relationship until her mental health problems are sorted.

DieselSpillages Fri 27-Jun-14 17:10:19

Thanks for that link chocoluva . He's spent today being absolutely vile, he's extremely angry and threatening to leave home etc.. I think after a few days of shock he's now acting out his hurt and anger and directing it at us. This in spite of us saying we were looking into every possibility we could regarding the holiday. I think that has just become his catalyst.

I'm trying not to take his nastiness personally but he's really on a mission to self distruct..He's not eaten for 2 days and he ran off saying he was hitching to some party in a distant village ... my spies say he still in our village with his friends. I'm hoping time spent with other young people will calm him down a bit. It's all so bloody stressful sad

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