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14yo DS has asked me to get him condoms - out of my depth

(14 Posts)
sanityseeker75 Wed 04-Jun-14 14:57:05

My DS is 14 - 15 in 6 weeks but still only 14. Last night he told me that he and his friend who is already 15 (she is his friend not even girlfriend) had talked about being friends with benefits and would I please get him some condoms???

Now he is still a virgin which he openly will discuss with me but she has been sexually active for last 6 months with her now ex boyfriend.

So apart from the initial shock, I am seriously concerned not just about him having under age sex but also the fact they are like best friends and that this will clearly impact on the friendship. I have talked through with him that whilst he may well be physically ready I do not believe that he is emotionally ready and he needs to understand the emotional impact of sex not just the doing it bit. I have talked to him about the importance of protection for years so this is why he asked me to provide them? I have told him that both DH and I were both 16 before either of us lost our virginity but I am also really worried about how he will cope with the loss of friendship (it was not that long ago that he was at the doctors with depression and talks of self harming - although hadn't acted on it) as she is the centre of his circle of friends and if they fall out which I feel will be inevitable it is likely to be him that is no longer part of the group.

I told him that I do not condone under age sex but I still feel that I need to buy him the protection because realistically I know that he will just go his own way anyway because what do I know? My DH thinks that buying them shows that I am condoning it but doesn't see that we have much choice faced with the alternatives.

I feel like this is just one great big car crash waiting to happen and I don't know what to do to help with damage limitation other than ground him until he is in his 20's sad

summertimeandthelivingiseasy Wed 04-Jun-14 15:06:57

Take them down to the family planning clinic for some proper advice, pronto. They usually have clinics for young people.

Also, keep him talking to you. Someone I know had a son who was pushed into a sexual relationship with a more experienced girl and this is what they would have done if they had known. Unfortunately he became a father at 14 sad

Bonsoir Wed 04-Jun-14 15:14:48

It sounds as if the girl very much has the upper hand here. Maybe you should point this out to your DS and ask him how he feels about being this girl's sexual plaything? With any luck his pride might kick in and help him see right from wrong...

Cardinal Wed 04-Jun-14 15:20:29

Part of me thinks that if you aren't mature enough to buy/get your own condoms, you aren't mature enough to be having sex.

But then the other part of me knows horny teenagers will do it anyway.

I have no practical advice OP, my girls are now 19 and it is so hard learning to trust them to make the right choices. My DDs first had sex at 15 (with a very long term boyfriend) and (with a friend with benefits). I couldn't tell you which worried me more - but knowing they were both safe was a big help.

Cardinal Wed 04-Jun-14 15:22:46

Other dd was 16, that should read.

sanityseeker75 Wed 04-Jun-14 15:23:29

Thanks both - I have asked him how he would feel if she decided to get back with her boyfriend (they only split up a few days ago and it has been an on and off relationship and I am a bit worried that she is using him to make the ex jealous). Obviously I have tried to keep it more of a how he would feel than slate her to him because I don't want him to think that I am against her as this is likely to just make him want to do it more.

I have checked and family planning clinic is open tomorrow so will take him up then. I will use the if he feels he is ready to sex then needs to be ready to take full responsibility. I have just checked and it says from a legal point of view that a boy that has sex with a 14-15 year old girl can be imprisoned for 2 years but a girl who is over 16 and has sex with a boy under 16 can be prosecuted for indecent assault? So looks like she doesn't face any legal consequences as she is under 16 despite being older than him?

sanityseeker75 Wed 04-Jun-14 15:27:41

Cardinal - if they were both 16 and in a relationship I would still be worried. I do not think he has the emotional capability to have casual sex, I have tried to explain that not everyone is suited to that sort of sexual encounter but it is very hard to explain the emotional side of sex with someone who has never had it.

He has end of year 10 exams coming up and struggles as it is so feel this is not something he needs messing his head up now as well.

NotEnoughTime Wed 04-Jun-14 19:21:58

Hi sanityseeker 75

I have no advice for you (my DS is a few years younger) but I just wanted to say how great I think it is that your DS can talk to you about this situation.

You must have done something very right in regards to parenting him that he can confide in you like this-well done.

NotEnoughTime Wed 04-Jun-14 19:23:56

Have just read that back-it sounds really patronising-I didn't mean it to be blush

Anyway, I think you're great.

<leaves thread now I have made a prat of myself>

sanityseeker75 Wed 04-Jun-14 19:39:03

Thanks notenough, didn't read it as patronising at all so don't worry.

Doesn't feel like I get much right with him at the mo.

I thought having little ones was hard but just constantly worry now he is getting older and I realise now I have little control or influence. I wish he was little again but me still knowing what its like iyswim smile

kelcol Wed 04-Jun-14 20:07:12

I have a teenager nearly 14. His girlfriend was older (since spilt up). open conversations about sex. I told him where I kept the condom not because I wanted him to have sex but sometimes being a responsible parent means doing things we are not completely happy with. I think if your son is talking to you, you need to show you trust him to make the right choice as you have given him the advice and buy the condoms. The more you tell a teen not to do something the more they want to. I'd rather my son spoke to me and was safe from pregnancy and std's.
I know lots of people will disagree but parents who don't talk to there children are asking for trouble. We all know kids are trying things younger so let's give them the education and tools to protect themselves.
Good luck (my son broke up with his girlfriend without having sex) xx

heyday Wed 04-Jun-14 22:08:48

For many young people they are attracted to things that are or seem taboo. By saying that whilst you are not happy about this situation, but you are still prepared to make sure he is safe it may not seem quite so risky and therefore not quite so appealing. It sounds as if this may well go wrong emotionally but sadly, as much as we try to talk to our kids and protect them, they have to learn life's painful lessons for themselves. I do hope this doesn't all end in tears.

chocoluvva Tue 10-Jun-14 17:37:49

Hopefully it won't happen. 15YOs change their minds about things all the time. I'd try to stall for time and pretend to be unfazed by the idea other than to say that it would be nicer for him if the first time was really special with someone really special.

Trazen Sun 15-Jun-14 00:01:51

Well done you though on your son talking to you. I felt lucky when my sons talked to me. So many go to the family planning without parents knowing. So that's great he can talk to you. I'd take him to the family planning just to leave condoms on his drawer. He might not have sexy with this girl but if he's having these feelings it wouldn't hurt to have protection ready Good luck

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