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At wits end with 15 year old DS - advice please

(4 Posts)
catkin14 Sun 11-May-14 22:18:06

Really need some help here please : (
I left my EA husband last march and we are now divorced. He is now engaged to his new partner. He was distraught when I left him and tried to get youngest DS to get me to take him back, promised DS that he would spend every weekend with him but then he met new woman after 5 weeks and hasnt looked back and has virtually now abandoned DS. DS gets maybe a text every 4 weeks. Exh asks to meet up but leaves it so late that DCs have other arrangements.
DS is 15 and now has periods of extreme anger, but tonight he was just sobbing his heart out, saying how much he misses his dad and loves him.
We all find it very difficult to talk to my ex-h as he is never wrong and this whole situation is my fault so I would find it hard to tell exh how DS is suffering. I am also still afraid of him and how manipulative he can be. But I hate to see my DS suffering so much, it is now beginning to stop my ability to move on.
Meanwhile exh is living the high life with his new partner and seems to have forgotten about his DCs, the other 2 are older and do not live at home. He has not sent any of them even a text on their birthdays.
DS has agreed to see a counsellor which is a start but I am at my wits end, feel like I have just got through the year from hell after a horrible divorce but still DS cant move on.
Any advice please?

EvaTheOptimist Sun 11-May-14 22:24:27

I just wanted to say - this situation is NOT your fault. It sounds like you've done brilliantly to rescue yourself AND model for your kids that emotional abuse is not to be tolerated.

I don't know the first thing about how you are communicating with Exh at the moment, but could you send a text/email with just bare facts nothing else - eg "DS would love to meet up with you if you can suggest a convenient date" ?

If even that is going to draw you into a hurtful exchange, can you ask one of your grown-up DC to send such a text instead?

catkin14 Sun 11-May-14 22:36:51

Thanks for reply.
Exh and I do not really communicate at all atm, he hates me and totally blames me.
I have told DS that he needs to meet his father a bit on this, ie be prepared to be a bit flexible about meeting him, as he works away most of the week.
The situation is not helped but the fact that DS is 15, lots of volatile hormones.
And that also his father seems incapable of being an adult and being the bigger man here. DS has now lost contact with his Nan ad Exh doesnt take DC to see her (she also hates me for leaving her precious son so i cant)
I cannot believe this man who said he loved his DS so much has just walked away without barely a backward glance..

EvaTheOptimist Mon 12-May-14 10:33:19

Really tricky. I think you will have to ask one of your older DC to pass the message to Exh. Perhaps even with a choice of 2 dates which would work for DS.

It sounds like social skills are not Exh strong point... (to make an understatement)

On Nan... As an adult, I realised it was now down to me to make arrangements to meet up with my grandpa. I would sometimes co-ordinate and coincide with my Ddad (who would similarly never contact anyone if left to his own devices, ie lack of social skills; though in his case he is not also an emotional abuser). But basically I came to a realisation that my relationship with my grandpa was no longer going to be facilitated through my parents. And nor should it be.

So maybe it would be worth a conversation with your adult DC, that their relationship with their Nan is now in their hands. Make sure they are armed with her phone numbers, email (and birthday date!). And encourage them to make contact - and if they make arrangements, could they please include DS as then he will be able to see Nan too.

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