Please help, 14DD refusing to come home and now local authority involment

[tellietwotums]

I never thought i'd find myself posting here and its my first time so please bear with me.
as the title says really.
background info, DD1 (14) has became increasingly difficult over the last 2 years, all pretty normal teenage girl stuff until she pushes boundaries and i have to say no. when this happens, if i have to raise my voice, she becomes hysterical, fakes panic attacks and has huge physical tantrums.
There have been 2 of these episodes over the last few months the first one she bit me and drew blood because i wouldn't let her have time off school to go to a concert, the most recent one because i have forced her to attend school when she was faking illness.
the first time she was throwing herself around and faking this panic attack and because of the way she spoke to me i told her i was confiscating her phone. the result was horrific, she accused me of attacking her when all i was doing was pulling her back to her room. then she bit me so hard when i forcibly tried to remove her mobile.
the next time was this week, she went back to school after the bank hol and on Wednesday morning came to my room claiming she was ill and wasn't going in. I could see that there was nothing wrong with her so told her she had to take some paracetamol and go. she point blanky refused, i raised my voice, cue huge argument, me screaming her faking more panic attacks. when i confiscated her mobile again, it transpired her best friend was off with the same illness. (headache and dizziness)
when she finally left for school things had cooled down and she seemed fine, however that is the last i have seen of her.
she has gone to my estranged sisters house and is refusing to return home.
i have called the police, they will not assist me in bringing her home, however this has resulted in a social worker calling me. My DD is claiming she is unloved unwanted and left out of family life (I have a young DD2 18m with my new partner) This couldn't be further from the truth... my DD has the best that we can afford to buy. she is kissed and hugged each night before bed and i tell her i lover her everyday.
she has spent the first ten years of her life with just me, we have shred days out together to london, picnics in the park, shopping trips, music gigs and festivals holidays on the beach, family feast nights and harry potter Sundays. My partner has taken her as his own as she has no contact with the biological one.
i've been in to school today and they have all said including the social worker that she is just being a drama queen but they can not force her to come,
we have had episodes of fake self harming too, when i say fake i mean very slight scratches just enough to mark. all this has been since the arrival off DD2
as a result of all of this its literally tearing my family apart. my partner, her step father is disgusted in her behavior.

its got to the point where i am afraid to discipline her for fear of her actions.

so at the moment she is at my estranged sisters still using the internet and social media, wrapping them around her finger and getting them to buy her clothes etc,

we have a crisis meeting on Tuesday at school with a target support worker who wants to refer her to Cahms but i have to idea what to expect, i also feel that this is just enabling my DD1 by suggesting she has issues when all she is doing is attention seeking.

i have barekly slept or stopped crying for days now

i have no idea who my DD1 is anymore

[MmeMorrible]

Hope you're OK OP, this sounds like an awful situation. I think suggested referral to CAMHS sounds like a good idea.

Have you tried speaking to Youngminds? They operate a free advice line for worried parents.

Sorry I can't be more help. I'm sure more experienced teen wranglers will be along soon.

[Redcliff]

This whole episode sounds awful - I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. It must be difficult for you with her at your sisters - do you think a bit of time apart might help?

[tellietwotums]

thank you both for replying.
If my sister wasn't enabling her behavior, i may agree that the time apart could help. but at the moment she is living the life of Riley there with no consequences for her actions.

tbh its no wonder she doesn't want to come home. :(

[restandpeace]

I may be wrong but why not text her that you love her and want her home but its u to her. Sit tight.

[LaurieFairyCake]

She does have issues.

She's literally prepared to start a drama over fuck all - that is an issue.

You're doing nothing wrong. Don't give her money, she will come home. Keep saying there's rules plus also all the love stuff.

[VeryStressedMum]

The camhs referral is a good idea, they will be able to talk to her about her feelings.
Just wondering, are you sure she's faking all these things? Not saying she's not but is there a chance she is actually having panic attacks?
Also, I don't have experience is self harm, but how bad do the injuries have to be before it's classed as proper self harm?
It sounds like she does have issues and the attention seeking behaviour is because of under lying issues. My dd is 14 and has loads of issues and is under camhs, her behaviour could be seen as attention seeking but she behaves like that because of how she is feeling.
Even if she is putting it on, her behaviour is quite extreme and out of control, eg the tantrums so going to camhs is a good step.