Friendless teenage DD

[DaisytheStrange]

My DD has no friends. She is a lovely, quiet, intelligent girl who prefers to spend her time reading and watching obscure anime DVDs to socialising. In the past when she has tried to make friends it has always turned sour, with the friend ditching her in favour of more popular girls.

She now seems to have given up and is telling me that she doesn't actually like the company of other children and finds their interests boring and shallow

I'm really worried she is turning into such a loner. Her teachers tell me she spends all her time alone at break times, reading. They have tried to encourage her mix with other girls, but DD is quietly resistant. Counselling has been offered, but DD is refusing to go, insisting that she is not depressed but just wants to be left alone. I suspect she is secretly lonely and would love to have a friend.

Do any of you have teenage children who have absolutely no friends? How unusual is this?

[DaisytheStrange]

PS: I should have said, my DD is 13 years old, nearly 14.

[AnneOfCleavage]

Could she join a local reading club at the library and so teenagers she meets there would have similar interests to her? It does seem very unusual not to have a single friend but perhaps someone will come on to say different in a bit.

Sorry nothing you say seems to be encouraging her and perhaps she does genuinely like her own company, even prefer it at times but at some point she'll miss out on that all important confidante to share stuff with - or perhaps that's you and that's all she needs right now.

Hopefully someone more helpful will come along in a moment.

[drinkyourmilk]

I was very much like your daughter. I'm still a loner, though I have a handful of close friends and I'm due to get married this year.
I didn't really connect with anyone until college. I still don't have aquaintences, I'm just not interested in small talk. Fwiw I was never unhappy socially. Maybe she is the same?

[twentyten]

There are lots of on line stuff for teens into anime etc and "cons" gatherings full of like minded types..... Worth exploring? With guidance for safety!

[OscarWinningActress]

Hmmm...tricky. Some people just prefer their own company, or that of close family or one or two friends. Try not to make her feel inqdequate...if she's an introvert there's not much you can do to change that and it doesn't mean that she's anti-social. Encourage her to take an art class or get a part-time job so that she's at least practicing social skills. I think lots of very sensitive, intelligent or creative types don't really find their social groove until they get to Uni/College where individuality is celebrated more.

[thornrose]

My 14 yo dd has no friends but she has Aspergers. She has had friends but they've gradually faded away

I know people that didn't have friends at school but things changed once they started college like drink. I think some children just have to tolerate school and come into their own later.

My sister had no friends at school and she has the most friends of anyone I know now and a great social life.

It's a worry, but if your dd says she's happy then maybe she is!

[Ledkr]

Ds2 was like this, he just liked to be at home drawing or watching tv. He's 26 now with lots of friends.
How about guides. It's not so full of queen bees.

[DaisytheStrange]

Thanks for your replies. Yes, I agree she will probably be much happier once she is older and has left school. School has always been difficult for her, socially. It is the norm for children to either have a best friend or to be part of a group - and if you don't conform to this, you stand out as an outsider - DD has always found break times very difficult because of this. She was bullied at a previous school because the other children found her odd. No bullying at her new school, but no sign of her forming any kind of friendship either...

[Picturesinthefirelight]

I've had 12 year old dd in floods if tears tonight. School think she may have aspergers. She finds socialising difficult &tends to go off with a book. The girls in her year tell the teachers they find it difficult to be friends with her.

She actually asked to leave school tonight.

[Picturesinthefirelight]

Dd was also seen as odd at her primary school. She's now at a school with children who share her interest, (performing arts) but still doesn't fit in. She made a friend at the start of the year but is now being excluded.

She's got big confidence issues too but she doesn't help herself as she can appear rude or won't let something drop.

[DaisytheStrange]

@Iseenyou She hasn't been in the school long - less than a term, but the friendless thing has been going on ever since her earliest years at primary school. I tried really hard when she was little, inviting other girls over etc, but for some reason she has always been excluded by the other girls. The popular kids always sniggered and whispered about her, just within hearing distance, and stuck unkind post-it notes on her back - once she walked around with one of these notices half a day without noticing and was wondering why people were pointing and giggling.

I was hoping the new school would be a fresh start for her - she says the girls seem to be nicer there, but despite this she seems unable/unwilling to connect with them and is as isolated as ever...

[Nocomet]

DD1 doesn't have friends at school, she also vanishes into the library. She does have friends from Rangers who also like hiking, climbing trees, dr who and Sherlock.

She doesn't do teen angst, boys, fashion, pop music etc, she finds worrying what other people think or what they'd do in a situation utterly exhausting, just as I do.

DD2, who always has a gang of friends, does all this a weird stuff naturally, DD1 and me find it very odd.

I don't think there is an easy answer, beyond encouraging her to do extracurricular stuff that means she might meet kindred spirits.

As others say, school mates do get more tolerant as you get older. DD1 rubs along much better with her peers now than she did in Y7/8 and I still have friends from uni and DH from his postgrad days.

[Picturesinthefirelight]

We'd hoped that being a specialist school that it would mean that dd met kindred spirits who had the sane interests as her.

She wasn't happy in her old school - I donntbrhinknthe issues would go away in a new one.

We told her last night of our sudpicions re asd & she actually seems relieved this morning.

OP is your dd happy?

[DaisytheStrange]

@Picturesinthefirelight She is happy at home, but dreads going to school. The change of school hasn't been the miracle cure she'd hoped for and she is now asking me to consider home schooling, which is out of the question. Your daughter's experience sounds very similar to DD's - I hope things get better for her soon.

[thornrose]

My dd dreads school too Daisy she often asks me to let her change school but I honestly feel that she would struggle at any school.

My dd is very complex, on the one hand she wants friends, but she finds it very draining to be a friend, if that makes sense! I just think there has to be a girl out there that would get her and want to spend time with her.

[Picturesinthefirelight]

Didn't mean to hijack but some of the things sounded so similar.

[saffronwblue]

pictures your DD sounds very like mine. ASD, 12 years old, very intense about the subjects she is interested in - history, theatre etc. Adults adore her but she finds it really hard to hit the right note with her contemporaries.
daisy I always tell my DD that life will get easier and better as she gets older. She has bonded with a couple of older girls at school who are up for long intense talks, but has few people her age to hang out comfortably with.

[PurpleBouncingHoppily]

From the descriptions here, I'd be delighted if my dd2 (12) had some of these lovely girls as her friends. She does not have ASD and hasn't previously had trouble socially, but at secondary just doesn't gel with the other girls due to differing interests. She's into indie music, YouTube, Sherlock, drawing, Marvel heroes... and they're all about makeup and One Direction. I'm hoping that she finds her "people" eventually. Dd1 (15) with much more of a history of difficulties, certainly did, and is in a happy group of friends who are all into similar things.

[saffronwblue]

Have just started a thread in chat about my dd's current issue.

[MooncupGoddess]

Does she have any interests out of school - music, theatre, guides, sport etc? Sometimes it's easier to make friends in more structured environments.

I sympathise, I found the whole boys/clothes/pop thing utterly tedious and baffling, but fortunately I always managed to find a couple of other girls like me, which was just about enough.

She will probably be fine as an adult.

[saffronwblue]

daisy I feel for her dreading school. It is hard because you want them to have friends and have that fun and caring that really good friends can bring.