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prepare to be shocked;but at this moment in time, i wish i could throw my teenage dd out , ive reached breaking point.:-(

(867 Posts)
canttakeanymore Sat 26-Aug-06 19:23:54

this is long, im afraid.
im a regular with a namechange.
my eldest daughter has been a handful since she was 18 months old, she started having violent rages which have just got worse and worse.
when her brother was born, she took her rages out on him and i never dared leave her alone with him.
by the time she was 9, her behaviour was so bad that she punched me in the tummy when i was 9 months preg with ds2, just because i told her off for hitting her brother.
her father and i seperated when she was a baby and he has been no help, he always made it clear that he couldnt care less how she behaved in my house.
the last couple of years have been really bad, the trouble is, when shes calm, she can be lovely, and also puts forward a very convincing act of being a little angel, so previous attempts to seek help have fallen flat on the ground as no one beleives that anything is wrong.
she will usually errupt into a rage because shes told she cant have/do something, she will attack my other children, throwing things at them, shes smashed her bedroom door on the inside and chunks are missing from the walls.
the last time she went beserk, she went to a friends and told them i hit her!!!! the mother threatened to phone social services, it took a while for me to convince her otherwidse and im sure she thinks im cruel to dd.
i cant touch dd otherwise she screams child abuse.
this week shes grounded as she had an explosion a few days ago, i also took her phone away from her.
today she started kicking off demanding her phone back, i ignored her and she went beserk, she terrified 2 year old dd, and i dread to think what my neighbours must think.
she smashed her room up, then stormed off to her friends, i was powerless to stop her, shes probally down there now telling lies that i abuse her....i cant stop crying..where did i go wrong...ive even considered suicide because i seem to be in a no win is the final straw, i just want her out of my house, i refuse to let her terrorise my other children, but shes ponly 15, so i cant make her leave, but if i could i would....

SenoraPostrophe Sat 26-Aug-06 19:27:57

ok, this may sound like a glib answer but it sounds as though she is deeply troubled and needs professional help. I don't know how you can persuade her of that, but have you tried asking her if she is ok etc?

MoreTeaAnyone Sat 26-Aug-06 19:28:07

So sorry, I don't have any experience, my kids are much younger.

Didn't want to ingore your thread. Can you ask social services for help?

Chandra Sat 26-Aug-06 19:30:48

Can you contact your HV? (not sure they work with children that age) and ask for some help? Some councils run workshops for parents to learn how to tackle problematic children/teenage behaviour.

Wonder if social services may help you (but iI believe, that it would be better if you contact them yourself before it explodes or she lies to them). Now thinking of it, please don't contact them until somebody with some experience with them shows up in this thread.

Many hugs, please try to go for a walk, take a bath, try to calm down. Can you ring anybody to come around?

tribpot Sat 26-Aug-06 19:31:55

No experience to offer here either, just lots of sympathy.

What about the dad of your younger children (assuming this is someone else as you separated from dd1's dad when she was little), can he back you up when discussing this with other people? Has anyone else seen her acting out?

threebob Sat 26-Aug-06 19:33:47

How is she at school, with friend's mums etc?

SecurMummy Sat 26-Aug-06 19:34:12

Actually you can, but I don't think that would actually help either of you. It is not ok for her to be scaring such young children, or for her to be treating you in such a way. However, I suspect, from what you have said that things have moved beyond a situation where you can resolve it between you. Have you approached your GP or health visitor to see if they can recommend a good family mediator?

FWIW, I am sorry you are faced with this situation, I know what it is like to feel you are useless in a situation where you think you should be able to cope. The fact is that we are not all seeing and all knowing. It is ok to need help sometimes.

snowleopard Sat 26-Aug-06 19:34:53

No experience as a parent, but my sister was very like this as a teenager - and she was quite troubled, though that's another story, but she did grow out of it.

Can you talk to her when she's nice and normal and say the rages are too much for you and the other kids and you have to work on a lan for what to do when one comes along... try being sympathetic and say you know it must be scary for her to feel so angry but it is her teenage hormones and you want to help. When she's not in a rage, she may listen to this.

littlemissbossy Sat 26-Aug-06 19:35:32

ctam... poor you ... I sympathise I really do. She needs help, this is not normal behaviour. Go to your GP for suggestions perhaps to contact a local family mental health therapy unit - they help children with behavioural problems. If not, seriously consider social services, or threaten her with this... if they get involved they could put her in care if they thought she was a threat to the rest of your younger children. BTW keep a diary of her behaviour. HTH

snowleopard Sat 26-Aug-06 19:35:51

Sorry plan not "lan"

canttakeanymore Sat 26-Aug-06 19:37:47

i forgot to say, she self harms as well.
i know that deep down a lot of the problem is that she has a vile temper and also is very unhappy due to her father being the crappiest dad ever, hes emotionally abused her for years and ive been powerless to help.
yes ive asked her, weve had so many long talks you wouldnt beleive, most of the time she says its because shes unhappy having brothers and sisters, but thats just tough, i do things with her, i spend time with her, i love her, what more can i do?

MoreTeaAnyone Sat 26-Aug-06 19:39:27

You must get your dd help. She desperately needs it. Please.

canttakeanymore Sat 26-Aug-06 19:41:34

ive tried, she was rently referred to the childrens mental health services, she had an initial assessment, where she lied about the self harming and claimed she just didnt get on with me, the woman said there was no help to offer as it was obviously just a mother/daughter clash.
she has behaved like this with my mother and my husband who im currently seperated from

threebob Sat 26-Aug-06 19:43:29

Having sisters and brother is something she can't change - so it is tough.

Having the crappiest dad in the universe - also tough really, she can't change that either.

She does need some help, preferably now - whilst she is still young enough for you to make her go.

canttakeanymore Sat 26-Aug-06 19:44:06

shes had oppurtunities in the past where shes been referred but she just denies everything, i have tried..honestly, im not such an evil mother that i dont care but what about my family and me, why should we suffer?

threebob Sat 26-Aug-06 19:44:39

Okay - if she won't have the help - what about you? Having someone to talk to would really help you - especially as you wouldn't lie!

MoreTeaAnyone Sat 26-Aug-06 19:45:01

You have to make people believe how bad it is. Your daughter is ill. If it was any other illness ie. physical you'd do everything in your power to get help, no matter what people said.

You should try to think of things in that context. I really feel for you and hope that everything begins to move on.

Molesworth Sat 26-Aug-06 19:46:39

I'm appalled at the attitude of CAMHS

I have a 15 yr old dd who is pretty much out of control too CTAM, so you have my sympathy. I would say one of the positives in your situation is that your dd is still there, that you are still able to ground her etc. It sounds to me like you still have some control over her.

How is she doing at school? Does she attend regularly? Has she got any plans post-GCSEs?

canttakeanymore Sat 26-Aug-06 19:46:55

she was so convincing at the appt the other day, she sat there as if butter wouldnt melt and lied about everything, i got cross and said to the woman, look at her arms fgs, she just replied, i dont think you are behaving very appropriately mrs x

canttakeanymore Sat 26-Aug-06 19:48:34

shes not here at the mo, she left an hour ago, even though shes supposedly grounded.
she has no idea what she wants to do after school. she doesnt even have a saturday job now.

snowleopard Sat 26-Aug-06 19:48:52

CTAM, I know trhis is going to sound a bit pop psychology and I'm far from an expert, but it does sound is if she's hit the nail in the head when she says it's about the sublings - though she may not understand it herself. Her dad left and is crap - all she's ever had is you - you have younger siblings and she's had to be a big sister when she was crying out to be the baby and have all your attention. Pretending to health professionals that nothing's wrong forces everything back onto you.

I'm sure she isn't doing all this consciously but I do think it sounds as if she needs attention and understanding... the most difficult thing in the world when you're at the end of your tether I know.

Molesworth Sat 26-Aug-06 19:51:32

CTAM my dd sounds very similar to yours She is very good at saying what she thinks someone wants to hear. I also got a referral to CAMHS but haven't managed to get her to attend any of the appointments so far. She is repeatedly running away from home, and there's little that social services can do. It's a nightmare.

canttakeanymore Sat 26-Aug-06 19:51:41

i appreciate that she wants attention, she gets plenty of it, however does everyone that ever has brothers and sisters behave this

snowleopard Sat 26-Aug-06 19:53:43

No not at all - it's not having brothers and sisters that's making her like this, but her insecurities and wanting you all to herself - I'm not saying this is in any way normal or healthy. It sounds awful and I agree with everyone else she and you both need help.

canttakeanymore Sat 26-Aug-06 19:54:41

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