trivial, but...

[chocoluvva]

would any of you leave your 17.5 YO on their own in the house for four nights? She is going to a party one night and to a friends another. Therefore she is adamant that she wouldn't have a party - five friends would be invited round one night. Her BF (18) would probably stay over a couple of times.

[ilovenetmums]

Yep totally she is old enough to have a baby and 6 months off being a legal adult

[OldLadyKnowsSomething]

Yes, if you're sure you can trust her and, as importantly, her friends, on the no-party thing.

I left home at 17 and a month.

[AgentProvocateur]

Yes, of course. Plenty of young people that age are at uni and living on their own. Why on earth wouldn't you?

[chocoluvva]

Thank you.I would let her. Until recently I used to think anyone who left their teens on their own were asking for trouble, but we know several people who have gone away in the knowledge that their teens will have get-togethers involving alcohol and they haven't had any problems.

However I stupidly said Yes, but run it by your DF' (who was away at a friend for the weekend). When she asked him he said no - flatout - "that's the end of it," Victorian father style. He is worried about the house - understandably. And DD would normally come with us as we're going to visit family - there's no particular need for her to stay here. She wants to go to a party, will see the family quite soon anyway and fancies having the house to herself.

I was annoyed with him and stupidly encouraged DD to have another go at persuading him - promising she wouldn't have a party, strict rules etc. As she predicted, he blew up instantly, called me names and that is the end of that.

Perhsps this is a thread for relationships really - I wish I'd told her I'd discuss it with DH before getting her hopes up. I wondered what other people think.

[chocoluvva]

We have a small house and DH and I don't go out much in the evenings, unlike lots of the other parents we know, so DD doesn't bring her friends back very often. They go for walks, hang out, go to other houses instead.

I trust her - she's still a bit of a teenage drama queen sometimes, but sensible really. She goes to loads of parties and has always come home in a reasonable state. She tells me about drinking games, which I find oddly reassuring - as she seems to know her limits. Recently, her BF came back from a party with her, drunk and threw up in the bathroom (DH wasn't here) but he was embarrassed and apologetic the next day.

'In my day' I don't remember people leaving their teens at home. But I do trust her. DH doesn't though.

[AgentProvocateur]

Ah, I'm sorry - I wasn't thinking of it from a party point of view - more from a "will she be ok" one.

Do you have good neighbours who would step in if there were signs of a wild party?

[JeanSeberg]

I feel sorry for her re. her dad unless she has given you cause to not trust her previously which doesn't sound like the case.

Is she off to uni later in the year?

[OldLadyKnowsSomething]

When was "your day"? My parents left dsis (18) and me (16) in 1978, for a fortnight. We did have a party but there wasn't too much damage, and we had a week to clean up.

[chocoluvva]

I believe her when she says she wont' have a party: there's an 18th birthday party at a friend's house and a get-together at another friend's house so that's two nights out of the four. And I think DD would be nervous about hosting a party in her own home TBH.

I would have suggested to DH that we tell a couple of neighbours and her friend's parents that we'll be away. Her friend's parents would step in if need be I'm sure.

[chocoluvva]

She's off to uni in sept. Will have a shared flat in our local city - not that far from home. DH is completely fine about that - (despite the needless extravagance) He probably thinks she can wait until then to do her own thing. She is quite young for her age in some ways - can be giggly, shy, complain about teachers etc, but she seems to cope with a hectic social life.

She is reliable as far as locking up, turning off appliances etc.

[chocoluvva]

Oldlady - you're a very similar vintage to me.

We are going away in the car - it's a long drive but not abroad.

[JeanSeberg]

You need to put your foot down with him then. He's not senior parent and what message does it send to your daughter that you can't make a decision without his say-so?

[OldLadyKnowsSomething]

Will you be able to persuade your dh, do you think? Your dd sounds sensible and mature, and as you say there's already two parties to attend.

[chocoluvva]

I completely understand his point of view - until she started going to boozy parties when she turned 17 and I asked other parents how the parties had gone I felt the same.

And I regret not discussing it with him first. In fact I nearly back-tracked with her before DH got back from his weekend away on the grounds that it would be nicer if she came with us to the relations - the whole-family together etc. But that's going to happen in the summer anyway.

I was cross with him for refusing to discuss it. He asked if I remember what we were like at that age. I do and though it involved QUITE a lot of booze, we wouldn't have dreamt of trashing our homes or our friends homes. And I used to do a lot of cooking when my mum was out from the age of 15.

[chocoluvva]

DH wouldn't apologise for calling me an 'idiot' and a 'moron' (in front of DD) because I was being an idiot and a moron apparently. Who has been manipulated by DD.

DD couldn't manipulate a lump of plasticine. She has no cunning. She is definitely not manipulative.

He said she could stay with friends if she doesn't want to miss the party.

[JeanSeberg]

I don't like the sound of him OP.

[OldLadyKnowsSomething]

Yeah, the worst of the damage at the party we held was caused by uninvited young men, one of whom took a bite out of a whole packet of raw bacon and then threw eggs at the back door. There was some vomit, and the odd teary teenage girl on the stairs, but nothing major.

Mind you, I have heard some terrible tales these days, social media and all that, so, yes, I can see his pov too. Shame he doesn't trust dd as much as you do.

[OldLadyKnowsSomething]

Oh, x-posts. I'm not liking the sound of him either!

[chocoluvva]

It's unfortunate that there isn't a possible compromise. He was annoyed that having said no very clearly, I then backed DD in her attempt to change his mind.

If he'd said, 'I strongly feel that's not a good idea,' 'I'd be very concerned about something going wrong' or something I would have left it.

[chocoluvva]

I think he thinks I must be unable to say no to DD as I used to have the same view as him. DD and I have a fairly close relationship I'd say, she tells me a lot of things (edited obviously ). We often go for a walk together if the weather is nice. We have a shared hobby that we go to as well.

DH tends not to pay attention. Sometimes he locks the door because he hasn't heard her tell us that she's going out.

DD asked me how she could get a conversation started without him automatically saying no, getting in a bad mood and storming off - which is precisely what he did. She thought if he could listen to her examples of other parents who had gone away leaving their teens behind and swear not to have more than five friends round he might be persuaded.

[OldLadyKnowsSomething]

Hmm, he's not exactly treating her as a grownup, is he? I know she's not 18 yet, but she's not far off, and he really needs to change his parenting style. But how you persuade him of that, I have no idea.

[JeanSeberg]

Do you have any sons?

[chocoluvva]

We have a DS (15).

[JeanSeberg]

And how is your husband with him?

[chocoluvva]

Fine. Supportive of his male interests. Otherwise not too bothered. DH tends to sit and ignore the rest of the house TBH. Wouldn't think to tell DS to go to bed, check he's eaten anything at the weekend, doesn't ask if he has homework etc.

Pleased for him when he does well.