What techniques to you use to say "no" to teens and do they work?(6 Posts)
My main technique is an " I need to really think about weather this is safe/appropriate" for you to do. I think you need to think too about the risks as well as the upsides.... No don't shout them at me now, have a think and we'll talk at the weekend ( or what ever).
Interestingly, on all the occasions I've had a really serious reservation about the child has decided not to do it in the end and all has been fairly OK.
I don't say no without sound reasons though and never have so I guess they know if I'm sucking my teeth it might not be a good idea.
I would say no and not let them go if I was really worried but I've never had too. Though at 14+ you can't really forcibly stop them I guess.
AS i said on the party thread, I'm also very happy to be the " bad guy" for them to blame if they want an out of anything too. I think sometimes this allows them to use their head and blame an appropriate choice on the parents, thus saving face (it's been used when they have too much work to do to party but don't want to let on this is the case so far).
We always tried to explain our reasons. We also said that no doubt sometimes we would say yes when we should have said no and sometimes said no when we should have said yes.
As the parents you have to do what you feel is in your child's best interest, even if they can't see it at the time.
Theas18 I would say my tactics are identical.
As they get older you can be confronted with requests to do new things and put on the spot. I don't want to wrap them in cotton wool
much as I would like to but I want to avoid agreeing to something and then changing my mind.
I usually stall by asking for more information about the activity / party /trip or whatever. I weigh it up, ask Mumsnet sometimes and then explain my decision.
More than once after mulling it over, I have said yes, only to find they have decided they don't think it's a good idea after all.
Of course once they reach a certain age you can't stop them, but I do find DS1 (18) will still ask me first.
Unfortunately that didn't happen when it came to him booking a lads holiday .
So far mine haven't asked anything I haven't been able (nervously sometimes) agree to.
DD2 at 13 hasn't, yet, been invited to any dodgy parties.
DD1(16) has ever been invited to a dodgy party or I fact more than tea, with anyone from school. Her DFs are more likely to get lost hiking across the country side than drunk.
That said she has asked to go to the prom after party, which does worry me, a lot. However, she is 16 and by 16 I'd been to, probably 50 village dances all involving alcohol, so I can't say much.
Nocomet You will be! (I remember those village dances with drink and woods and fields and stuff).
At 13 DS1 wanted to go to a mixed sleepover. We live in the sticks and all their friends are spread over miles.
After much thought and checking I agreed. He and his friends had a lot of fun that year, before they started girl/boyfriend stuff.
DS1 wanted to go to a dodgy party at 13. I said no. He was fine and I later discovered it was far from dodgy, it was well supervised and I felt mean.
DS2 says he won't be going on a lads holiday because his friends would probably rather visit museums.
DS1's after prom party was hosted by a mum who laid on marquees and bouncers. It was so over policed that most of them left and got up to no good in the park.
I think it depends on which teen you are talking about - 15 is different from 13, 16 (and in the 6th form) quit a different stage too, and then of course 18 or 19, different again.
I think it helps that they've had you parenting them all their lives. Mine know that I will encourage them to do anything and everything within reason, so I'm not a restrictive or controlling Mum, and I think that comes into play. By the time they are older teens, I have tended to go with "well, it's up to you, but have you considered.......". Things that have seemed a stunningly brilliant idea when someone first suggested it, they tend to come round to realise they might not be such good ideas when they've had a few days to think about it. Banning them outright at first enthusiasm is much more likely to produce a stand off, IME.
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