Really can't cope with 13 year old, want him to live elsewhere(62 Posts)
I know that sounds awful but I've had 13 years of it. Right from nursery he's been constantly in and out of trouble, often the target of other parent's complaints.
He just doesn't seem to see consequence for anything, cares about nobody but himself. From petty stuff like that the fact that we can't buy biscuits as he eats the entire packet before anyone else has chance to have any. I have to hide multipack crisps in the boot of my car or a pack of 24 will be gone within days (well, all the flavours he likes). We can't buy "nice" drinks as nobody else gets chance to have any. My eldest son is constantly complaining that the entire family suffers because of one person being greedy and selfish.
He won't go to sleep on a night. As soon as we all go to bed he's up, creeping around the house, raiding cupboards, on the internet, messing with stuff. We've tried turning off the wifi so he has nothing to do but he just sneaks down and turns it back on in the middle of the night. We even set the burglar alarm so he can't sneak around the house and he even manages to avoid that going off.
He breaks EVERYTHING. He's managed to break 3 xbox's. He's now on his 3rd and that too has been broken but somehow still works (just). I bought him a £50 HTC phone as his first phone as I knew he would probably lose it so didn't get him an expensive one. He lost it a few months later in New York. This christmas I bought him a second hand iphone 4 - he'd lost it by february.
He won't save up his pocket money and then kicks off that we won't "lend" him money to buy games. He steals money from me and his brother. He's been banned from a local tesco for being part of a group that was going in stealing energy drinks and sweets and he continuously plays up about going to school either playing truant when I've gone to work or pretending that he's lost his bus pass so that I give him money (which he then spends on sweets).
He's rude, cheeky, swears, called my partner a paedophile - infact he's almost ruined my relationship as he makes the house a horrible place to be and my partner can't cope with it (and I know I wouldn't live with it if he wasn't my kid).
This morning - my one chance of a lie in he starts again, kicking off, saying he hates me etc etc. The truth is, I don't even want to live with him anymore, I've had enough of him. Trouble is, his dad probably won't want him living there either
Oh and he broke a £500 laptop within a year.
He sounds absolutely spoilt!
On his 3rd Xbox, WTF?
What consequences do you give him for his behaviour?
Change the WIfi password.
Don't buy any other phones.
Stop his picket money.
Only buy crisps he doesn't like.
Put a lock on his door
Ignore his whining. Only talk to him when he is behaving nicely.
This is harsh but does work. Well it did with mine, I just sort of treated him like a naughty puppy really
If you're not going to be consistent though don't even bother starting. If you stop and start he will FIND YOUR WEAK SPOTS AND GRIND YOU DOWN TO DUST!!!!
Like the dog.
The thing is he makes life so difficult if I take his stuff away that I end up giving in and giving them back for everyone's sake. Example - if I take away his xbox he'll start running in and out of his brother's room shouting things and knocking things over or he'll come downstairs, sit on the sofa and constantly whine about being bored, everything is stupid, everything is gay ... my partner starts getting wound up because ignoring him means it carries on all night (no he does NOT get bored of doing it) but reacting to it descends into world war 3. I've stopped his pocket money so now he just steals money from the change pot or, one rare occasiions, my purse. Hving to hide my purse in my own house? what kind of life is this.
Put the wifi in your room. Stop giving him money. Stop leaving money around for him to find. Start locking stuff away. You've really spoilt him. No wonder he acts like the king. He knows damn well mummy will give him money or buy him this.
He does sound spoilt, 3 x boxes,, in our household a £50 phone and a second hand iPhone is not 'not expensive', one of the £12.99 or £24 phones available on a SIM only v cheap contract is a first phone at this age.
However, it also sounds as if something else is going on if he has been like this all his life. Have you ever asked for any help or support? I would get him checked out for any SEN, or ask about family therapy before sending him elsewhere.
I totally understand where you are coming from and he sounds like the person our son could become I'd left him to his own devices.
You need to get control back. stop replacing broken things. Give him pocket money and deduct expenses for breakages. Take him to the police Station and report him for stealing.
I would put almost electronics into one room each night and lock him out.
Book him into after school care. Take him to look. Tell him of he can't be trusted to behave he will need to be looked after like a baby. Because 13 year old who behave like him obviously need additional help.
and lastly find him something to do that he actually likes doing.
I have told ds many times that I will send him to a military type school of he cannot behave as expected.
I am not putting the blame on you but when did you and his father split up? Does his bad behaviour pre-date this?
I agree with the others that you need to set really really strong boundaries for him but it will be hard, very hard because he isn't used to it and he will rail against it big time. However, he can't go on like this, he'll end up in prison at this rate, and of course nor can you. It must be torture living like this.
I don't want to make excuses for him but is there a possibility he has some sort of SN - he sounds hyper to me and if it has been going on for years then it makes it even more likely there is something fundamentally wrong. It clearly isn't a teenage rebellion.
You need to get a backbone and actually start parenting him.
And I don't like the sound of your partner in your ear telling you how awful your child is - how long has he been on the scene?
He only reacts like that because it breaks you. When he gets like that send him into the back garden (NOT OUT this is punishment and time to calm down not a chance to see his buddies) let him scream and shout all he likes and tell him he can come inside when he learns to behave like a civilised human being.
Make him earn things. Does he do any chores?
He sounds like a horror but really you have to look at yourself. You made him, and he is entirely your responsibility, not to be shirked, giving up on him would be the worst thing for the poor lad.. He must be in turmoil.
As for Practical advice I would suggest you take him to see a doctor about his eating habits and his night wandering. Crisps and biscuits and stealing energy drinks and sweets!!! Are indicative of a nutritional problem.
I don't want to worry you but my little brother was exactly the same and his life did not go well at all. We think now that in this day and age, he might have been diagnosed as having ADHD or something, but we just settled for calling him a little bastard.
My brother's problem was that he did not like himself at all and kept acting out. He had not sense of self worth whatsoever. Crime, drugs, mental health problems the lot and he was - honestly - exactly as you're describing your son. My mum and dad would constantly try to compensate for this by enabling him with money, gifts, clothes, etc, none of which he appreciated. It does not work. You need to get tough on him. Turn his bedroom into a monk's cell with just a bed and a bookcase and don't give in to his shit.
Having read your other thread, you need to kick your 'partner' out. He is the problem, not your son.
He's been seen my an educational psychologist who said he's just spoilt and lacks discipline and manners. He refuses to eat anything other than junk food, macaroni cheese, pot noodles and chinese food is all he'll eat. Always has been like that. If I take the junk food away he simply does not eat or he just makes tons of toast. He's always been thin and pale and I've tried really hard to get him eating proper food, even including him in the cooking etc and he won't touch it.
My eldest son is a millions miles from this. He's 15, earns his own money, bought me a mother's day present, travels to the seaside on train with friends by himself, angel in school, eats anything you put in front of him, has had my old HTC phone (worth £150 when I gave him it) for two years and it has not a scratch on it - so why is it that he is such a nightmare?
I agree with the others.
And a £50 phone for a 13 year old is not cheap! At all. For many 13 year olds that would be a wonderful birthday present.
And 3 x boxes?! Bonkers.
Put the wifi in your room for a start or get a padlock to the room it's in. Give him harsh sanctions. He does sound very spoilt.
Invest in a parenting course would be my suggestion.
You need to put a plan in place and stick to it. My 11 year old up until last year was the same.
As parents we decided to put a stop to it. It was hard work and there were countless tantrums and it was stressful however we are now a happier home.
Stop buying him new items to replace the ones he breaks. Stop allowing him to dictate to you.
I tell my son once and that's it. I ignore the shouting, threats, swearing I just don't engage. It isn't easy but he did eventually learn that he got nowhere with bad behaviour.
We still have the odd behaviour probably once a week, much improved on the everyday 3 times a day we used to deal with.
The parenting classes are a good idea, I also got support via the GP and the young persons team.
I feel sorry for your 'good son' as he's probably trying to compensate for the bad son and can't just feel normal...
I agree he sounds spoilt. He's broken three x boxes because the first time it happened you taught him that it doesn't matter and there will be no negative or natural consequence for him because you will give him another.
You gave him a £50 phone and then when he lost it gave him an iPhone, yet you expect him to treat things with respect. It's not going to happen. Children's first phones should be old Nokia bricks, and when they've learned to be responsible, then they get a decent phone.
Same principle for the biscuits and crisps.
I think this has to get worse before it gets better. You need to make sure there is a negative consequence for every bit of bad behaviour, and stop giving in for an easy life.
I know teenagers are hard work, I'm not particularly enjoying my 13 yo son at the moment, but as long as you actively teach your son that he can do what he wants without it having any negative effect on him, he will continue to behave like this.
You are enabling his behaviour by giving in, he knows if he goes on one for long enough you will eventually cave. You need to stop doing this. It will be hell as he will push and push and push but you need to show him you will not give in. For food serve him what you are having and offer no alternative. He's old enough not to starve.
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