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Feeling so desperate for help with 17 year old DD

(13 Posts)
lost45 Sun 30-Mar-14 18:56:10

My 17 year old is not a nice person. It pains me to say it but she appears to be one of life's 'takers'. She lies to an incredible level. She talks to me like something she trod in. She's at college studying Art but has no ambition. She has NEVER so much as washed up a cup - despite me telling her she has to. She just ignores me. I have taken her mobile off her today and not only am I worried sick in case she gets into an emergency - I know she will do something to punish me - such as not come home tonight. I gave her some money yesterday and asked her if she could get a mothers day gift for my son to give me. She agreed but then didn't bother. He was upset this morning when he had nothing to give me.
I've given her curfews and house rules - she ignores them all. What can I do? I can't lock her in the house?? I've begged her dad for help - he now doesn't even reply to my emails. He left after 20 years of marriage when she was 9 and my DS was 1. He was seeing someone else who has made no secret that she dislikes my children. Her dad says it's not 'suitable' for her to stay with him. He has now had 2 other children and said it's not fair on them.
I suffered from depression after her dad left and was hospitalised for 14 weeks. She knows I'm not emotionally strong, I breakdown easily, and she is taking advantage of this. I got upset and she told me I was pathetic. I lost my head and told her I am ashamed of her selfishness and lack of respect for me. She told me she likes herself and has no respect for someone so pathetic.
She has told some wopping lies at college. Her tutors think she has a terrible home life with a terrible mother. She also told people that her dad lives in Italy!
It's all such a mess I don't know where to turn. It's making me ill again and I have my 9 year old to think about - who is a fantastic loving boy but also very emotionally damaged by the lack of a father figure. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't want to wake up tomorrow - I'm that desperate.

Alibongo33 Sun 30-Mar-14 21:24:00

I am sorry for what you are going through. Now I think your priority is yourself and Ds. Pack her a suitcase, write her a letter explaining how you feel and what she needs to do to come home and drive her to her dad's, knock on his door, say it's your turn and walk away. You can't keep prioritising your dd over your Ds. Time to concentrate on yourself and Ds and let exdh pick up the slack. Xx

DrewsWife Sun 30-Mar-14 21:38:54

Oh dear Lord I could have written this 2 weeks ago!!

My 17 1/2 year old is exactly the same. 2 weeks ago I asked her to leave. It broke my heart but like you I was trod on and treated like mud.

She is safely staying between friends and her dad who I left when she was 18months old.

Since she left which was a masssssssive drama. She has become nicer to me. Texts me and even stayed one night then she cleaned the kitchen. She demanded payment for it. But then left. She called last night asking me to drive her up to her grans 30 miles away but I was on nights so suggested she either get the bus or stayed overnight her and I would run her up after church.

The darling text me to say he was on the bus 20 mins later.

Sometimes you have to stand your ground. It's hard. I sobbed for three days solid. I'm actually finding the house calmer. I feel calmer. I am not worried about hiding my purse or bank card, I am not checking for my stuff going missing.

I don't need to hear the lies about how she is self harming and starving herself. Her refusals to help in the house, get a job or part time job. Missing appointments and meetings.

Stand up for yourself. Like mine. She has tooooo much power xx

lost45 Sun 30-Mar-14 22:24:44

Thank you for the replies. It helps to know I'm not alone with this. I'm sad to say staying at her dads isn't an option. When I went into hospital, he looked after them but he gave me 3 days notice that he was handing them over to social services as it was affecting his relationship with new wife. I had to sign myself out of hospital against medical advice - but for me there was no question. He now lives 180 miles away and has said they can't stay as he 'doesn't have the room' (they have 2 toddlers in a 4 bed house).
I think his rejection has caused some of her problem. She resents that I'm a single parent and although I work, I don't have spare money. To put it bluntly - she hates me.
If I ask her to leave, she will be on the streets and it would add to her 'drama'. She is the most stubborn person I've ever met. I just can't do it.
I left home when I was still at school because of an abusive step father. The thought of my daughter feeling as alone and scared as I was is unbearable.
I have seen a site called 'Teen Home Stays'. It is staying with an english family in Morocco. She would have to volunteer during the day and the lady is a trained counsellor. Life would be simple from having to fetch water from a well and washing at a public baths. It's not cheap but I'm prepared to use my credit card if it makes her appreciate just what she has at home..
Has anyone any experience of anything like this?
It's desperate I know....

DrewsWife Sun 30-Mar-14 22:38:14

Her dad won't take her so she stays between her gran and friends. I was in a care home after my mum died and my genetic material was abusive.

Does she have friends she could stay with. Maybe speak to them about her behaviour. Maybe they could talk to her.

Alibongo33 Mon 31-Mar-14 00:08:46

I don't think she would end up on the streets because you said yourself she will probably stay out tonight as punishment to you for taking her phone, so she could move there. Get the train to your exdh and if he wants to call ss then that's his choice. They will put her in supported housing anyway cos she is over 16. You seem to be taking your duty of care for your Dd to the extreme and prepared to get into debt and she is almost an adult. What about your duty of care to your Ds?

DrewsWife Mon 31-Mar-14 00:58:31

Social services won't think bad of you. She won't be on the streets. She will be safely accommodated and learn to be independent. She will either get a sharp shock and learn to treat you with a smidgen of respect or she won't. But she won't roam the streets.

I was terrified mine would. But she went to job centre, council offered her emergency accommodation and she appears to be clean and warm.

According to her Facebook she is partying and being independent but she is struggling and starting to realise what's happened.

I expect a few more weeks of independence and she will ask to come home x

lost45 Mon 31-Mar-14 14:35:55

Gosh, I really admire all of you for being so brave. She doesn't have many friends as we re-located 2 years ago (she wanted to so wasn't against her wishes). She didn't come home last night. I called her bf at 1.30am and she was there. I know his parents won't want her to stay there.
What is the emergency accommodation? Is it a hostel?? sorry for all the questions, feeling constantly sick to my stomach.. :-(

DrewsWife Mon 31-Mar-14 14:52:13

Don't feel bad. I actually was you a few weeks ago.

She presents herself to the council as homeless they place we in hostel accommodation. Mine freaked out. There are house rules to be followed and you have done so much for her.

Do no waste your money on sending her abroad. They always act well behaved for others as we mums take the hit on foul behaviour.

Give her a sharp shock and stand your ground. Change the wifi password. She can earn time on that. If you don't know how to do it google it.

The house is yours. The wifi is yours. Her phone is yours xx. Your the mum. She either toes the line. Or opts to continue acting like a spoilt arse.

If your DS sees her behaviour as tolerated and acceptable you will have two of them to contend with xx.

Social services are unlikely to intervene given the age of DD. They did nothing to help mine so don't worry xx

lost45 Sun 13-Apr-14 00:14:28

OK, so I have now discovered the reason behind her behaviour.. she is pregnant. 10 weeks. I have stayed calm and given her support. I;ve told her I will stand by her. Her dad knows. We told him about a week ago and haven't heard from him since.
he told me the day after her grandad died. To be dealing with this news at the same time as a bereavement is too much for words. I feel like I am floating and very detatched. I can't see clearly.
She goes from being certain she doesn't want to continue with the pregnancy and talking about uni and travelling to an emotional wreck saying she wants to continue.
I don't know what to do other than listen and cuddle her.
If I felt lost before... I know feel lost, broken and alone.
We barely have enough money to live on as it is. We live in a tiny rented house. I can't afford to support her.
Her bf is 19 and still on the scene but he doesn't want her to continue and has no plans to tell his parents. It won't be long before he is gone. I've always thought him very immature, now he is proving it.
Don't know what else to say..... :-(

flow4 Sun 13-Apr-14 09:00:29

Oh lost, I am so sorry. This is going to be a difficult time for you, and you need to try to be strong and practical, even though you feel 'broken'. I really feel for you and your DD. You must both be feeling scared and overwhelmed.

If she is 10 weeks gone, she needs to get some pregnancy counseling urgently. Whether she continues with the pregnancy or has an abortion, she needs to talk through her options and work out what she feels and what she wants, in time to make a decision. Help her make an appointment as soon as possible. You can find your nearest Brook Advisory Centre here.

Other things will follow on from that. Whatever she decides, there will be practical arrangements to make and she'll need your help. She'll also need your emotional support, but it sounds like she's got that already. smile

The next priority, I'd say, is to get yourself some emotional support. Dealing with teens can be difficult enough, even if you don't hit a crisis like this, and even if you haven't got existing mental health problems. You're in an extra-difficult situation, and you need some extra support. Can you go to your GP and ask to be referred for counseling? Explain the situation - it may help you get support more quickly. Or give Family Lives a ring on 0808 800 2222. They offer free phone support, or you can chat online. I found them very helpful when I hit crisis point with my own DS.

Good luck. smile And keep coming back here for a bit of advice and support, too!

lost45 Wed 23-Apr-14 18:48:13

Just to update you all. My daughter terminated the pregnancy last Thursday. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I feel guilty that I feel relief but also sadness that it has ended this way. I wanted to shout out not to go through with it but I had to support her decision. I am not against termination as a whole as each persons situation is their own and nobody's to judge.. but as a mother, I feel my decision would have been a different one.
She seems like a weight has lifted from her and has been very loving since. I'm sure normal service will be resumed soon and she'll be snapping and barking as always.
For the moment though - I am reeling with a sense of loss that my DD thankfully does not feel.
Still not heard from her dad - he has no idea of her decision one way or another - no support at all.
Thank you everyone who has posted and supported me at a time I have been very alone

WetAugust Fri 25-Apr-14 00:01:09

thanks Hope things improve for you soon.

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