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My soon-to-be twenty year old daughter has cut me out of her life, and I feel I can't go on...

(15 Posts)
dollyholly123 Fri 28-Mar-14 10:06:21

Sorry, this is quite a long winded post, but i'll try and be as concise as I can...
My much loved daughter , now nearly 20, went off the rails big time aged 14, underage sex with multiple partners/grown men, drinking etc, it was such a difficult time, but we got her back on the straight and narrow and she turned her life around for the better. Aged 16 she met a lad who turned our lives upside down and ripped the heart out of our lovely family...
We knew he was a bad un from the start, but she told us she was going to see him despite our reservations, so we figured rather than risk her sneaking about behind our backs with him and getting herself into danger, it would be better for us to try and be accepting of the relationship, and gave him a chance..
We welcomed him into our home and from the outset, he was a nightmare. First time he came to the house for tea, he appeared to be high,or drunk, but when we tackled her about it, she said he was just nervous.He was jealous and incredibly possessive , and the whole relationship was so unhealthy and toxic. When she was staying over at a friends, he would turn up our the door shouting and crying at 2 o clock in the morning, saying he needed to know where she was, it was all very unnerving...
The relationship went from bad to worse, and she finished with him , but he would turn up outside her school with a knife and started cutting his wrists in front of her and a bunch of other kids, saying he would stab himself if she didnt go back with him. The police were called and he was taken away and assessed at a mental health unit, only to be released an hour or so later...
She got back with him days later and told us shed move out if we didnt accept the situation, and despite us pleading with her, she refused to listen, it was terrifying...We did everything we could to make her see sense, but she refused to listen.
Weeks later, she finished with him again, and whilst in town with a friend , he bumped into her. He was very drunk, and tried to hit her, but her friend shielded her, he punched the friend in the face, and she fell and broke her cheekbone on the kerb.He was arrested, charged with ABH, and my daughter agreed to be a witness at the trial...
We tried all we could to make our daughter see what the entire world could see, that he was rotten to the core, and a real danger to women, but she pined for him and used to cry herself to sleep over him every night. We told her she needed protecting from him, and whilst we didnt want to wrap her up in cotton wool, we told her her safety was paramount, and barely let her out of our sight...One day, she was supposed to be going to town with a friend, but she didnt come home. We got a call from a friend saying shed seen him with her, and we were petrified, she didnt come home that night, and we alerted the police and searched all over the city for her, it was an absolute nightmare. She phoned home the following afternoon, and said shed ran away with him, but she wanted to come home. We went to Manchester to pick her up, and she said theyd slept rough in a park , and said that it was over...
A week later, she was walking home from school, and he saw her, chased her and asked why shed agreed to be a witness against him. he threw a bottle at her head , spat in her face and made threats against her. We got a restraining order against him, and he was charged with assault.It was absolutely horrific.
After that, he terrorised us as a family, he threw bricks at the window, pushed human excrement through the letterbox , sent me funeral plans through the post, sent me takeaways/dozens of taxis one after the other,etc, basically whatever he could do to destroy me, it was an absolute nightmare. The police were useless and because he denied everything, nothing was done.
After the two trials, he was found guilty and given a fine and a suspended sentence, and she continued to hanker after him, and we told her it was over, and no matter what, we would never allow her to go near him, even if we had to chaperone her 24/7, we would do everything in our power to keep her away from the evil thug. Finally the penny dropped , and she moved forward, she started college and met somebody else, but she was never the same with her dad and i again, there was so much water under the bridge, and a lot of resentment on both sides, and we used to argue a lot. Her younger brother had been badly affected by all the turmoil, and we still lived in fear that the evil ex would want revenge, and i couldnt sleep and became very depressed and paranoid.
One day after a row, my daughter went to college and didnt come home. We got a text from her and she said shed moved in with my mum. We did everything in our power to try and get her to come home, but she flatly refused. My mum was a rotten mum, she allowed my dad to physically and mentally abuse me when i was a child... One day , when i was just 10 years of age, he threw me at the wall, jumped up and down on my stomach and spat in my face, he told me i was a little ugly freak, and how he was ashamed of me because i was so repulsive, he called me a little whore, and told me the only thing id got to look forward to in life was being pregnant by the time i was 14, because i was such a little whore, it was horrific. She did nothing to stop him. She also let me two brothers abuse me, and i had to share a bedroom with my brother who was 3 years older than me from the age of ten til i was 14, and one day he told me hed got a present for me, and told me to hold out my hand, which i did, and he put his penis in my hand, i was only ten, and absolutely petrified. I told my mum and she told me i was a liar, and i still had to carry on sharing a room with him, i had no privacy and no dignity, it was horrible.
My other brother was 8 years older than me, and used to spy on me in the bath, when i was just aged 13, so i had to wait til he was out before i had a bath. When i told my mum, she told me to stop making a fuss, and my dad didnt care, so i felt completely alone...
My mum was never really there for me, she never loved me and made no secret of the fact she preferred my brothers over me. It was a childhood fraught with misery and episodes of abuse, and being a bit of a loner, i felt isolated and alone.
The fact my daughter has chosen to live with that woman breaks my heart. I gave my daughter everything, my husband and i gave her everything she could have wanted, she was an adored child, but it wasnt enough.
Its been a year now, and my daughter refuses to see me or speak to me, i went to see her at my mums, and my mum called the police on me, and told me not to bother them again. Ive e mailed her, texted her, sent her letters, but to no avail, and i can't bear it, i feel so low you wouldnt believe it. My mother sends me texts gloating, saying my daughter was happy with her, and how theres no place for me in her life. I loathe my mother so much, she never had any regard for me, and from a very early age i knew she never truly wanted me. She should have been held accountable for what happened to me in my childhood, but instead shes like the cat that got the cream. She used to buy booze for my daughter underage, and buy her cigs underage too, and spoiled her rotten.
Any normal mother would recognise its wrong for a young woman to be estranged from her family, and do everything she could to try and make my daughter see sense, but instead she sees it as a pathetic game of point scoring.
Everyday, i wake up and feel so low, no child could have been more loved, and i cant believe shes no longer in my life, i cry for her every single day, and i feel so utterly devastated and cant see a way forward, im so sorry for waffling on, please, please help...

BaileysOnRocks Fri 28-Mar-14 10:32:15

I'm so sorry and saddened by your post. I didn't want to read and run.
All I can say is that there will be a time when your daughter will realise how much she has hurt you and I doubt she will be able to forgive herself for that. Your mum sounds vile and karma will catch up.
You seem to have done all you can. The letters etc give your daughter the power as she knows she can come back whenever she wants to.
Maybe if she thinks she has lost you she might feel differently- so you could stop contact for a while and see how that goes. She may be so full of anger that she can't see through the clouds yet but if you give her time on her own (no contact) it might make her stop and think about you, why have you stopped the letters and then she might start to realise she is in the wrong.
Take care of yourself ��

dollyholly123 Fri 28-Mar-14 14:10:32

Thanks, Baileys, I just feel so empty, we used to be so close, we had the most wonderful relationship, now theres this huge void, and it's too much to bear...I loathe my mother beyond words, and I really get the impression if she wasn't on the scene things may have been different...

OhSoVintage Fri 28-Mar-14 14:15:03

I wanted to post something but I think BaileysOnRocks summed it up so well.
Please stay strong your daughter is still so young Im sure the light will shine through xx

dollyholly123 Fri 28-Mar-14 14:34:48

Thanks Vintage, i'm not so sure, my mother has made her life so easy and comfortable for her , i.e pays for her drink and ciggies, lets her bum around on the dole, and panders to her every whim. If she was living here, she'd have to pull her weight round the house, and I certainly wouldnt be paying for her cigs and booze, and would encourage her to go to college or get a job. Theres nothing here for her anymore, shes told me so, which basically translates as shes got it made at my mothers,it breaks my heart, i dont get a mothers day card/birthday card or anything. I gave her my all and I feel it was all in's heartbreaking

tryingreallytrying Fri 28-Mar-14 19:45:50

Wow, your mother sounds a shocker. Don't know what to say to make you feel better, except that agree that your dd will realise deep down what you've done for her. Leave the way open for her to return so she knows she can, but there is nothing more you can or should do.

You sound like such a great mum and lovely, caring person, who's been dealt a very rough hand in life. Try to find other things beyond your dd to give meaning to your life - if there's any 'reason' why your dd is behaving like this, it might be just be because your own (understandable) low self-esteem and your mum's awful attitude have taught your dd it's ok to disrespect you.

Respect yourself.

Big hugs and thanks

Might it even be worth going to the police about the abuse you suffered as a child? No reason why they should have got way with this in the past, and continue to do so.

Hope you find some happiness and your dd grows up a bit and realises there's more to life than free fags. hmm

Fairylea Fri 28-Mar-14 19:52:52

I have a truly awful relationship with my mum too so I deeply sympathise. I am so sorry about things with your dd.

I think the best you can do right now is maybe to write a letter to your dd letting her know that you still and will always love her and that your door is always open. Continue to send cards at birthdays and Christmas etc. Let her know that whatever has happened she can always come back.

There is a lovely Script song called "If you ever come back", it's about relationships between lovers but it's also very apt for families. Maybe you could send her the link in an email perhaps if you have an email address for her.

She is still very young. She will change and grow and come back to you I am sure.

sleepyhead Fri 28-Mar-14 19:54:36

Being a good mother is a long game. Your dd is at an age where even daughters with good relationships with their parents can go off the rails a bit and push against the boundaries.

She is a very lucky woman to have parents who love her enough to worry about her and place boundaries.

Baileys advice is good. If you can find it in your heart to keep the door open for her I think there's a good chance she'll find her way home one day x

midnightagents Fri 28-Mar-14 19:56:50

Your mum sounds disgusting. Take some comfort in knowing you did the best you could (and continue to do) the best you can for your dd. she still has a lot to learn about the world, she didn't see the horrible things you did growing up so doesn't know how much security and love really matter yet. I hope one day she will grow up and realise, but it might be a long time. Try to concentrate on you and the rest of your family now. You deserve this time after everything you have been through. Just keep the door open (like others have said).

domoarigato Fri 28-Mar-14 20:00:34

Wow. This is so difficult. I couldn't imagine my daughter not speaking to me. First thing I'd do is cut off your mother. She shouldn't be able to text you to gloat and make you feel bad. Change your number. I believe your daughter WILL come back to you. Give her time. You have hope. Stay strong and be there for your daughter with open arms when she returns to you.

MoominIsWaitingToMeetHerMiniMe Fri 28-Mar-14 20:04:01

I couldn't read and run, your post is heartbreaking and I feel for you so much. I can't offer any practical advice but have some virtual tea and sympathy.

quietlysuggests Fri 28-Mar-14 20:07:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Treasa24 Sat 29-Mar-14 00:26:58

Hi dolly

It may be little consolation, but I've seen threads not dissimilar to yours here - you are not alone.

You had a childhood no child, ever, should have. You have come through to become a warm and loving mother. You can and should be very proud of yourself.

What the others have said really - there may very well come a time, and it could be soon, when your DD realizes that's no substitute for loving parents and siblings and comes home or, at the very least, takes tentative steps in re-establishing the relationship. She is so young - and from what you describe, she's certainly not somewhere where someone so young should be living. The allure of the fags will fade.

My own story is not a million miles removed from yours and in a way it ends quite happily. Feel free to pm if you want to know more/to chat.

Take exceptionally good care of yourself.

dunsborough Sat 29-Mar-14 01:03:29

I feel so angry on your behalf.

Are you in contact with your mother? You have every right to be ANGRY. Don't let them beat you. You have overcome so much.

You have a son and a husband who love you. Focus on them, and let the disfunction happen elsewhere. You have a happy, healthy home and that is something to focus on.

I know it hurts. Your daughter has behaved terribly. But do not allow this situation to rob you of your peace.

haveyourselfashandy Mon 31-Mar-14 20:47:21

Hi there dolly,I'm so sorry you are going through this,you sound like an amazing mum.
I feel very strongly that if you took a step back it would make your dd face up to the situation.Send one last letter,text or email explaining that you love her very much but cannot do it anymore.Explain your door will always be open for her.
Your mother sounds like a disgrace too and if you just leave them both to it and don't react she will soon leave you alone .
Start focusing on YOU and getting better and the family you have,I have a sneaky feeling your daughter will be back.

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