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Why does my 16 year old daughter hate me?? :(

(52 Posts)
amberskies Wed 19-Mar-14 23:37:17

There is absolutely NOTHING I can do right in my daughter's eyes, yet my husband is Mr Nice Guy and she totally adores him!

DD has become very opinionated and I only have to make a joke (which any normal person would find funny!) and she gets furious and starts giving me lectures on how what I said is totally wrong! I understand that all teenagers think they know it all, but why is she so negative towards me??? We even had a row over cereal last night!!!! Arrgghhhhh!!!!!!

The nicest text I've had of late is "what's for dinner?" !!!!

Anyone else feel my pain???

Nocomet Wed 19-Mar-14 23:46:37

No my 16y DD is lovely.
Even her, sometimes prickly, younger (13) sister is being pretty reasonable.

beelights Wed 19-Mar-14 23:50:03

Feel your pain, and also the joy when you begin to see moments of the delightful person they are going to morph into when the hormones and exam stress clears. But for now, I am not allowed to:
appear in public with her, cough in public, walk near her, talk loudly (which I apparently do all the time), dress "like a 5 year-old", and apparently my hair looks like a feral cat, etc etc...
But I have just begun to see a chink in the horribleness through to the lovely and astonishing woman she will become. The horribleness is just the confusion and growing pains and the lecturing seems to be a try-out for being her own separate person with her own opinions. We have good days and bad days, but I think 'this too shall pass' just like the teething and tantrums of the old days.

Strength to you and failing that, gin!

Cerisier Thu 20-Mar-14 00:01:18

I feel your pain OP. My DDs are 15 and 18. The 18YO is under huge exam pressure and can be unbelievably grumpy, the 15YO has a new boyfriend and is always glued to her phone. She sighs if I so much as open my mouth to speak.

They are both absolutely lovely underneath the teen hormone and pressures. We do still go for coffees and have long chats over dinner. I think of the good times past and to come and grit my teeth when the stropping starts. As bee says it will pass.

chocoluvva Thu 20-Mar-14 11:17:53

Hopefully you won't have too much longer of this sort of behaviour - they usually begin, I stress 'begin' to come out of this stage. Brain re-organization apparently.

I saw a text on my then 16YO DD's phone to a friend warning him that I was wearing an extremely embarrassing skirt.

When her BF came round we were instructed to not be on our best behaviour, but not to act too normal either....

Once while driving DD to get stuff just for her she declared that I didn't do anything to help her....

Then there used to be the 'You're not going out like that are you?'

chocoluvva Thu 20-Mar-14 11:19:57

sorry - "begin to come out of this stage at about 17"

Sparklingbrook Thu 20-Mar-14 11:22:24

DS1 (14.9) is going through a bit of a Jekyll and Hyde stage at the moment. He has said some horrible stuff to DH, me and his little brother. He rows about everything, seems to have opinions about stuff he has no experience off and is generally hmm

Will his brain be reorganised by the time he takes his GCSEs next year? I only have to mention the 'Revision' word and I have to peel him off the ceiling.

Sparklingbrook Thu 20-Mar-14 11:23:00

17? shock that's too long. sad

Catsmamma Thu 20-Mar-14 11:25:11


a) she is 16 ...gorgeous, knows everything, has the world at the feet
b) you are her mother...old, past it, know nothing, and just gazing into the deep void of the grave.

She'll come out the other side soon enough. And be horrified at herself

Keep communications brief and polite and find "her currency" if you want her to do things.

Chin'll be the menopause soon. hmm

Sparklingbrook Thu 20-Mar-14 11:27:45

it's like having a toddler again sometimes. sad And DS2 (12.2) is taking notes I think. <cries>

LaurieFairyCake Thu 20-Mar-14 11:29:08

It's because she is deeply attached to you and loves you.

You are a safe person to act out against as she is utterly sure of your love.

gamerchick Thu 20-Mar-14 11:31:26

I was watching a program recently with my 14 yr old where a teen was talking to her mother like utter garbage and the mother took it on the chin.

He was wide eyed and open mouthed and said he wouldn't dare speak to me like that. 'you don't treat your mam like that' he said.

I'm surprised at how many people tolerate that type of behaviour hmm

UC Thu 20-Mar-14 11:38:27

Oh dear. DC1 is only 13, but can be really obnoxious, hurtful and totally wrapped up in how he feels at the detriment of everybody else. DP and I are currently the bad guys in his world - because we dare to lay down boundaries such as "you must let us know where you are and who you are with as you are 13, not 18, and we need to know you are safe" - in the context of him not letting us know where he was for 5 HOURS one weekend after he went off in a strop over a pair of trousers that he couldn't find (because there are piles of clothes strewn ALL OVER his floor - so much so that you can't walk in there without treading on them - and he hadn't looked in said piles).

Or because we say he can't go to a party unless he tells us whose party, and where it is - his argument "I don't have to tell you where I am and who I am with". Oh yes, you do.

Today, he told me I am "as useless as a pile of dog poo" - because I asked him to put his skateboard away and he didn't want to. My response is that this is a hurtful thing to say, and if I am that useless, then he best get used to making his own supper, making his own packed lunch, waking himself up in the morning, washing and ironing all his own clothes etc. etc.

As for homework, we only need mention the word, and world war III erupts.

UC Thu 20-Mar-14 11:40:38

gamerchick, I have sat with the same DC1 watching Worlds' Strictest Parents, and he too was shocked by the treatment of the parents by the children. However, he seems unable to make the connection between what he sees on the programme, and his words and behaviours.....

gamerchick Thu 20-Mar-14 11:56:45

I do sometimes think I was lucky with this one.. he's such an awesome kid. He has his moments but everybody loves being in his company.

Maybe he'll change when his 16. I hope not grin

Eli96 Thu 20-Mar-14 19:49:32

I feel your pain. I am going through similar with my 14 year old. My daughter hates me and has taken to ringing up her father so that he can undermine me further and support her disrespectful beahviour. Then she takes off to his. I'm hoping it is just a phase that will pass...

UC Fri 21-Mar-14 07:06:39

Eli96 this sounds like parental alienation... Horrible.

Delphiniumsblue Fri 21-Mar-14 07:25:00

LaurieFairyCake has it right, she will come through the other side.
I think that girls are harder work at that age and women have expectations of a wonderful mother/daughter relationship, whereas the teenager finds them deeply embarrassing.
Hang on to the fact it is a phase.
(That is different Eli96 and it is a horrible abusive situation by your ex)

Minnieisthedevilmouse Fri 21-Mar-14 10:11:14

Catsmamma best response on any thread I've read today!

mrsjay Fri 21-Mar-14 12:57:34

I have had 2 16 yr olds well one is just a recent I thought i had got away with it nah she has got a bit grumpy th e last few weeks(although she did apologise for yesterday mornings grump dd1 would have rather chewed her arm off than apologise, they dont hate us really it really does work out in the end just smile sweetly and ignore them you are obviously the uncool parent dont sweat it

haddenuff300 Sat 22-Mar-14 19:16:15

I could cope quite well when there was some respite - when it was a mix of good and bad days with my 14 yr old daughter it was somehow bearable. But for the last 4ish months the hatred and viciousness has been relentless. Somehow because there's no let up together with the fact that it's directed ENTIRELY at me (not in any way my husband or her siblings) is just making me feel depressed and I feel like I've switched from being a caring reasonably resilient mum to a kind of stupified rabbit waiting in the headlights for the next blow. These blows are mainly verbal, to be fair, but somehow they don't hurt less. I've been quite ill for the past 3 weeks with a severe chest infection and pleurisy. Despite that, I've done what I can to help her keep her life going but it hasn't been so easy as I've been flat out feeling extremely ill for much of the time. Nevertheless, I've still had to field brickbats such as "God, that's the 6th time today you've mentioned your bloody illness" and "you're such a cow, you can't even be bothered to get up and get something for me" and "I wish you'd just drop dead in a hole". I find myself avoiding her so as not to stir this pit of snakes. It isn't a case of 'walking on eggshells' and the odd nasty tantrum. This is hatred unchained - dare I say it - almost evil. Yes, of course, she used to be a real sweetie and we loved each other. But that child has gone - comprehensively it seems. I've already 'done' 2 male teens and survived but I wasn't prepared for this extreme venom, for waking each day to be told that you are a loathsome shit, that you are hated, that you should be dead. She is SO hard to deal with, SO vile and SO exhausting that I feel trapped and find increasingly that I just want air, want out, want to run away ........ I'm actually a pretty tough person but I don't think I can do this. I'm sorry.

Delphiniumsblue Sat 22-Mar-14 22:58:36

Is your DH no help, haddenuff? Could you not sit down with the three of you and face it full on, ask her why she is doing it etc? Or get DH to have the chat and change things.

Nocomet Sat 22-Mar-14 23:19:42

I don't get any of this?

If my 13 or 16y DDs behaved 100th this badly DH would put the fear of god up them.

They simply wouldn't think of speaking to me or DH like that.

They'd be jolly lucky to still be alive, they certainly wouldn't have any food, washing, computers or transport.

I just don't get how parents somehow stop being parents, is the some manic age 12, 13, 14 when suddenly you let it slip and it goes wrong.

Maybe I'm very lucky, DD1(16) is lovely and DD2(13) never does teenage attitude for long (although she has been practicing on and off since she was 6). In fact at 13 she's far less awkward than at 9.

I feel incredibly sorry for parents who don't enjoy having teens, but the ones I know are all nice.

Auriga Sat 22-Mar-14 23:43:31

Hadenuff, what do your husband and other children say to DD about her behaviour?

RhondaJean Sat 22-Mar-14 23:46:30

She doesn't hate you.

There's quite a lot of research out there about pubescent girls and their relationships with their mothers.

Basically we are the one thing they can rely on so when they try to strike out on their own we ar ethe thing that gets it.

It's a bit shit though isn't it.

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