Okay, I know I'm being horribly PFB but I can't help it.
DS1 has got to the ripe old age of 16 without doing anything particularly teenagery apart from grow hair and spend excessive amounts of time playing LoL online with his school friends.
Tonight he wants to go to a friends party (16th birthday fwiw, they're year 11) and there isn't any good reason for him not to go (and I'm not going to stop him) but I'm irrationally worried.
I trust DS1, I just don't trust anyone else! I don't think he'd do anything stupid, I'm just worried some vague thing will happen and he won't be able to deal with it. It's silly and irrational I know. This letting go thing is hard.
11.00 curfew? We're in South London - lots of buses, but it is his first time doing this so I'm tempted to err on the side of caution this time.
Locking him in his room until he leaves for University is a Bad Thing isn't it?
Give him the talk re peer pressure, alcohol and tell him you will pick him up if he or his friends drink too much. You won't be angry, you will help, so he should call. Curfew sounds late for public transport, will he be with others?
Someone once suggested an innocent code word that he could use that wouldn't lose street cred but would let you know that there was a problem so that you could go fetch them.
I think its an excellent idea as they are unlikely to ring and say "It's all getting out of hand and I'm being pressurised into trying alcohol / drugs / sex, come and get me" but they might actually want to.
I don't have a car atm. I actually think I'd be more relaxed if I had and could go get him if needed. It's not that far - 10 minutes on the bus and a walk. Unfortunately he won't be with others, they don't live near us and the way the bus routes go it's not feasible to travel together, but the bus he gets is frequent and busy up to the early hours so provided he stays on the bottom deck I'm not bothered by that.
My curfew at 16 was 11.30, but I was always with DH (not DH at the time but YKWIM) so never travelled alone. Maybe I'll just get him to leave for home at 10/10.30 rather than get him to hit a specific time.
I always said to mine that they could blame me if they wanted to come home but not lose street cred. i.e. "oh god my mum is off on one and says I have to go now, I will have to go home or the weekend will be miserable" type thing.
I'm sure your DS will have a fantastic time, try not to worry impossible I know
The code word thing is a great idea - will definitely use that. If you've had the chat about alcohol/drugs/sex and you generally trust him then I'm sure it will be fine
So far (touch wood) we haven't had any major problems with parties, but we have told DS1 that if he comes home roaring drunk (as opposed to mildly tipsy) he doesn't get to go the next party that takes place. So far that seems to have worked.
A piece of advice I've borrowed from MN is to tell your teen that if at any time of day or night he/she feels uncomfortable or at risk you will collect them no questions asked.
So if they get stranded the other side of town and have noone to come home with or if the designated driver appears to be drunk or if they find themselves in a situation that's getting out of hand, even if they are somewhere they shouldn't be doing things they shouldn't be doing, my teens know that I will come and get them without blame or repecussion.
They've never taken me up yet on the offer but it makes ^me feel more calm about them being out at night.
I know how scary it is. My ds is 16 and has now been to 4 or 5 teenage parties. Thankfully , so far he's been verry sensible and not drank too much. We had a chat the first time and i told him to be sensible and that if he let me down in any way he would be grounded until he is 18 and i could no longer stop him from going out. From what him and his friends say afterwards the girls always seem to be in a worse state than the boys.
Yep. Said to him about not coming home drunk (he's 6'2" - he can nurse a bottle of beer without it having any effect on him), we've gone over 'no means no' in the past with the added fun that being drunk means you can't give consent, he knows to ring or text if any situations (drugs/fights/whatever) develop that make him uncomfortable or that he knows would make me cross He also knows that he has to text me when he leaves and when he gets on the bus so I know roughly what's going on.
Oh bless - I asked him when he thought he should come home and he asked if he could stay until 8.30... I told him that's fine, but if he wants he can stay until 10
He has had alcohol before - not excessively, just a bottle or 2 of beer at family parties. No spirits.
Cider is evil - I went to my first party at 14, and got very drunk on Woodpecker and then slept it off at a friends house. There may have been a few drunken fumblings too My fears come from a place of experience I'm afraid...