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Coping strategies for 13 yr old DD, best friend problems

(10 Posts)
SerendipityAlways Mon 10-Mar-14 10:56:38

I know this has prob. been covered to death but here goes...13 yr old DD in first year of secondary school. She's become very anxious lately that her best friend may be slowly "moving away" from their friendship.. They've been friends since primary school, and started sec school this yr. Not in the same class but still (up to recently) the best of friends and still share a lot of interests together. BF is v sporty and is on every school team, is making lots of new friends with the "cool girls", posting messages on instagram of the new buddies etc etc, and now as per DD is not replying to her texts etc - basically DD is feeling v left out and is becoming anxious that she will lose her as a BF. I've told DD to stay calm and cool and that she has to "let go" to a certain degree, that its good to make new friends and that she should not be over clingy, try and do her own thing etc, make her own new friends etc.
DD seems to be a v popular girl in her own right (as per mums ) and has no prob. in making and keeping friendships, its just this particular one she really wants to keep..it nearly broke my heart last night when she said to me what does she need to change to keep her BF.. Nothing I said!! I've told her that she should value her self worth more, and that she does not need to change herself for anyone. I know with the nature of girls that this whole thing could be resolved this week, and that it may be but a blip and that we may just have to ride this one out! DD has had anxiety issues in the past and knows she's a worrier. Any advice or coping strategies you could suggest would be really helpful.

Theas18 Mon 10-Mar-14 11:18:27

Aww poor dd.

She needs her self confidence building away from the queen bee wanna be doesn't she? What interests does she have that she doesn't share with the bf? Worth really working on those.

SerendipityAlways Mon 10-Mar-14 12:23:30

Thanks Theas18 - yes DD has some other interests away from the BF and I am trying to encourage her to develop those friendships more and suggested inviting over a couple of other friends at the wk end - I just feel for her so much as I can remember those awful teen years myself, going into school in the morning, not knowing which way the wind would be blowing..sad

adeucalione Mon 10-Mar-14 13:14:19

I teach and can tell you that a lot of friendship rejigging goes on in Y7, as some scramble to climb the social ladder and others gravitate towards like minded peers.

I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing as there is a bigger friendship pool to choose from, and they are growing as individuals, but it can be hard on those DC who are more resistant to change.

I think the only advice you can give is what you've already given - act like you don't care, don't be too needy and cultivate other friendships. If this girl has decided to move on, then there is absolutely nothing that your poor DD can do about it.

If it persists you could mention it to school, who will have some strategies up their sleeve - making sure she is sitting next to a nice group of girls in lessons and hoping that friendships develop, for example.

chocoluvva Mon 10-Mar-14 13:25:05

Aww. I feel for your DD.

At that stage I told my DD that people are changing and friendships can come and go for a while but they usually settle when they're all a bit older.

Instagram etc is such a mixed blessing. hmm

SerendipityAlways Tue 11-Mar-14 10:33:18

Thanks Chocoluvva and Adeucealione for your constructive and thoughtful answers....taking it day by day. Trying hard to encourage her to cultivate new friendships and appreciate herself more

chocoluvva Tue 11-Mar-14 10:58:54

Her time will come. It's just so hard in the meantime....

Is your DD in any clubs? Schools sometimes offer things that haven't been available to children of your daughter's age until now. Fundraising for charity groups, chess, committees for organising school events etc.

SerendipityAlways Tue 11-Mar-14 12:34:18

choc She's a real joiner and will try her hand at most things...tho while I think of it many of her activities (sporting, musical etc.) are linked with those of Queen Bee...hmm She's maxed out on activities at present and has been told not to take on anything else! I know from reading a similar-ish thread on here at the mo that this isn't a major issue for my DD as friends have not been deliberately hurtful or nasty to her, but its still so upsetting as a parent to be sitting on the sidelines observing a possible break up of a friendship....

MyFirstName Tue 11-Mar-14 13:04:19

This may help your DD. It explains how friendships can just move on - and that you are worth more than hanging on to a friendship that has changed. A bit American in style but very accessible. I got it to help me help my DD with friendship problems (DD is 8) and she actually now just dips into it every so often (which can also be a good conversation starter/flag that there may be stuff going on at school)

www.amazon.co.uk/Smart-Girls-Guide-Friendship-Troubles/dp/1584857110

FernieB Tue 11-Mar-14 13:12:55

Year 7 is when a lot of primary school friendships fade away. Your DD's BF is obviously finding other girls she has things in common with - this is normal. Your DD also has other friends. Invite them round, have sleepovers etc. it's a time of 'trying out' new friendships. Sometimes they go back to the friends they had before and sometimes they move on completely. My DDs went through several different friendship groups in year 7/8 and have only settled since end year 8.

It's all normal and although can be upsetting it will all turn out okay. Your DD shouldn't try to cling on to her BF though as that could drive her further away.

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