Talk

Advanced search

demanding friend

(11 Posts)
chocoluvva Sun 09-Mar-14 20:24:48

17YO DD's oldest close friend, I'll call her 'EV'(at a different school from DD) has MH issues which she revealed only to DD recently. DD encouraged her to make an appointment with her GP, to tell her mum - which she has subsequently done - and went with her to the appointment.

EV sometimes calls her late at night in tears or upset - not usually a problem for DD according to her, but since they turned 17 a few months ago and began to drink at parties (usually held by DD's friends from school who she has got to know) she has got into the habit of always drinking too much and ending up crying and being sick. DD and the others claim they now tell her not to drink - as apart from EV having to go home early and "making a fool of herself" it falls to DD usually to sort her out.

DD lost patience with her at the weekend. EV had gone out with a mutual friend, got drunk and started to cry. DD was at a party hosted by a friend of her boyfriend and was annoyed because EV was texting another mutual friend at the party asking him to come and 'help her'/ask DD to come and help her etc. She also texted saying she was on her way to the party, alarming the mutual friend at the party who was worried that the host would be angry with him for 'letting' drunken EV and friend come to his party.

EV and friends from her school are going on a school-leavers holiday in June - think sun, sea, sex and booze-type holiday. (DD isn't going). EV has worried and annoyed DD by telling her she's looking forward to getting drunk there and won't take DD's advice to not go on the holiday.

I told DD that it's not for her to be trying to tell EV what she should/n't do - whatever demon it is that drives her to drink too much and become depressed won't take good advice. Next time they go out DD should tell her friend that she's not willing to pick up the pieces at the expense of her own enjoyment. I've advised her that she's not responsible for EV but that's probably easier said than done.....

For a while I thought a bit of DD was 'enjoying' a bit of drama and flattered at being EV's main confidante. I'm proud of her for being a caring friend, but I can see why she's cross and exasperated. It's hard to know what to say to her (not that she often solicits my advice anyway).

DD has never been one for falling out with friends as far as I know. She told me that she thinks she's a good listener - that her peers confide in her. She has a good social life despite being shy and not very confident...

Does anyone have any thoughts?

AgentProvocateur Sun 09-Mar-14 20:35:41

No, but I have the identical problem with DS and a friend - both in 1st year at uni. I know he's an adult, but it's very hard for me to see him being dragged down. Sympathies.

chocoluvva Sun 09-Mar-14 21:48:01

Oh no.

When they're little it doesn't really matter but when there's a diagnosis of MH problems it's much harder to know what to do.

Does your DS attract 'needy' types? - for want of a better word? DD's other 'best' friend is also pretty demanding. She's a lovely girl, but would try the patience of a saint! DD's friends have asked her how she can stand it - she's clingy and phones DD for advice about unbelievably trivial things like which flavour of pringles she should buy take to a friend's house! Not that I'm unaware of DD's faults! And I encourage her to be sympathetic, but I sometimes wonder if she relies for her self-esteem on feeling needed (or something).

mrsjay Mon 10-Mar-14 11:11:53

dd (16) has a friend with weight angst the girl is always texting her i am too fat and ugly for people to like me, etc etc dd is being a friend but I can see her patience running out with her whatever they say to friends they wont listen I do think they like being that friend though they are all young and like to feel important and your dd sounds lovely and caring, I dont think there is anything you can say to help or advise her just let her rant when she wants too, least she isnt going on the holiday and they will leave school soon

chocoluvva Mon 10-Mar-14 13:07:53

Thank you mrsjay. I think you have it spot on.

I just wasn't expecting this at 17! I've always discouraged talk of falling out and told DD not to be hard on her peers when they were younger as it's normal to go through a phase of being daft - most adults look back at themselves as teenagers with horror, blah blah, but when alcohol and MH problems are in the mix there's EV's safety to consider.

like to feel important so true. Also, I wish DD would just get on with her own things - I think she distracts herself from the fear of starting the next chapter of her life with 'people' stuff.

It's knowing where to draw a line I suppose. And DD learning that you can't tell people, even your friends what to do (DD herself never takes advice)!

mrsjay Mon 10-Mar-14 17:15:43

It must be a worry though if the girl is drinking and has problems dd1 had a friend who self harmed poor girl was a mess it was such a shame and it is so hard for their friends to try and cope and help them.

givemeaclue Mon 10-Mar-14 17:19:57

It is good that your dd is not going on the holiday. The friend sounds exhausting, your dd is a child and can be of limited help. Could you speak to school or the girls mum?

bulby Mon 10-Mar-14 18:03:32

As the girl is under 18 I wonder if it is worth speaking to her parents, for your daughter's sake as much as hers. Her parents may be unaware of the extent of her issues and might be able to put extra support in place.

chocoluvva Mon 10-Mar-14 20:24:01

It wasn't nice knowing something about another mum's child, but DD had told me in confidence and I knew she had made an appointment with her GP. I advised DD to get EV to tell her mum and the GP advised her to tell her mum too. She subsequently did, fortunately.

I've known her mum for a long time, but not well.

Last week EV got an unconditional offer for her first choice of course at a local college, so she has a plan now which is a relief.

chocoluvva Mon 10-Mar-14 20:31:25

It wasn't nice knowing something about another mum's child, but DD had told me in confidence and I knew she had made an appointment with her GP. I advised DD to get EV to tell her mum and the GP advised her to tell her mum too. She subsequently did, fortunately.

I've known her mum for a long time, but not well.

Last week EV got an unconditional offer for her first choice of course at a local college, so she has a plan now which is a relief.

mrsjay Mon 10-Mar-14 22:12:18

Last week EV got an unconditional offer for her first choice of course at a local college, so she has a plan now which is a relief.

maybe she will settle down

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now