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Mean girls

(19 Posts)
Charlie2000 Wed 05-Mar-14 08:25:46

My dd is in yr8 and told me last night that her friends had excluded her from dressing up as 'Mean Girls' for World Book Day. There is a group of five of them and the other four have agreed what to go as without telling my dd.I now have the image of her dressed in her uniform whilst they are all in fancy dress, feeling left out and sad. To make matters worse these girls are coming to our house on Saturday night for a sleepover(!) I really do not feel like having them in my house but dd is adament that she wants them to still come. My dh is disgusted by their behaviour and is v unhappy that they are still coming. Dd also said that they had met in the school hall to talk about her (she found out because one of them felt guilty and told her about it). Apparently things like this have been happening during yr8. She does not want me to say anything as she is with these girls in every lesson and does not want them to all break friends with her. I don't know what to do ( probably nothing!) but I just had to get it off my chest as dh won't talk about it as it gets him so mad.

Theresadogonyourballs Wed 05-Mar-14 12:29:04

I'm sorry, but I wouldn't have them in my house, and I would explain to DD exactly why not. At the moment they are bullying her, she is their doormat. Girls this age can be the most appalling little bitches - the only way to stop this behaviour is to call them on it. I understand how your DD feels, but you will be doing her a favour. I would probably go so far as to text their parents and explain exactly why the invitation has been withdrawn, but I'm a mardy cow smile. Good luck, and I really feel for her, I spent all of my teenage years in a 'gang' like this - you're in, you're out, everyone's laughing at you and you don't know why, everyone's your best mate again. It's bloody horrible.

monikar Wed 05-Mar-14 12:56:24

Charlie I have a 17yo DD and I have to agree with the previous poster - they are vile around year 8. I also agree with standing up to them - bullies are weak and rely on the fact that no-one will do anything about it.

I too would cancel the sleepover - otherwise you are playing gracious hostess while they snipe at your DD, but in front of you they will be on their best behaviour, so you start to think 'but they seem so nice' - don't be fooled. I too would ring the parents and explain why I felt it necessary to cancel. You may get a neutral response along the lines of 'ok, I'll have a word with my DD and have a chat' but deep down no-one wants to hear that their child has been ganging up on another. If I was told my DD was part of this sort of behaviour I would be furious with her and there would be consequences.

I would also keep a watchful eye on any future occurrences from these girls and if necessary contact the head of year. They are used to dealing with such behaviour and your concerns will be taken seriously.

Good luck - it is horrible when these things happen.

Charlie2000 Wed 05-Mar-14 21:10:22

Thank you for your replies - I find it all exhausting!!

Chottie Thu 06-Mar-14 18:29:31

Charlie - your poor DD, I can feel your pain through your post. I hope you get this sorted out.

WorriesRus Thu 06-Mar-14 20:19:24

God girls can be such bitches can't they? I remember being that age and my daughter tells me about how some of her "friends" are with her at times. It's such a minefield for girls.

WorriesRus Thu 06-Mar-14 20:25:23

I would probably still have the girls over for the sleepover; I wouldn't like it but I can understand your DD and also I would want to get the measure of them. Just keep on supporting your daughter, it sounds like she is happy to confide in you (she may not in future if you cancel the sleepover).

Good luck x

WestmorlandSausage Thu 06-Mar-14 20:26:53

girls can be awful and hideous to each other at that age sad

I think it is a huge problem that needs addressing socially, its always been around but it is getting worse because of social networking and texting/ snapchat etc. The target can no longer escape to the security of home.

bakerbun Fri 07-Mar-14 10:04:29

I would hate to be a teenage girls nowdays - they seem to be ten times more bitchy and hateful than the girls I went to school with! My DDs have had endless dramas with so called 'friends', leaving people out, making up false rumours and just generally stabbing each other in the back. With both DDs friendship groups it seems to be two or three ringleaders in the group who are very powerful, and then a lot of hangers on trying to gain popularity by getting in with the 'Mean Girls' even though they know what they are doing is wrong. Started in year 8 and still going strong in year 11 although to a lesser extent. When they get older jealousy comes into play around boys too making things even worse!! It is a difficult one because if you cancel the sleepover you could end up making things worse for your dd. I would not trust myself though as I know I would say something to the other girls while they were at my house!

Charlie2000 Fri 07-Mar-14 11:19:29

Dd is adamant that she wants them to come so I have agreed just because I don't want her to be excluded even more as they are all going on a school trip for 8 days together ( dreading this now). I am goin to find it very hard to be the gracious hostess though. I feel like making comments about bullying by excluding people and talking about them but I guess this will not help!! Thank you for all your posts - it's nice to have someone to discuss it with.

MurielHeslopp Fri 07-Mar-14 18:41:11

If the friend who felt guilty is being genuine then maybe underneath all the peer pressure she's a true friend.
Maybe try to steer your DD to keeping friendly with her after the sleepover but slowly moving away from the rest. Although this may be very hard if they're a real tight knit group. Are there any hobbies your DD could join in at school that might lead to new friendships?
But yes, I think I would reluctantly go ahead with the sleepover for your DDs sake. Girls this age being as fickle as they are, it may re-ignite the fun side of their friendship with your DD and the nastiness may get forgotten about. <hopeful>
Such a horrible phase, Year 8/9 girls.

EdBird Sat 08-Mar-14 02:10:13

At least you know - for better or worse. I would rather know. Coffee with an acquaintance the other day - later I told DD how happy this womans daughter was at school with her friendship group but apparently she cries every break due to friends being horrid to her. It is hard and painful and much worse than when I was at school I think. I would rather my daughter cry on me
My policy has been to be nice in general and smile but I am willing to lie through my teeth if I dont want anyone in particlar in my house and DDs know this
Also, configurations change in these groups - who is allowed out at night, who has a boyfriend, who is 'hot' atm, people they mix with at sport stuff etc etc
This makes me so sad that these girls going thru this thru no fault of their own. You are not on your own by any means. It will get better eventually x

mrsjay Sat 08-Mar-14 10:18:57

there girls are not her friends ATM they are picking on her for their own amusement it isn't rare for groups of girls to behave like this sadly I am not sure what age year 8 is I am guessing 13/14 this is when the behaviour starts ime , I am not sure if you should let them stay over what does your dd want to do, she will see them as her friends and won't want to lose them it might blow over in the mean time just see how it goes encourage other friendships too

Yegodsandlittlefishesargh Sat 08-Mar-14 10:23:45

Cancel sleepover - sudden gastroenteritis?....

Talk in confidence to school.

mrsjay Sat 08-Mar-14 10:25:49

oh she wants them to stay please be careful your dd isn't clinging to them IYSWIm

crow123 Wed 12-Mar-14 13:23:20

So how did the sleepover go? I'm in a similar-ish situation with my daughter and interested to hear how its going for you x

Charlie2000 Wed 12-Mar-14 16:21:12

Well dd had gr8 time and I managed to grin and bear it! The good thing is that dd had invited a new friend as well and they got on really well - so much so she's coming for tea tonight! I'm going to try to gently encourage this and try to steer dd away from other so-called 'friends' ! If you are in a similar situation crow I feel for you - it is so hard to see your child unhappy.

crow123 Wed 12-Mar-14 19:30:11

That's great news, it's sounding positive with the new friend so fingers crossed things will keep improving. As you said, there is no worse feeling than your child being unhappy, it was so easy when they were younger to 'fix' their problems.

mrsjay Wed 12-Mar-14 19:41:11

thats great new friends are always a good thing and at that age they can change direction with friends quickly ,

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