teenage boy making me feel very depressed/I need help but dont know where to go.

[smileyforest]

Thats it....just at the end of my tether now...he smokes weed.....mostly at w/e...stuggles to get out of bed in the mornings to get to college/can be quite verbally aggressive/ has a gf....I'm working full time plus....he is 17.5 and I've said he must get a p/t job (lone parent) but he does not even try...if i confront him about things..he can 'kick off' and has broken items...He does not have good relationship with his Dad and his Dad quite frankly is enjoying his peaceful life with new wife ...he offers no financial support either.....
I don't know where to turn....I have no friends to talk to anymore as none in same position......
I have a lodger to help make ends meet....so of course I don't want any...big rows in the house as it will cause concern...
How do I cope with this....?
I feel like telling him to go and live with is Dad but he has no space...and he wouldn't anyway...Im 53 and don't know how much more I can take....(: Just 'help' really......

[Bonsoir]

Oh you poor thing. It sounds dreadful for you.

Do you have any family/friends (your brother or sister or a cousin would be good) who can get through to your DS that he has to (a) take responsibility for his life (b) be supportive of you?

[Claybury]

What is his plan for the next few years ? He is at the age where he should be thinking about his future independence. He needs to know you can't support him indefinitely, and it doesn't sound like you want him living with you much longer while his behaviour is like this. Do you discuss the future with him ? When my DS was not behaving well at home at age 15 we explained to him that we would not be supporting him living at home forever, especially while he is determined to use drugs.

[smileyforest]

Ive written a letter to him as he has had so many chances...Yes I do discuss the future with him and at times he can be positive...college is not really stretching him mentally...he is doing Health and Social Care....I was hoping he could pick up part time work in the caring field. But Ive decided...to really tell him his options...and if he kicks off and gets aggressive I will involve the police....I cannot put up with this much longer...its hard enough running a home/mortgage etc etc....My marriage was verbally/mentally/emotionally abusive and I do feel some traits have passed on....
feel very, very sad and he is my son and love him....but very depressed with the situation...
I have so brothers/sisters interested...brothers only and they have their lives...they don't bother with me......My older children (adults) are great....but don't want too much pressure on them
If he had a job to fill his time it would be something.....
thks for replies x

[mindosa]

I feel for you. My brother was not dis similar and my family situation was quite similar.
I think you have to lean on your older children and you have to be prepared that for a period of several years your son may not view your actions well but in time will hopefully realise that you were/are acting in his best interests.

I would tackle behaviour first.
What worked for my Mum was;
After a period of ups and downs, zero tolerance of aggressive, violent behaviour. I stepped in and spoke to him but it flared up again and Mum packed a bag and told him he need to stay with our Dad/a friend until he was prepared to behave. Your husband wont leave your son homeless and maybe this is the jolt he needs.
Stop washing, ironing, buying specific food for him etc. If he revolts tell him that at 18 he should be managing all this for himself and you don't have the time and the energy to do so

Re weed, where is he getting the money from if he has no job

Re the job, he will probably motivate himself to work when you stop all allowances (that includes your husband)

My heart goes out to you. It is incredibly hard to me a single mother of a son when the marriage was abusive. It took a lot out of my Mum but if its any consolation she and my brother have a super relationship now and he appreciates all she did for him

[smileyforest]

Thks for support...it helps..:)
He read the letter...but unsure if he took it seriously. I have also made it clear that if i find further evidence of weed...I will involve the police...he gets no allowance from his Dad...I will ask him to leave if behaviour does not improve....I will send him to his Dads...Its making everything miserable....i only feel happy at work as there, my mind is too occupied to think of the bad things going on at home....its shocking as he was such a sweet kind boy...just completely lost in this hormonal stage....

[mindosa]

Where is he getting money for weed?

[summer68]

Oh smiley, I really feel for you. Your ds sounds like mine and so I know how hard it is. I battle to stay positive. I have confided in a few work colleges ( I'm normally very private about my home life) but the response was overwhelming and they have been so supportive. I was afraid that my son was going to turn out like my dad, but a friend said these wise words " he is his own person and is not your dad" I know you were concerned your son may have some nasty traits from his dad... bare those words in mind. Your son has been bought up differently to his dad. I think it's more a teen thing.
This is a great place to get support- you are not on your own- I understand x

[flow4]

I'm sorry things are so bad for you Smiley. You can always come here and talk if you can't talk to real life friends - that was a lifeline for me 2-3 years ago when I was having serious problems with my DS1. You could do a search for some of the threads I started then, to see some similarities and the advice people have me then.

[flow4]

I'm sorry things are so bad for you Smiley. You can always come here and talk if you can't talk to real life friends - that was a lifeline for me 2-3 years ago when I was having serious problems with my DS1. You could do a search for some of the threads I started then, to see some similarities and the advice people gave me then.

[Renniehorta]

I am sorry you are having such a bad time with your son. I have been there and come through the other side. My son had a very miserable time from about 14 to , weed was involved, and I was always at my witsend.

I think that what made the difference for him was getting out of his environment. At 17 he walked out of college, worked for 6 months in a fastfood joint and saved the fare to fly to the US. He had met a girl online and I let him go, admittedly I was terrified about it all at the time.

He returned a changed character; polite, considerate, with much wider horizons and above all with some ambition. He returned to his studies and this time he worked really hard and succeeded.

There is hope. Maybe your son is just depressed and in a rut. Is there a way of getting him a change of scene or environment?

[smileyforest]

Thks all for replies....Im just trying to encourage him to find a job but he now tells me he suffers with social anxiety...if this is causing problems then I understand he needs help...I feel he hides behind his gf...yes i would like him to have a change of environment....just think a spell of being with his Dad might help but there is no room.....I'm having to be really tough with him....I think I've been too soft as well....being a single parent has been very tough...and Ive made too many allowances in view of a marriage that wasn't good.......its hard to stand back..but I have to....I really hope things will change x