Somebody has given my 17 year old son half a 'Chelsea smile'(7 Posts)
He has lived away from my home since he was 14 (hugely against my wishes) with my very dysfunctional mother. I have been nc with her for over three years, whilst trying to maintain some semblance of a relationship with dc1(I have younger dcs who do not see her)
My mother has developed a disability in these years, some kind of rheumatic arthritis which affects her mobility. She doesn't believe in medicine so won't take anything for it except strong painkillers.
Without wanting to offend, she is also bat-shit crazy. She has extremely bizarre and dangerous opinions on most subjects, including food, medicines, authority figures, the general public, strangers - actually people in general, going outside, spending money on food/clothing/household items. She lives in a permanent fury, and spends most of her days inside smoking roll-ups or marijuana in the form of skunk.
She also houses my brother, who at 34 is a functional alcoholic/recreational drug abuser. Drugs are used openly in front of my son. He is currently sharing a bedroom with my brother who is partly living with his new girlfriend (he is a serial womaniser)
She has a housing association flat, but had left my son and brother there and had moved into her sisters (across the city) to convalesce during a bout of severely bad health.
They partied/abused drugs and alcohol during this time. The flat is permanently in a squalid condition, with filth/clothing/power tools (brothers work tools) on the front room floor. It smells strongly of cat urine, and every surface is dirty.
Her housing assoc became suspicious and she has moved back into the flat in the last couple of weeks, thus curtailing the open house policy, except for weekends, when she had stayed with her sister and business has resumed as usual.
On Tuesday morning at 4.30am the police called to ask if I could come to the hospital and look after ds. He'd been found rambling and incoherent with a facial injury.
When I arrived, the police told me he'd been assaulted but wasn't able to tell them who or how it had happened. His shoe was missing and he'd been cut form the corner of his mouth two inches into his cheek. He was also suffering a drug induced/sleep deprived psychotic episode. He was utterly convinced he'd happened upon a federal court session in the middle of a thornbush he'd jumped into, to escape the '600 people chasing him'
I stayed with him while he was treated for his facial wound, and my partner and I took him home. He didn't want to stay, and against my wishes went back to the flat, which is indescribably filthy.
He's slept and sobered up, and is aware he 'overdid things' but is minimising things. My mother is not helping the situation, raging at him using paracetamol, not wanting the police to follow up on the assault, and not in a position to provide basic care - clean bedding/food/medicine or any kind of wider guidance.
I've been going round several times a day. My relationship with ds is stronger than it's been in a long time, and I have said I will help him to leave the flat and live somewhere else - perhaps supported accommodation. I've started the ball rolling with the councils young persons advisor who is coming to visit him at home with a social worker.
My son wants to leave the flat and live independently but doesn't believe it could happen as that would be 'too good to be true'
As long as my brother has access to him, it's impossible to give him anything that isn't taken from him and used/borrowed/wrecked and my mother has him moving heavy furniture and tidying up the mess that has been made by my brother and him - his wound is still bleeding a little.
I'm kinda just spouting now. I think I'm in shock.
Sorry to hear you and your ds are going through this OP. it must be quite scary.
You appear to have dealt with things in the best possible way. I'm not sure what I would do in your shoes.
I know this probably seems dumb, but can he not just come home with you?!
I can't imagine how SS think this is an appropriate place for your ds to live...have you reported your mother and brother as unfit carers?
Get him out of there ASAP sounds very dangerous and wrong
It would be great if he would just come home, but he doesn't want to, and I can't force him. Ours is a non-smoking 'normal' household, with my 9 year old dts, and that is too challenging for him to contemplate right now. He also admits that he 'wouldn't bring his friends here' out of respect to us He thinks that a 'party' lifestyle - read chaotic and inappropriate - is the norm.
Life with my mother and brother is emotionally abusive, and very slickly done. It took me years to escape mentally from the clutches of my family - they are almost cult-like in their modus operandi. It's very difficult to succinctly explain. They supply him with drugs and money, which is exceedingly difficult to prove - although I have direct experience of this and have in the past taken great pains to involve the relevant services to no avail. They also switch from giving to extreme fury and rage in the blink of an eye. He has no understanding or expectation of any different. He remains loyal in part to them, whilst struggling to just exist/have possessions that aren't taken/damaged
It's been head bangingly frustrating for the past three years.
Today his stitches came out. He went clubbing last night..... I dropped in again this morning, and he was worried about the wound, which looked awful and oozy, and had not been able to be dealt with adequately at the time as he was in the throes of a psychotic episode. We decided to go back to the hospital. As we left the flat, my mother accused me of throwing her to the floor, and to 'fuck off out of her house and not come back' She called me a monster and told my son she had defended me in the past but no more.
We went to the hospital, and he's had fifteen stitches put into the inside and outside of his mouth. It's an enormous injury, but has been dealt with fantastically by the maxillo facial surgeon. My son was extremely grateful and is definitely bothered about how it heals, but doesn't seem mature enough to keep the momentum up when back at the flat in the dysfunctional atmosphere.
As we left the hospital my brother rang me and was extremely irate, threatening and abusive. I didn't engage, and have since blocked his phone from calling mine. I said to my son that I wouldn't come to the flat if it was going to cause him difficulty. He is stuck between a rock and a hard place here, and I refuse to make it worse for him if possible. I already know he will get huge grief for 'wanting to associate with me'
I have been in detailed conversation with the young persons support worker, who has been very positive about the chances of him being given somewhere to live and has found a social worker and will come out and do a holistic assessment of his needs - hopefully on Tuesday. I was going to go along, but as things stand I don't want to antagonise my mother further, and she is already incredibly hostile to strangers coming to the flat.
TheZee it's so hard when a person has walls inside their mind. He's been groomed by the family for years, and they are successful and practiced manipulators, from along line of the same. It's heartbreaking.
newyear yes I've reported in the past. We had five different social workers over a period of six months. They weren't able to be effective at the time as a care order was judged to be less desirable than him staying at my mothers. I went to court to try and have an injunction put in place to prevent her from offering him bed space when he was younger. At age 14 he was very defiant and sometimes violent towards me. If I insisted he turn off his x-box at bedtime, he would leave the house and go to her. She would comfort him and allow him to stay. Her situation is much less tenable now, due to her ailing mental and physical health. The house is extremely squalid and she has spent large periods of time convalescing at her sisters, which is on the other side of the city. This has left him and my brother very much to their own devices. The housing assoc got wind of this and she's recently returned, but is in a constant state of fury about the state of the house.
All you can do is offer sanity and support for him when he is ready. Keep being there for him but don't get entangled back in the family. Rise above them. You are clearly doing your best for him but these influences can be impossible to break him free of.
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