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I hate the way DH loses his temper with Dc

(23 Posts)
wakemeupnow Tue 25-Feb-14 17:48:00

Long history of difficulties with DS1 exacerbated by Dh reacting impulsively and being argumentative. Ds2 who has always been calm and reasonable and is a lovely 15yr old has now just walked out saying he's not coming back till the weekend because Dh has once again got annoyed and lost his temper at him.

Whilst I agree that Ds' are sometimes annoying and need talking too. I can't bear the way Dh overeacts and heats the situation up. It brings loads of unnecessary stress into our lives and I've had enough.

Dh was recently away working and it was so peaceful with no arguments at all. He's only been back 3 days and Ds has packed his bag and walked out sad.

I can't bear to see Dh destroying his relationship with his sons. he has done a lot of work on himself to improve things but it's just not enough. He's not physically violent just really quick to react to any annoyance and tends to throw petrol on any inflamable situation !

uiopw Tue 25-Feb-14 17:56:22

sorry to hear that. can you tell us more? An example maybe? Otherwise it is difficult to comment.

Goblinchild Tue 25-Feb-14 17:57:02

Where has DS2 gone? Somewhere safe I hope.
What happened to DS1? Still with you or gone too?
I did this a number of times as a teenager, and my father was an immature bully that my mother always supported. Never violent, but verbally aggressive and always needing to be top dog.
What do you want to happen here?

I was estranged for a long time, but my father mellowed as the years passed and we now have a good relationship. Took until I was thirty though.
Because I wouldn't tolerate being bullied, so he either had to cope with no relationship or him controlling his temper and modifying his need to be the Top Bull. I walked out numerous times as an adult on visits, every time he lost the plot.
Mum made her choice too, her DH over her DC. That was easier to manage, once she realised that our relationship was between the two of us.

wakemeupnow Tue 25-Feb-14 18:08:41

Ds has walked to the village where he has friends . I'll ring him in abit and offer to go and pick him up. He was angry and upset and i thought the walk might give him time to think. I'm sure he's safe.

Ds1 has left home..

I don't support Dh behaviour but mine's a very difficult role to play as I know the ideal is to give Dc a united front. I just get to play the peacekeeper sad and try to calm situations down.

Example tonight. Ds has an activity he does for pleasure but it involves getting home late. Dh was setting off to drive as he had to drive into town anyway. DS decides he's too tired and would prefer not to go. He had already told me this but I kind of ignored it thinking he'd get into it once he set off. DH ,on hearing this, slams on breaks so car emergency stops, shouts his head off at Ds , Ds escapes car....

Goblinchild Tue 25-Feb-14 18:13:44

Yup, sounds like flashback time for me.
Mum played the peacekeeper, dad raged and roared and controlled.
Your DP has already had some anger management stuff, hasn't he?
He needs more counselling or he won't keep a relationship with eithr DS going. Is your DH in the forces BTW?
So, DS is 15, facing GCSEs this year? Then 2 more years and gone, or sooner if he can. It's tremendously empowering, the moment you realise that you don't have to put up with the anger, you can escape. DS2 is realising this, DS1 already has.
Do you see much of DS1?

wakemeupnow Tue 25-Feb-14 18:35:20

Dh seems to think it's acceptable to use the car as an accessory to his anger. I just told him that I think it's totally unacceptable and now he's driven off really fast after shouting his head off at me for not empathically listening to his side of things...

He kind of lost my empathy when he said he thought it's ok to slam on the breaks and turn the car round really fast to illustrate his annoynace because, according to him, he was in control of his driving. To do that with someone else in the car is such a dangerous , bullying power trip that I can't see beyond it...

Not in the army Goblin, he presents as a harmless, loving, thoughtful man. His dark side is just for us sad

Goblinchild Tue 25-Feb-14 18:39:37

Yes, I found out that being carsick was nothing to do with the car, and far more to do with being trapped in a vehicle with someone who accelerated and used the brakes as a means of expressing his anger.
When I had a boyfriend with a car, it was a revelation.
Dad was always worse when he returned from a posting, as if he had to piss all over his turf to claim it again as his, and that included his children.
What are you going to do?

Goblinchild Tue 25-Feb-14 18:42:20

You don't say if you have any other children?
What does your DH give as his reasoning for his loss of temper? What did the previous counselling do for him?

wakemeupnow Tue 25-Feb-14 18:53:01

goblin I am sorry you had to suffer that as a child.

My fear is that Dh is modelling to my Ds how to behave like that. I don't know what I am going to do but i have reached my limit. I can't live in a house where violent outbursts occur. I hate that walking on eggshells feeling when I know things that could be so easily calmed down are instead inflated into horrible arguments. He's getting worse as he gets older.

I am going to ask Dh to come to councelling with me to try and sort this out and if that doesn't work I'm leaving...

Goblinchild Tue 25-Feb-14 19:07:19

Sweetheart, he's the one who needs to solve his problem or leave, not you.
My DB is a love, complete control over his temper, happy family and several children. Doesn't follow that your DSs will be like their father, they are making their own choices.

mathanxiety Tue 25-Feb-14 19:59:53

You need to tell your H to leave and sort himself out. Stand your ground in your house. He is out of order, massively. You are not and neither are your boys.

What he did was throw a huge and spectacularly dangerous tantrum in which he thumbed his nose at the law (by means of dangerous driving). The message for you and the boys there is that he is above the law and will not be bound by norms of behaviour. So while he has not physically hit anyone (yet) he is making a threat by this display of anger that he has it in him to do so and that nobody is going to stop him. He is attempting to intimidate you all.

I have an ExH who used to pull stunts like that. Not with the car but with pounding walls, raging around the house with fists clenched, arms out like a gorilla, frothing at the mouth, etc. What your H has done is exactly the same, just in a car. I feel huge sympathy for your DSs. My own DS has no relationship with exH at all, and hasn't since age 18. ExH's loss but he doesn't even now see it that way. DD1 doesn't have anything to do with him either.

ExH needs to be told to leave. No joint counselling -- you are included in the list of people expected to pay attention to this display of power and it counts as abuse. This is not a joint problem and do not under any circumstances give your H the impression that anyone else but him has the problem here.

mathanxiety Tue 25-Feb-14 20:00:38

And DS is a lamb.

soontobeslendergirl Tue 25-Feb-14 20:15:41

Hmmm, do you think he feels threatened now the boys are older - I mean like it's a threat to his masculinity?

Nothing like as bad as your situation yet, but I am finding my OH has started to almost push our two boys out (age 12 and 13) as if they are some kind of threat to him now - he has already said that he will not be able to physically control them soon as they are growing bigger and stronger as he is growing older and weaker - I thought this was a bit odd as although he can be a bit shouty and tends to inflame the situation, he is not physical with them at all.

He was a stay at home Dad when they were little and had a really close relationship with them, but now it's almost as if he is jealous of their youth etc and feels threatened. I just wondered if this was maybe similar to your situation and whether that was quite a natural thing for an "older" dad with teen sons.

We do have a united front thing too, and I am probably the main disciplinarian (I am with them more) but if it ever came down to it, I would always choose my son's over him. I suspect he knows this and that is part of the problem. No2 son has always been a bit tantrummy and hot tempered and my OH has openly stated to me that he loves him but doesn't particularly like him sad No1 son is much more compliant and easy to handle so he prefers to deal with him. I guess that No2 son realises the situation and therefore reacts appropriately.

mathanxiety Tue 25-Feb-14 20:32:34

Men who think of family relationships in terms of control are men who need to completely reexamine what they are doing. Nobody wins in a situation where control is the aim of one of the parents. It is not a healthy model.

ExH stated openly to me that he would prefer for his children to fear him than to love him. Well they do. His wish came true. And he lives on his own and sees those who are still under 18 every second weekend.

Scratch the surface of a man like this and you will find a spouse who is deep down interested in control of you too.

wakemeupnow Wed 26-Feb-14 06:23:58

I think it has a lot to do with control. Dh feels acutely any lack of respect and thinks that he can get respect through control. Little things like Ds not being asleep by 10.30 or not turning his computer off as soon as he's told can escalate into huge battle of wills.

Dh has learnt to leave the house in moments of acute anger which he did last night. He didn't come back which was a releif as I'm feeling ill and already had to go out and find Ds and persuade him to come home.

wakemeupnow Wed 26-Feb-14 06:31:35

slendergirl It's so hard.. when I feel my Ds are being aggressed I have to defend them.

His over reactions mean all meaningful discussions about their behaviour are impossible. DH feels I don't support him. The Ds think he's arse.

nameuschangeus Wed 26-Feb-14 06:32:45

Thank you for this thread OP. And the replies from everyone else. I fear my dp is going this route with our ds's. Younger - not yet teenagers but I have been worried about his need to control them and be obeyed regardless. Thank you. I have food for thought.

saffronwblue Wed 26-Feb-14 06:42:22

I started a similar thread a few weeks ago. Things are calm again but your experience resonates with me. I got good advice there.

wakemeupnow Wed 26-Feb-14 06:43:58

pounding walls, raging around the house with fists clenched, arms out like a gorilla, frothing at the mouth, etc

mathanxiety your desription made me laugh .. but how bloody awful. It's so pathetic when they have so little control over themselves that they have to resort to such shows.

A grown man behaving like this can be terrifying especially for dc. Dh goes red in the face and froths at the mouth. His attempts at controlling me fail.. though he does try confused

wakemeupnow Wed 26-Feb-14 07:06:12

Thanks for the link Saffron interesting reading. Sounds like we are in quite a similar place.. Hope things are going ok for you.

Goblinchild Wed 26-Feb-14 09:10:28

'I think it has a lot to do with control'

I agree, and it was only when control was consistently removed from him that my father made the connection. We had a choice, he couldn't take that from us.
He raged, I walked. I could choose not to come back, to hang up on phonecalls and see his attempted dominance for the fear of loss of control that it was. Now he has matured and aged, he still knows that if he reverts, I and mine would withdraw again. He has made an excellent grandfather.

mathanxiety Thu 27-Feb-14 02:28:40

Oh no, Wakemeupnow. This is nothing to do with losing control over themselves.

All of these displays we have both witnessed are calculated, and would never happen at work or in front of any group other than the family. These men are not losing their tempers. They are using them and the energy that anger brings, in a very controlled way.

If you 'walk on eggshells' then you are being controlled.

I highly recommend you call Women's Aid 0808 2000 247. Leave a message because they are always busy. They will call you back. You and your boys need help.

This is not going to get better. The only aspect of it you can control is you and your response to it.

Please seek out counselling for your boys.

IloveJudgeJudy Sun 02-Mar-14 11:36:20

Wakemeupnow This sounds like my childhood. My father was pretty controlling, but particularly was aggressive with his sons. DB1 has recently said to DM that he wished she had separated from my father. I agree. He (father) caused lots of upset in our family and the repercussions are still around now, even though he is now dead. I feel no sadness at writing that and nor do my siblings. We are said that we didn't have the father that we wanted or that my DBs are being (and my DH).

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