First time problem like this son and my boyfriend

[mamas12]

I have a ds17 I have been seeing a lovely man for the past six months
It's the first time in seven years since the divorce I have introduced someone to the Dcs dd ok with it, ds not so
I have been taking it slowly and inviting ds to join us for meals if he wants to or trying including him and his gf with any meals I'm cooking
But he hasn't wanted to so I haven't pushed it
BUT things came to a head this weekend, plan was to all meet up at a fundrasing do with various members of family and friends where i thought was an ideal opportunity to socialise without any pressure. now the problem is when I couldnt stay in hometown to give ds a lift somewhere as I was going to see bf the night before (he could get the train a bit of a ffaf but doable) ds kicked off all by text, told me if I went to see bf then he didn't want me to go to the Saturday do sigh
I didn't go out of respect to the organiser as there would have been a scene but he has now gone totally non contact with me
Help

[Fifyfomum]

So you were supposed to be going to an event with your son

Couldn't give him a lift because you stayed with your boyfriend overnight

Now son is upset with you because he couldn't go?

Well I think you should just let him cool down and grow up about it.

[mamas12]

Oh he went alright he got the train but he wanted me to hang around until he was ready to go!
My stomach is in knots because this is just what my ex used to do

[mamas12]

You are right he is being quite vile ( like ex) about it and its spoilt everything now
Bf doesn't think a lot of him so relationship there dodgy now
He does need to grow up but I don't know how long I can take this

[Fifyfomum]

He is pushing his boundaries and being a teenager. Just wait for him to come round.

[mamas12]

You are right he is being quite vile ( like ex) about it and its spoilt everything now
Bf doesn't think a lot of him so relationship there dodgy now
He does need to grow up but I don't know how long I can take this as its like living with ex again!

[DwellsUndertheSink]

I think you need to stop comparing him to your ex. He is an individual, a teenager who has his own issues. By categorising him as "like your ex" you are saying what....that he is not worth loving? That you will get rid of him? That you dont love him?

Think of the message you send to him by comparing him unfavourably with an abusive ex.

He may be no contact now, but it would be a rare thing that he gives up his mum altogether.

Have you sat down and talked to him about this new man in his life - I would imagine he feels in danger of being usurped.

[mamas12]

I have never compared him to his dad to his face, and I never would
This is a shock what he's fine this weekend and it has just taken me right back
I have sat him down and told him he and his sister will always come first but I didn't think that meant I had to stay at home for 24 hours until he was ready fir me to drive him somewhere instead of going to see my bf
Was I BU?

[MacBee]

You say you never compare him to his face. Well, my mum compared me to her all the time. She had terribly complicated feelings about herself and these were inevitably put onto me. It doesn't matter how hard you try to keep him from knowing you are making comparisons; you are doing this. Its hurtful.

Also when you say you didn't go out of respect to the organiser, what did you do instead? Did you stay at with your BF instead by any chance?

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

I completely agree with quietly.

This will be a huge change for your son, and very unsettling for him. And your boyfriend has no business 'not thinking a lot' of your son - it sounds like you are allowing your new man to influence how you perceive and treat your child. Which is terrible parenting.

[coppertop]

New man doesn't sound all that lovely if he's made it clear that he doesn't think of much of your ds this early on in the relationship.

Your posts do seem to come across as you and new bf vs your ds. I wouldn't be surprised if your ds is picking up on that atmosphere too.

[mamas12]

No concrete plans were made when I said if he needed a lift I was going up on the Friday but he wanted me to stay where I was in hometown and wait for him to take him up then
He got the train like he has done any other time before when i could not take him
This has shocked me to realise how strongly he doesn't like me to have a bf and I'm asking where to go from here
Bf was not impressed with his disrespectful texts that's all
Shit what a situation

[Ragwort]

Not clear exactly what happened but did you stay the night with your BF on the Friday? I can understand your DS being upset, if it was important for DS to meet BF then I think I would have shown more respect to my DS be being available to travel with him.

I can understand a 17 year old feeling a bit unhappy that his mum is staying out overnight with a 'boyfriend' - you may feel it is totally appropriate but I can see how you son feels.

[mamas12]

He has met him before but not spent any time with him or had a long conversation with him, ds would have been with his aunties, cousins, his gf and her family at this do it would have been me and my bf who were new to the scene so to speak
I have spent night with bf before always asking if it was ok with ds he either stayed at his dads or I was away and he had his own gf staying at mine
I don't know what to do now

[gamerchick]

you let him cool down.. sometimes you can't win with teenagers. Whatever you do next will be wrong.

Tell him you love him and you're sorry that he's upset. Tell him you're there to talk when he's ready.

[mamas12]

Thanks gamer chick hmmm think that might be never ATM but will leave that message on his answer phone and see
Thing is I usually pick him up every Tuesday and Wed from different places after school so well see if he contacts me then
I hate this my stomach is in knots

[adeucalione]

Well you just need to stop arguing by text and talk to each other properly don't you?

I doubt his extreme reaction is down to you withdrawing your offer to give him a lift, and it's your job to find out what the real reason is.

Maybe he doesn't like your bf, or maybe he doesn't want you to have a bf at all, or maybe he feels pushed out - telling him he will always come first isn't enough really, you have to demonstrate this consistently through your actions too.

Even if his anger and anxiety is completely unjustified, it's your job to get to the bottom of it and make it as right as you can.

[adeucalione]

And how can he go no- contact, is he living elsewhere? I would be on the doorstep.

[mamas12]

Yes I will be phoning ex later he's either there or at his gf house
I stopped the texting on Friday
I have left answer phone messages for him, I want to sort or tonight

[BuzzLightbulb]

Does your daughter know where he is?

I wouldn't drag her in but I think you need to let him come to you when he's ready. If you can ask daughter to let him know he's welcome home or to get in touch if he needs a lift back that's probably as intense as you need to get.

nd you can just ask daughter to let you know that he's safe, she doesn't need to split her loyalties or get involved.

[mamas12]

Thanks buzz I know he will be in one of those houses so that's ok
That's so strange I was just thinking of phoning dd she is away at uni only since sept
Sigh it's so hard On my own here I don't want force him to talk to me but at the same time he needs to talk to me

[BuzzLightbulb]

Does he? Or as an adult do you feel that's the rational and mature way forward?

I'd not be do sure he thinks the same way as you.

He may be resentful of your bf just now and as much as you might want to confront that you stand a chance of making it worse if he's not in the same place yet.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

OP - what strikes me reading this thread through, is that it is all about getting it resolved to make you feel better.

I think you probably need to have a long hard think about that.

I also think it is very unfair of you to show your boyfriend texts from your son. Of course he is going to form an unfavourable view of him if you show him your son's worst behaviour.

[Cigarettesandsmirnoff]

op your son could have picked some nasty traits up off your ex and it emotionally damaged him.

I took would be looking for that as I've been in the same situation. Behaviour is learnt.

Keep the status quo with his regular lifts but don't let a 17 year old dictate who you can see.

Don't show your bf the texts although it's nice to talk to some one about it but it's going to muddy is view on your ds.

Let him go NC. I'm sure he will be back when he needs some thing.

[mamas12]

Hmm some food for thought
I want it resolved for both of us because I think apart from feeling angry at me he's probably hurting because I know I am
I didn't show bf texts only quoted a few things but I won't do that anymore
I really don't know whether to phone exh to ask him if he's there and to talk to him about it can't face him though