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Boys - can't love without them....

(17 Posts)
BuzzLightbulb Sat 22-Feb-14 20:28:59

Possibly wrong title but...

Our 16 yr old has had a poor history of managing boys. She's an attractive girl but at this age boys are extremely possessive and jealous over what they see is their territory.

She keeps managing to give the impression she is interested. And even when she says she's not, the lads just assume its a waiting game and stalk her.

She's the architect of her own downfall to some extent, went out with the same guy three times before she was convinced he was a) a self obsessed mummy's boy and b) a serial cheat.

She then used some poor bloke just to get back at the ex, for which we have had harsh words with her.

Recently she struck up a friendship with another guy, to us it had all the trappings of being a boyfriend without the official title. Seems he has assumed that too. She's now told him he's just a friend.

She's supposed to be studying for her exams, but she is stressing about the last three boys in her life. Fair enough they're being dicks but in reality they're just being teenage boys with limited control of their emotions and an even more limited appreciation of what a relationship looks and feels like.

They turn up at the same parties, drink comes into play, she can't just enjoy herself without them kicking off, pressurising her into giving in, punching things when there's two of them in the same room. Late night texts follow. All of which are not helping her concentrate on revision, and she did so badly in her prelims her teachers are dismayed.

Trouble is she's too nice. Se won't just say F off and leave me alone, she gets into discussion with them and she doesn't understand that even that is a signal the door may still be open.

Any tips? She is realistic enough to know a boyfriend right now is not good timing, and she is the architect of her own downfall to an extent, but if there's one act or one defining moment she can go through which can get these three guys off her back that would be good to know.

BuzzLightbulb Sat 22-Feb-14 20:35:45

That should have been can't LIVE, but ironically better that way :-)

Innogen Sat 22-Feb-14 20:43:33

Sounds to be like she is loving the attention, so I don't see this changing any time soon unless you enforce some stricter boundaries when it comes to social life when she should be revising.

chocoluvva Sat 22-Feb-14 22:47:17

"she is stressing about the last three boys in her life" confused I believe it's known as either 'procrastinating' or enjoying a bit of teenage drama.

I wouldn't spend too much time listening to her telling you about these boys as it will encourage her to blow things out of proportion.

Tell her to turn her phone off at night.

BettyBotter Sat 22-Feb-14 23:01:28

I feel sorry for the boys. Sounds like she's giving very mixed messages. Sorry, but she doesn't sound 'too nice'. If she was that kind-hearted I think she'd probably let them all know where they stand without letting them think they have any hope of being her boyfriend.

kaumana Sat 22-Feb-14 23:12:05

Sorry, but I do feel more sympathy for the boys. Perhaps a general chat of how good mature relationships work ie respectful of others feelings etc.

AgentProvocateur Sat 22-Feb-14 23:25:27

I feel sorry for the boys. It sounds like she's stringing them along, and enjoying the ensuing drama.

monikar Sun 23-Feb-14 17:32:48

Buzz I do understand, I have a 17yo DD and have lived the drama of exams and bfs.

If I were you, I would limit my discussion with her about these boys as the more attention you give it, the more important it will appear in her eyes. I would also be having words with her about prioritising - her exams results will last an awful lot longer than any of these 'friendships' with these boys, and if she knows that this is your point of view it may do the trick.

You say you need a 'defining moment' to get these three boys to back off - how about not going to these parties for a while where she knows there will be trouble? You sound concerned about her exams and in this way the time could be put to better use in studying.

BackforGood Sun 23-Feb-14 17:38:23

I can't get past your massive misrepresentation of teenage boys in the 2nd half of your 2nd line...... shock

chocoluvva Sun 23-Feb-14 17:50:43

"pressurising her into giving in" I'm not sure what you mean by 'giving in' or what form the pressurising takes.

Perhaps she could go to the cinema with just a small group of friends instead of going to these parties.

BuzzLightbulb Sun 23-Feb-14 18:29:32

Her social world is everything, but fortunately she is now facing a much reduced party life because of her exams.

I don't think I've got teenage boys too far wrong, her first boyfriend gave her a hard time just for talking to any other boys, but laughed off a photo on Facebook of him snogging another girl.

The other two just drink too much then get all testosterone fuelled, and argue with each other over her right here in front of her like she doesn't have a say in it.

We don't discuss them with her, when she's chatting to friends the angst level goes up and the volume goes up. You can hear her pretty much anywhere in the house!

Sure she'll grow out of it.....

Innogen Sun 23-Feb-14 18:30:42

I don't think you've listened to anyone on here Buzz. biscuit

cory Sun 23-Feb-14 20:17:55

Buzz, the problem with treating three boys as in any way typical of teenage boys in general is that you are validating her ideas that this is the best you can expect. This is closely linked with the idea that any kind of involvement (however little you care about them) with any kind of boy (however unsatisfactory) is better than nothing and there's no point in holding out for anything better.

Not all teenager boys behave like the three you describe. And quite frankly not all teenage girls behave like your dd either.

I can understand that you may not be able to communicate your ideas at the moment because she won't listen. But surely you can have ideas that rise slightly above her (rather low) standards.

If she is studying for exams parties should be few and far between anyway, let alone parties where she is likely to get into socially difficult and distracting situations.

BettyBotter Sun 23-Feb-14 20:23:33

Your words:
'she keeps managing to give the wrong impression she's interested.'
''she then used some poor bloke to get back at the ex'
'she struck up a friednship with all the trappings of being a boyfriend.. and now told him he's just a friend'
'Late night texts follow....she gets into discussion with them and doesn't understand that is a signal the door may be open'.

And then you ask how she can get these guys off her back. Really???!

She is old enough to stop messing people round like this. She is old enough to realise she is playing with real emotions (boys do feel them too, you know) and she is still young enough for you to give her a bloody good talking to about how to respect and behave to other people.

Her behaviour doesn't sound very nice.

webwiz Sun 23-Feb-14 20:47:23

This exactly why DS(17) is just having girls as friends at the moment and concentrating on his studying. He found the drama of a high maintenance girl friend just left him confused and feeling bad.

The thing is I don't think she was representative of all teenage girls - she was just immature and badly behaved. I think OP you have no idea what teenage boys are like.

BackforGood Sun 23-Feb-14 22:45:21

Excellently put, Cory

BuzzLightbulb Mon 24-Feb-14 15:32:08

Cory you're spot on, couldnt agree more.

I skipped on the full history to avoid too much detail, looks like I've got the wrong impression across so i'll quit while I'm slightly behind!

As for boys.... My son from my first marriage was nothing like this, nor his friends at this age. There were hardly any bf/gf pairs in his year until 6th year. His sisters 6th year are the same.

Perhaps the difference in maturity those cpl of years make. On both sides!

Exams have come at a convenient time, dd is going to have to grow up and in many ways if she's going to cope. Might just be time for a chat. Again....

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