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Teenage girl arrrrgggghhhhh

(24 Posts)
DrewsWife Sun 16-Feb-14 09:09:25

My teen is nearly 18. I cannot get her to go to college, find a job, do any chores, not even basics. I'm living a total nightmare.

Anything I ask her to do is a major issue. I work 6 nights a week and I am beginning to hate her. confused

I come home to food left in living room. Butter out, I try asking her to do a washing. War! Please dot think I'm a bad mum but I am close to asking her to leave.

AnythingNotEverything Sun 16-Feb-14 09:16:07

Can you turn the wifi off? DS is nearly 14 so a different proposition, but the basic idea of rifts and responsibilities remains the same.

In what way does she contribute as a member of the household? If none, then she doesn't deserve the privileges.

specialsubject Sun 16-Feb-14 10:34:50

turn off internet. Stop all funding. Stop all transport to anywhere.

and yes, you can ask her to leave once she is 18. So tell her that unless she grows up, that is exactly what you will do.

Stricnine Sun 16-Feb-14 14:56:20

what makes it down to internet or wifi.. OP didn't mention either of those... OP could she be struggling with 'growing up'? and no wanting to rake responsibility for her life?.. I think you need to either give us more background or have a chat with her.. ask her what she would/could do to improve things and explain to get how she's making you feel.. is her course going ok or is she regretting her choices?..

or just back off completely .. but then no food, lifts or money until she contributes (chores, involvement with household, not necessarily money).

but ultimately, yes you an ask her to leave, your responsibility technically end when she's 18.

chocoluvva Sun 16-Feb-14 16:42:10

It's not surprising that you're fed up of your current situation.

Apologies if this is irrelevant - might your DD be depressed?

AnythingNotEverything Sun 16-Feb-14 17:11:51

Stricnine - internet access is often the one thing teens want that you can show them isn't an automatic right.

DrewsWife Sun 16-Feb-14 17:37:11

Thanks girls. She is nearly 18. I have been a single mum since she was 18 months and got married last year. she has always been a manipulator. She has arthritis and uses that as her get out clause for everything. School, college finding a job.. Total nightmare. Today she kicked off because husband wanted to watch football. And she had netflix on.

They are generally good friends but lately its her way or no way. She doesn't have mental health problems but is a complete spoilt arse angry.

Yesterday's kick of was because she didn't want to put dishes in dishwasher, today she screamed she was phoning her dad to pick her up ad did I really want her to do that. And she would live in the town her dad lives.. I smiled as said it was her choice. So she screamed she would end up on the street. And it would be my fault if she was mugged or assaulted. Then started on a tirade of rage. Managed to hurt her ankle joint but it didn't stop her stomping upstairs. wink she went off on a Malcolm tucker inspired rant which was shocking.

Password on wifi is changed as I agree it's a teenagers oxygen supply. Se is now sleeping. But I'm annoyed. I'm angry. I work hard as does hub and we don't seem to have the right in her eyes to do anything. Tell her off. Turn over my telly. Nightmare.

ihatethecold Sun 16-Feb-14 17:45:34

I think you should consider speaking to her dad.
Does he have problems when she is with him?

You shouldn't have to live like this, she is ruling your life.

I would really cut back on life's luxuries for her.
Food, internet etc until she can be respectful of you and your DH.

Calmly explain that she is not welcome to live under your roof whilst she so blatantly takes the piss.

Give her a date that she needs to have found a job and will contribute to the hotel she is living in.

Chottie Sun 16-Feb-14 18:59:06

Tell her you are not prepared to listen to her when she kicks off and walk away and ignore her strops.

Could she go and stay with her dad for a bit to give you all some space?

DrewsWife Sun 16-Feb-14 22:07:56

Sadly I parent alone. Well with aide of DH. ( 2 years together)

Her dad lets just say... Chocolate teapot! His idea of parenting is come in... Rant and go away again.... He never takes her. He use to take her direct to his mums and leave. Same pattern since she was a tot.

Have given her ultimatum. Tomorrow we are hitting a training agency and have spoke to minister where she will do voluntary work at the addiction cafe. And she can see some people who really need help.

Thanks ladies for not thinking I'm an asshole parent. Or if you do keeping it to yourself.

ihatethecold Sun 16-Feb-14 23:06:17

No thanks needed because you're not.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Sun 16-Feb-14 23:47:29

Been there, done that, got the tshirt.

At one point DD was reduced to heat, light and food at set times, limited choice and quantities.

What a merry creature she is now: got a part time job, does laundry, cooking and housework, gives ribcracking hugs and laughs for any or no reason (although rather too fond of sexy vampires).

The best clue is the friends: just had half a dozen charming teenagers sleeping over, who certainly weren't there for the wifi.

chocoluvva Mon 17-Feb-14 00:11:35

You sound like me - I let annoying situations continue until I'm absolutely furious and I recently realised in a sudden flash of enlightenment that my DD has basically just been taking the mickey since she got a place on a course, doing hardly anything in the way of school work while I'm still running about after her like an idiot. The other day she informed me that she needed a pair of jeans washed for the next day and it just hit me out of the blue - why am I still doing so much for her when she's mostly just going from party to party or slobbing around the house with her boyfriend? I had a good giggle to myself watching her hunt for the jeans when I told her to put a load of washing on herself. Her jeans weren't even dirty. I can't believe I've been so soft for so long.

Well done for getting things organised. I hope she 'turns a corner' as a result.

DrewsWife Mon 17-Feb-14 00:15:04

Just in from work and she tells me she is planning her 18th. I smiled and said.. Not parting with a penny darling. Did you start your room.

Knew she hadn't. She was sprawled on sofa. So guess no 18th. She is still sat there mulling it over. Digging my heels in. Looks like I'm in the trenches for a whilegrin

DrewsWife Mon 17-Feb-14 00:19:34

Choccoluva I had an epitome myself. Spent the morning in an utter rage.

I worked 6 nights last week. Finishing at 2am every night. Then spent 2 days taking her to clinics so out of bed at 10am. Drive to Glasgow and sit for 3 or 4 hours each time.

I bought myself new undies as mine are hanging by elastic. If I get knocked down id be mortified! Hunted for them today to find them in her room. All worn!

Tomorrow despite her best protests I'm manning up!

18 years I gave that wee bugger. Loved her deeply and am basically just seen as a muppet. wink Thank goodness I saw the light

I only I wake up this geed up.

cory Mon 17-Feb-14 09:09:46

This may sound odd and totally OTT- but has she ever had any counselling about having arthritis?

I've brought up a teen (17 now) with a joint condition and one of the massive problems we have had to overcome is her fears of the future and her sense of injustice when she realises she has disadvantages to deal with that none of her friends do and that noone can tell her what they will do for her future.

Yes, sometimes it has looked like she is using her condition as a get-out card, but in retrospect I wonder if it wasn't, as much as anything, her fear shining through: am I going to be all right, can you tell me I'm going to be all right, how can you tell me I'm going to be all right, what do you know about it?

She is now in a very good place, working hard at A-levels (having missed out on a lot of secondary) and hopeful about the future. But it's a hopefulness that comes from having worked through (with help) her issues and being able to say "yes, I know I will have difficulties to contend with that the other people I will be competing against won't have. But I have grown a lot and I think I can handle it".

She couldn't have got there on her own. Thankfully her problems showed rather early as severe anxiety, with self harming and real suicide attempts, so it was easy to see that we had to get help for her.

I would add that I have never accepted rudeness and I think you are absolutely right not to do it.

DrewsWife Mon 17-Feb-14 15:56:33

Teen successfully signed up for voluntary work at church helping in the cafe. Went today. Minister asked her to go help out at old ladies group. Always old ladies needing a hand with coats, dropped hymn books etc. grin

Three days a week starting tomorrow. Detailed what she will be doing. Sweeping, mopping, taking orders, serving and anything else the cook needs her to do smile

Oh I feel happy with this and hopefully she will pick up. On the way home we stopped in at a college and got paperwork to sign her up for a course just down from church. So she can do her course and go there for lunch too smile

Now to get through today!

chocoluvva Mon 17-Feb-14 16:06:38

Wow.I feel very hopeful that this will be the making of her. She'll enjoy the respect of all the adults who know she's doing this.

Newyearchanger Mon 17-Feb-14 16:08:03

Agree, has she had counselling or psychological assessment?

DrewsWife Tue 18-Feb-14 12:36:01

Dropped teen off for her first day of voluntary work at church. Straight in to mop the bathrooms, hall and Hoover the worship hall. smile. Have left her lunch money too grin

chocoluvva Tue 18-Feb-14 15:00:21

I hope it goes well.

Travelledtheworld Wed 19-Feb-14 06:23:25

You know some times they step up if you give them new responsibility, and some genuine thanks and praise for a job well done. Good Luck.

DrewsWife Wed 19-Feb-14 11:20:53

I stayed in cafe for lunch with hubby. Ten left a short time later. She was happy enough. They kept her a half day but told her it's only day one so that's normal. They showed her how to brush and mop and ten left her too it.

She is back tomorrow and to be there for 10 to mop. And can then help serve.

She came home herself and then went to her grans to celebrate grans birthday. Seems happy enough but wasn't impressed she had to mop.

I did tell her that everyone has to mop. It's an important part of the job. So we will see.

Yes she has had counselling for her arthritis. She was diagnosed aged 7. Took two years of fighting with GP to get her diagnosed. I spotted it early on but they didn't think kids could have it. Was a long process. She does have a lot of damage to her joints. Needs a jaw replacement too but surgeon and I are at a stand off.

Her rheumatologist will see her on Friday when we go for her next drip. And I will speak to her rheumy nurse too.

They have always said to her to keep moving. To take up a wee job or hobby. So I think it's important she does just that.

She on the other had sees it as a get out clausewink.

I am terrible for hoarding up anger instead of dealing with it at the time.

chocoluvva Wed 19-Feb-14 13:21:07

You're not alone in "hoarding up anger".

It must be very difficult having to be 'cruel to be kind' when your DD would like to be lazy.

I really hope this is the start of a positive new chapter in her life. If nothing else you will feel more kindly disposed to her now that she's making a contribution.

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