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My teenage DD is literally ruining my life

(24 Posts)
RealUnreality Mon 10-Feb-14 11:38:01

I just need to get this out. Don't even think I'm expecting any replies.

My DD (17) has special needs. She has a global delay, so is both mentally and emotionally under developed.

exH left for the OW 7 years ago, towards the end he was both mentally and physically abusive. I now have a restraining order and my 3 DC have no contact. He and OW are just about to have their 2nd child together.

I say to this because I am seriously considering packing DD bags and taking her to exH and OW as I've had enough.

College just called again, DD started there in September, and even though she gets taxi transport, she gets dropped off and goes off to shops or whatever it is she does and does not go to lessons. I'm here worried out of my mind AGAIN.

I'm trying to study. In my final year at uni, and my DD is making it almost impossible for me.

We have over the past couple of years had regular intervention from police, SS and other agencies due to her extreme and often violent behaviour. She literally refuses do do anything she is told to do. On top of all this, I regularly have to confiscate all means of internet use due to her talking to strangers on FB and the likes, and sending indecent pictures of herself.

I think I'm having a nervous breakdown, police and SS are useless, have no contact with ex ILs and both of my parents have sadly passed away.

whohasnickedmyvodka Mon 10-Feb-14 11:40:53

Giving you a hand to hold going through hell with my ds I agree with ss being crap I'm here if you want to talk

RealUnreality Mon 10-Feb-14 11:48:04

Thanks whohas it's good that somebody understands, I really don't know what to do anymore.

I just want to scream at her that if she just bloody behaved herself our lives would be so much better. Whenever I get upset, I sometimes catch her smiling when she thinks I'm not looking. It's almost as if she gets pleasure from causing me pain iyswim?

whohasnickedmyvodka Mon 10-Feb-14 11:53:25

Yes I know what you mean they seam happy that you are not coping you depressed and stressed feel free to pm x

RealUnreality Mon 10-Feb-14 11:57:20

Thanks again whohas same goes for you if you need to offload. It's not my other DC (21,14), we've had our ups and downs as normal but nothing like this.

Think I'm going to call a family meeting this week and see what everyone thinks about sending her to XH and OW. Feel like there are no other options now, and if she did come back after being with the two of them, maybe it will make her realise how good she has it here. Just don't know.

3littlefrogs Mon 10-Feb-14 12:03:56

Can you send her to ex if there is a restraining order in place?

whohasnickedmyvodka Mon 10-Feb-14 12:05:31

Do you get any support at all real ?

RealUnreality Mon 10-Feb-14 12:11:35

Yes 3 as the restraining order was to prevent him harassing me and does not include DC.

No whohas SS always say they will refer to relevant agencies but nothing ever materialises. College are supportive, she has a dedicated one to one who is on the phone practically every day bless her, but they cannot physically keep her in college.

Police are involved at the moment due to her sending explicit pictures to other boys of similar ages, they want to see if any offences have been committed due to her vulnerability.

whohasnickedmyvodka Mon 10-Feb-14 12:14:44

The system stinks we are the ones that have to do everything and then when we break will still get fuck all help sad

RealUnreality Mon 10-Feb-14 12:20:09

I was in such a state with it all a few months ago that I begged SS to put her in care for a while. I think I just so badly needed a break. SS would not entertain the idea and basically said that she is my responsibility and I was being absurd.

Every time I have to call the police when she is being violent she attempts to have me arrested for assault (even though I've not done a thing), she blatantly lies to them telling them I've 'battered' her. Good thing I've had some decent officers who have seen straight through it.

She gaslights all the time. She does things and then outrightly denies them. I remember this with the XH, it makes you think you're going mad.

whohasnickedmyvodka Mon 10-Feb-14 12:23:40

I know what you mean even when I tried to commit suicide last year it was brushed under the carpet and I was still told I had to carry on they just don't seam to care it also is the cost of having a child with additional needs in there system

JuliaScurr Mon 10-Feb-14 12:25:28

(ex uni admin here) speak to your personal tutor about this; there will be options.

Speak to Social Services or the college about eg a chaperone to make sure she goes in to college


does dd have a social worker or anything who could help you?

RealUnreality Mon 10-Feb-14 12:29:28

Same here whohas I told them she was making me feel suicidal and the only advice I got was to get ADs. Can totally sympathise with you. It's quite shocking that their isn't any help available for parents like us.

I told SS, that if something happened to her, they would be the first to be pointing the finger of blame in my direction.

DD was diagnosed with this 'global delay' at 3yrs old, I have had zero support since. Apart from a special school which I was actually forced into sending her to because the mainstreams refused to provide what was in her statement. Special school was appalling and I'm convinced that it's added to the mess I'm in now.

RealUnreality Mon 10-Feb-14 12:32:36

Julia uni are great and have approved EC just in case for this year. I'm really on the last hurdle now and don't want to blow it. I really need to finish ASAP, not only to rid myself of the stress, but so I can get FT employment.

No SW, they just aren't interested. Have spoken to college, chaperone out of the question, the one to one does as much as she can.

HighBrows Mon 10-Feb-14 12:39:05

I'm offering a hand. Try your best to focus on your last semester in college. Finishing college should now be your priority.

If you can offload her to your ex just let her be, ignore her completely, is that an option? How much havoc can she create between now and when you finish?

HighBrows Mon 10-Feb-14 12:39:29

If you can't offload her....

RealUnreality Mon 10-Feb-14 13:13:39

College just called back. She has turned up for the afternoon sessions, but, I'm incredibly angry with her. I've told college she can stay off for the rest of the week while I decide what to do.

Yes uni is a priority. The only sticking point with my XH is that I just don't want any further dealings with him, and I'm concerned that giving her to him may just start something, and besides, he is the sort to just let her go off out all day and night and not care if she was dead or alive.

I'm just so bloody frustrated.

poorincashrichinlove Mon 10-Feb-14 14:04:40

Sorry to hear you're going through such a hard time OP. It really does sound like you're at the end of your tether. When did you DDs behaviour become problematic? Was there an incident that triggered it off? Does she have a relationship with her father and the OW?

RealUnreality Mon 10-Feb-14 15:39:00

poorin She doesn't currently have any relationship at all with her father or OW. Her behaviour has steadily deteriorated since starting secondary school.

feelingdizzy Mon 10-Feb-14 15:49:40

So sorry to hear you are going through this. My mum had similar issues with one of my brothers.She actually ended up getting him a flat knowing it would fail,and then when he got himself in trouble,he has mental health issues,aspergers and is an alcoholic!Mum refused to have him back,they did find him somewhere then.It took 10 years for her to be able to do this ,it nearly broke her.
Again he does seem to relish the trouble he causes,like any attention is better than none.I sadly have no contact anymore,I cant have him around my kids.Its sad.

CouthyMow Mon 10-Feb-14 16:13:53

RealUnreality - are you me?! If your DD was younger, I would say you were! I am in the same boat, with a DD who has GDD / Moderate LD's.

She is currently in temporary FC. She is either due back tonight or next Monday... I will find out in a moment when I ring the SW.

PoshPaula Mon 10-Feb-14 16:20:21

highbrows may have a point, I agree with this to a certain extent - you must try and detach. Distance yourself from her behaviour as it sounds from what you are saying that there is an attention seeking element to it. If she does not see you react and become upset it may take away some of the motivation to behave badly.

You need some support but failing this, do remember - you can only do what you can do. Please make time for yourself and your studying - your life counts, you know.

RealUnreality Mon 10-Feb-14 18:17:44

Thanks for all your replies.

Sorry for those going through the same thing, although it's sort of a relief to talk to people who have first hand experience.

Managed to get to uni this afternoon, got home, DD is back, however, it appears there is yet another boy on the scene. I really can't cope with this, I've been so ashamed to tell anybody, but every time she gets a new boyfriend, it appears she starts sending pictures of herself and who knows what else.

Don't know what to do as I'm terrified of her getting pregnant, not to mention STD's. Have spoken at length to her about these issues but like everything else, she won't listen.

I've give up asking for support, just don't seem to get any. Yes to everybody saying about my studies being priority. It's my final year and I'm on course for a first, I really can't blow this now.

CouthyMow Mon 10-Feb-14 19:27:01

Real, these are some of the issues I'm facing with my DD too. She doesn't have the capacity to understand why this could damage her.

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