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DD suspense des from school

(53 Posts)
Doinmummy Fri 07-Feb-14 20:10:18

Following on from my many threads about my troubled DD. I have redused to have her home due to violent behaviour . She's now been suspended from school for a week. What a mess

ThreeBeeOneGee Fri 07-Feb-14 20:11:51

Where is she living at the moment?

ThreeBeeOneGee Fri 07-Feb-14 20:20:50

From what I remember of your previous posts, you have already been through such a rollercoaster of ups and downs with her. Unless I'm remembering wrongly, you have tried asking CAMHS for support, and SS.

Doinmummy Fri 07-Feb-14 20:21:34

She's 15 and SS have said it's ok for her to stay at her 19 year old boyfriends til Monday. After that she goes into foster care. I'm a mess

Doinmummy Fri 07-Feb-14 20:23:04

I've asked everyone for help . Been turned down 3 times by cahms . SS have now said she can't live with me as my mental health is shredded

ThreeBeeOneGee Fri 07-Feb-14 20:52:50

I think you have done everything (and more) that any parent can reasonably expect to do to support their child. The decisions she is making are her own responsibility. Doesn't stop you worrying though. sad

Doinmummy Tue 11-Feb-14 22:11:59

Had a meeting at the school today and she's been expelled

ThreeBeeOneGee Tue 11-Feb-14 22:15:01

Is she still at her boyfriend's, or living with a foster carer now?

I have experience of various kinds of crap happening, but not this particular kind, so I can't offer any advice I'm afraid, but I'm thinking of you.

Doinmummy Tue 11-Feb-14 22:18:14

She's still at her boyfriends. I can't begin to explain how devastated I feel. I've had to change the lock on the front door so she can't get in. It feels as if everything has fallen apart . I feel totally alone

Travelledtheworld Wed 12-Feb-14 13:09:32

Doin good to see you back......
If she is going into foster care that is the best thing for you both. Don't beat yourself up over this. Make the most of the space it will offer you. Let someone else take the strain for a while.

You have done as much as you can for the time being. Focus on yourself now.

Doinmummy Wed 12-Feb-14 13:20:45

She is 16 on Sunday and I've been told it's unlikely she'll go into foster care. The advice I've been given is that they normally bed hop for as long as people will put up with it and then they come crawling back.

She'll miss all her GCSE's . I've been put on Valium which is helping a bit. It just seems such a mess. She's not been told yet about being expelled.

Travelledtheworld Wed 12-Feb-14 14:56:19

Even though she has been expelled from school, has she been entered for her GCSE' s ?

She must have already completed some of the assessments eg English, where a significant proportion of the course is class based assessments.

You will need advice from the Education Authority, I thought under 18' s are not allowed to leave school now until they have passed maths and English GCSE.

Travelledtheworld Wed 12-Feb-14 14:56:50

And no more Zopiclone ? OK ?

Floggingmolly Wed 12-Feb-14 15:00:48

Can SS really give the go ahead for an under age girl to move in with her 19 year old boyfriend??? shock. Isn't there a child protection issue there?

Doinmummy Wed 12-Feb-14 15:57:13

Travel no def no more zopiclone. Although laughably the GP has given me enough diazepam to knock out a herd of elephants.

Flogging we've discussed the child protection issue and it seems common for this to happen

I've no idea what will happen re GCSE's , I'm waiting to hear

Maryz Wed 12-Feb-14 19:04:51

Doin, you can only deal with today, you can't worry about what might happen.

ds1 ws permanently excluded when he was just 15. I was gutted, I felt such a failure. But with hindsight, he was desperately unhappy at school and it wasn't going to get better.

He eventually (a year later) got a place on an early school leavers scheme full of drop outs and druggies and wasters (his words) where he was top of the class and excelled.

He did get some qualifications in the end, just in a roundabout way.

Please don't worry about her education at the moment. Get yourself better first and foremost. You have done all your can, your job now is to get yourself fit and healthy so if she does decided to come back you can make sensible decisions as to whether or not it is the best thing for you and for her.

Doinmummy Wed 12-Feb-14 21:16:39

Thankyou Mary I'm breaking the day down into ten minute segments as that's all I can seem to manage.

Things have been taken out of my hands at the moment, she's not allowed back home. The school saw her at her worse the other day when she went for the teacher and said they can't believe I've been living with this for so long. Did they think I'd been making it up ????!

I think she's seeing some sort of therapist/ psychologist tomorrow.

Maryz Wed 12-Feb-14 21:43:01

I said this to Couthy the other day - her kicking off at other people is a good thing.

I know it's awful at the moment, but the vast majority of kids like your dd do grow up. Your job is to hang in there, look after yourself, so when she eventually matures (which may be much later than other kids), you will still be sane and healthy and will be able to support her as and when she wants it.

In the meantime, you have come to a point where for your own sanity you have to step away.

A counsellor once said to me "what are you afraid of" - my answer was that he would kill himself or someone else. She asked me how was I going to stop him - and I realised I couldn't.

So when he disappeared he was either ok - in which case no need to worry; hurt - in which case a passer-by would call an ambulance; or dead, in which case there was nothing I could do anyway.

Once I decided that nothing I did made any difference it became much easier. Before that I thought that I could stop bad things happening. Once I realised I couldn't it was easier.


Take a break.

Doinmummy Wed 12-Feb-14 21:54:56

I've been signed off work for a month and I'm going to take it.

I feel that I have been able to mentally hand things over to the authorities. I'm not chasing round trying to find out where she is and that has lifted some of the anxiety. Like you say , I'll soon find out if anything happens. My friends advice has been ' don't do what ifs' so I'm trying not to.

Maryz Wed 12-Feb-14 22:01:06

Yes, your friend is right.

Now that you have a little bit of time, try some online CBT (or don't if you don't want to, have a rest).

If you do want to, I have found MoodGym helpful - you can do online exercises for about 15 minutes a day and it helps you notice when you are having negative thoughts, or anxieties.

They do a sort of checklist when you start - I was off the scale for most of the anxiety stuff.

It took a lot of time to STOP myself from worrying. But once I could do it, I really started to get a lot better. And funnily enough, ds and I have got on a lot better since I stopped trying to stop him harming himself, and he stopped fighting me.

We have a calm silent truce atm. Which is so much better than active hatred (him) and desperate worry (me)

Doinmummy Wed 12-Feb-14 22:44:10

The social worker has said she's going to put me forward for CBT so I can cope better with daughter. I will go but can't get past the thought that If DD behaved I wouldn't need bloody therapy

flow4 Thu 13-Feb-14 06:12:20

Just spotted this thread, Doin. Hello. smile

I had exactly the same thought about counseling when I was dealing with my DS's bad behaviour. But with hindsight what I think is, DD isn't behaving (and neither was my son) so that's why you need help. Saying "If Dteen behaved I wouldn't need therapy" is like saying "If I wasn't under this ocean I wouldn't need this oxygen". smile And anything that might help is worth a try, isn't it?

Well done for changing the locks. You must be feeling really shit, but you've been through enough. You need to look after yourself, and it's really good you have started to do this.

Doinmummy Fri 14-Feb-14 12:19:18

It's all getting a bit messy with regards to what agency is helping. DD agreed to meet with the Family Solutions lady but then SS decided to bring in DBIT who neither DD nor I know. It's all so disjointed.

flow4 Sat 15-Feb-14 22:48:58

It must be very frustrating. But at least she/you both are getting some help now. smile

Doinmummy Sun 16-Feb-14 18:00:27

Dd doesn't know that she's been expelled yet. School said they're going to write and tell her. Not sure that's a good idea. She's now refusing to see anyone from DBIT or SS .

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