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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

Sexual behaviour at parties

59 replies

felicity1971 · 04/02/2014 15:20

Good grief! I have just had a chat in the car with 14 year old son and four of his mates, 2 boys and 2 girls. They had been discussing parties that have happened recently and got onto the subject of girls being 'slutty'. Apparently it's the norm for some of the girls to get off with five or six different boys at a party and I don't mean just a quick snog! Some of the girls are giving blow jobs and getting fingered in front of the others. One girl was on her period and was fingered by two different boys one of whom proceeded to walk round showing his bloodied hand to others. These are year 10s by the way. If it had just been the boys talking amongst themselves I wouldn't have been so inclined to believe it all, but the two girls seemed genuinely upset by what's been going on. One of them said she gets called frigid because she doesn't want to indulge in this sort of behaviour.What is going on? They are still children. Genuinely worried that kids are growing up so fast that some might think this is a normal way to behave!

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JunoMacGuff · 04/02/2014 15:22

How old is year 10?

MothratheMighty · 04/02/2014 15:30

It certainly wasn't and isn't normal behaviour for my children, or their friends,but having lived and taught in all sorts of areas, attitudes change from one place to the next, not based on income levels either. It's been the same for decades.
Y10 have their 15th birthday in that school year.

BehindLockNumberNine · 04/02/2014 15:34

Blimey!! I sincerely hope that is not the norm everywhere!!

Ds is 14 and in Y10. All I have heard in regards to talk about parties is how drunk some of them got. One memorable quote was from a girl who was listing what she had been drinking (a selection of drinks)... When told she should not be mixing her drinks she said, in all seriousness: I did not mix them, I drank them one at a time!!

Ds has said some of the girls in his year are very slutty and wear too much make up.
But as for sexual behaviour as per the OP, it has not been mentioned and I hope against hope it does not go on....

MothratheMighty · 04/02/2014 15:36

Sad that the girls are still seen as sluts, are their similar negative comments made about the boys?

sweetfluffybunnies · 04/02/2014 15:36

So sad to see that, as always, it is the girls being labelled as slutty, while at worst the boys are just being 'lads'.

sweetfluffybunnies · 04/02/2014 15:37

X-post Mothra!

NeoFaust · 04/02/2014 15:41

God, my youth seems so far away now... I remember those types of parties.

Kind of hoped the slut-shaming had died away though - it might have just been the crowd I hung out with, but nobody would have been down on a little promiscuity in my day, as long as no relationships were being buggered up. It's sad if things have backslid since the millennium.

noddyholder · 04/02/2014 15:44

I think a lot of parents would be shocked at what goes on and yes it really does go on everywhere and your little darlings lie to you and you believe every word. I chatted to ds now 19 and at uni about what they got up to aged 15 ish and I was and tbh they even said it was outrageous! Middle class boys from nice families and with lovely parents and good lives

JunoMacGuff · 04/02/2014 15:46

Yep, this was what happened at some parties I went to at 15.

Not all, and I absolutely agree that it has nothing to do with social class or income levels or anything like that.

Being fingered when you are on your period though vom

MothratheMighty · 04/02/2014 15:49

It's not about the sex though noddy, or about the 'everyone's children lie to them' It's about the lack of respect, for yourself or a partner, and the use of your sex as a commodity to either boost your status or your popularity.
I was sexually active from 16, way back in the 70s. Always as an equal.

notso · 04/02/2014 15:51

I remember thing like that happening at parties when I was that age. My DD is 14 this year and so far hasn't been allowed to any unsupervised house parties.

noddyholder · 04/02/2014 15:51

I know that and when I spoke to ds that was always the tone of my chats. BUT they don't seem to give a toss at that age and its all raging hormones and bravado. I have never heard any talk of sluts etc tbh

freckledleopard · 04/02/2014 15:56

Sounds like the types of parties I went to aged 15. We had competitions to see how many boys we'd snog (or worse). A friend of mine kissed 8 guys, got fingered by about 4 of them and gave another a blow job in broad daylight (well, it was a summer evening) in a communal garden.

We were all public school girls too.

Not something I'd particularly want DD doing when she's that age, but not unusual.

specialsubject · 04/02/2014 15:57

looks like the attitudes of the seventies are still alive and well. 'sluts', 'frigid' etc.

and if true, that no-one has the guts to say 'this is wrong'.

sinningsaint · 04/02/2014 16:19

My 16 y/o DD regularly goes to parties and has said a couple of girls may get fingered/give a blow job but only with 1 lad and in a private room. Also says she knows a girl who got fingered on her period and that the poor guy only found out when someone pointed out the blood on his white shoes

hootloop · 04/02/2014 16:22

This went on when I was 15 too, I was rarely invited on account of being fridgid and no fun.

princessalbert · 04/02/2014 16:30

Similar things went on at house parties in the early 80s too.

Not quite so publicly, in private rooms/cupboards or ateast the lights got switched off.

DS is 16. He hadn't been to any house parties (yet).

felicity1971 · 04/02/2014 16:30

It's the lack of respect for each other and themselves that bothers me too. And seems its more the girls calling each other sluts that the boys saying it. The first thing I pointed out was that the boys behaviour is every bit as bad as the girls. I had sex at 16 but with one boy I was in a relationship with.

OP posts:

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 04/02/2014 16:33

I blame porn. It's rife in playgrounds these days, from the ripe young age of Year 4 or 5 (we are talking 9 or 10 year olds here).

They see girls/women being gang banged along with everything else and think that is normal sexual behaviour and enjoyment. both boys and girls think that is what is expected of them.

MothratheMighty · 04/02/2014 16:35

It's been going longer than the free availability of porn to the underaged though, it's a mindset that is passed on through the generations.
No PCs when I was 16, the most boys had was a pile of magazines under the mattress.

GraduallyGoingInsane · 04/02/2014 16:39

I'd like to think this never happens, but I am sure it does, on occasion. I don't think it happens everywhere all the time though.

My eldest is 17. We've discussed what goes on at parties, how they sometimes get out of hand. We've talked about how she can ask me to come and get her, no questions asked any time.

I've also overheard and seen my DDs discussing things with friends when they think I'm not around, so I know it's not all sweetness and light.

Certainly for my DDs (the older 3, my youngest is only in Year 6!) it seems that alcohol is a huge feature at every party. My eldest has come home drunk on several occasions, and I'm not naive enough to think when she stays at her friends houses she stays sober. DD2 (15) has admitted to drinking at parties but has never been obviously drunk when I've collected her. DD3 (13) denies having drunk alcohol at parties, but I wouldn't be surprised if she has. So I would say alcohol at parties from Year 9 onwards seems to be a constant.

My DDs have discussed girls and boys behaving promiscuously with me. It seems that it is usually one or two girls who have usually had too much to drink behaving in this way, with a few boys. The boys don't seem to get as much stick for this, but then my DDs say when the boys get drunk they tend to get loud and then vomit, whereas the girls get flirty then vomit. I've discussed with them all that if a girl is very drunk and boys take advantage, that is wrong.

I've heard them discussing with friends how 'such and such was a right slut' and other similar things. I've had the talk that a girl being promiscuous is no worse than a boy, and vice versa, but this does not seem to be the message amongst peers. DD1 has said it's because the girls actively 'flirt' whereas the boys just take what they can get. She said if a boy 'flirted' in this way, most girls would bat them away if they were drunk, but boys seem happier to go along with it.

I've never heard them discuss quite such graphic sexual behaviour, it mainly seems to be kissing, and couples in relationships taking it further. There was outrage when a girl in DD1s year gave a boy who wasn't her boyfriend a blow job at a party, and this was a hotly discussed topic so I can only hope they means it was a one off.

I have tried to instil in my daughters a sense of self worth, in the hopes this will protect them from this sort of thing. We have discussed getting too drunk, and we have discussed putting yourself in a risky position. It's bloody impossible though, and I'd hate for my DDs to behave like this. It worries me that they do drink, I know DD1 has drunk way too much before and been in a state where she would be vulnerable. They do dress older and I hate the trend for short and tight dresses. I console myself that they go to parties at people's houses rather than in a public place so are mixing with peers. I have told them they can call if they are in trouble or have drunk too much and I will come, no punishment. I try to talk through all the consequences but I think at the end of the day you just have to hope for the best.

elevendays · 04/02/2014 16:41

Gosh, your 14 year old and his mates certainly talk freely in front of you. Why on earth would they want someone's mum to hear about all that??

MothratheMighty · 04/02/2014 16:43

Mine are 23 and 19 now, got this far with not too many incidents.

intheround · 04/02/2014 16:51

Girls just can't win can they? If they get off with boys they're sluts and if they don't they're frigid.
Girls really need to be strong to get through that. It takes self-worth to stand up to the peer pressure of letting any boy have a grope.
Having said that, there are some girls in DSs year who act in an almost predatory way, so both sexes have their issues. It's such a shame.

higgle · 04/02/2014 16:58

nothing much has changed since I was year 10 (or "fourth form" as we called it then) 44 years ago.

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