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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

i have bitten the bullet and told ss my ds can't come home :(

138 replies

whohasnickedmyvodka · 03/02/2014 15:37

My 16 year ds has adhd ,post traumatic stress disorder,self harms and has been physically mentally and verbally abusive towards myself my dp and my 8 yr dd for the past few years.Last year I had a breakdown and tried to commit suicide as I couldn't cope with the abuse and stress the running away staying out for days on end not knowing where he was , cutting his arms with knives in front of my dd stealing living screaming abuse at all of us , headbutting me ,trying to rebreak my broken leg,refusing to follow the most basic of rules,attacking my dp ,kicking off and smashing his room and other things in the house over the smallest of things .He is staying with my parents but they cannot cope anymore(he has been there 2weeks and it was his choice) he wants to come home but his behaviour is as bad as it has ever been.Since he has been gone my dd is so much happier we have been able to do normal things with her that she has never done before,she is finally sleeping all night as she isn't scared .I still love my ds but just can't mentally and physically cope

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Report

Piscivorus · 03/02/2014 15:42

I have no advice but just wanted you to know someone has listened and it sounds to me like you are doing the right thing.

Some friends of ours had to do this with their eldest son in order to protect their youngest daughter. It has been hard for them all but their daughter is much more settled and secure now

whohasnickedmyvodka · 03/02/2014 15:44

I know it's the right thing I just feel like suit doing it

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whohasnickedmyvodka · 03/02/2014 15:45

Shit bloody auto correct

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glammanana · 03/02/2014 15:57

What a choice to have to make but you know you are right in not agreeing to have your DS home again,I do think you need to get in touch with Social Services asap and get help for your parents as they just can't be expected to put up with kind of behaviour,can your Doctor not get a place for your DS where he has 24/7 care and treatment,you must look after the interests of your DD now she is settled it can't be allowed to go on can it.Best wishes to you & your family.

whohasnickedmyvodka · 03/02/2014 15:59

My parents have told my son's social worker that they can't have him staying there after next week as they are going away

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whohasnickedmyvodka · 04/02/2014 12:58

I have a chin meeting in an hour just had my ds sw come and see me I broke down and said again he can't come home he was going back to talk to his manager before the meeting I'm shitting it :( :( :(

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whohasnickedmyvodka · 04/02/2014 18:33

I have come home feeling even worse I found out that my ds threatened my dd with a knife when she found him self harming and she was to scared to tell me :( :( .The sw spent most of the meeting blaming me and telling me to try harder with my ds I told them I cannot cope any more I told them my mental health is suffering ( I tried to commit suicide last year as I couldn't cope ) my dad was 100% supportive but my narcissistic mum doesn't believe my ds would do any thing like that . I can't have my ds back I love him but can't live with him I felt so bullied by the sw I feel like suit :( :( :(

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willitbeagoodyear · 04/02/2014 19:02

Well From what you said I hope you answered their comments with you should do more to help him!

Ok, where are things now?

You are definately doing the right thing, sw probably is thinking "shit what are we going to do now, it would be so much more convenient if whohas would have him at home as then we wouldnt need to find a suitable placement"

You are doing the right this, first and foremost your DS needs help and he will be better access to this in a good placement and second your family needs a break from the daily violence and problems. This is NOT the end, but things WILL get better.

Im not the most experienced person on here with these sorts of problems there are a few other mums - Im trying to this of their MNnames who have been or are in your situation. I hope they will be along in a moment - but I will bumb for you and hope that they see the thread.

HANG in there and have a unmumnetty [HUG] from me and either a or a

RandomMess · 04/02/2014 19:05

SS just don't want to deal with it due to lack of funding, resources etc. hence pushing you to having him back.

wannabestressfree · 04/02/2014 19:07

As a parent who went through the same thing I think you Re doing the right thing. Don't allow ss to shame you, it sounds as of your son needs inpatient treatment. Mine did and it worked very well.
I would suggest to your mother that if she feels strongly your son is not like that she cancel her holiday and take him.
You must stay strong and be a united front x

AuditAngel · 04/02/2014 19:10

I don't have any experience of this, but it seems to me that you need to just keep telling SS that you have done all you can for your DS and can do no more. Your priority now has to be your DD.

AND REPEAT.

AlpacaLypse · 04/02/2014 19:11

Hold on to the most important bit, you job is to look after both your children. This cannot be done while ds is not capable of being in the same place as your dd. He is the elder, and it is him who is causing the danger to dd. So he has to be somewhere else. You love him but you cannot permit him to be in the same place as dd. Him being with your extended family isn't working either. SS need to get him into safe foster care until his MH(?) issues are addressed. If they don't, you are in danger of falling ill. Then they'd be having to look after all three of you. Stay strong OP, hope some of the experienced lot on here will be along soon.

And second the , and a bit of too.

whohasnickedmyvodka · 04/02/2014 19:13

At the moment will my ds is at my parents house where he has been for three weeks since he kicked off and said he didn't want to be at home .My parents cannot cope with my ds and his behaviour so they don't want him there any more I did say I have been begging for help for years and we haven't had any I have coped alone I can't do it any more mentally I'm exhausted I have fought for years all all I got told was do another parenting course

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ihatethecold · 04/02/2014 19:13

I really feel for you, I had many problems with my DS now 23 when he was a teenager. I was begging SS for help, they told me that because I wasn't abusing him and he wasn't under 5 they couldn't help.

It was hideous.

Please keep on at them, you really are doing the right thing.
Our family set up sounds the same as yours.
Really good luck stay strong.

whohasnickedmyvodka · 04/02/2014 19:17

I know I'm doing the right thing I just feel so so let down and unsupported by the system I did say if my ds did something to my dd who would you blame me and I'm not risking that she has seen far to much I need to repair the damage to her

sitting here with a glass of low alcohol wine

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whohasnickedmyvodka · 04/02/2014 19:19

I have never had a great relationship with my mum and now she seams to be using having my son there against me as well

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AlpacaLypse · 04/02/2014 19:31

I'm a novice in all this, but would it be possible to get your ds's health team to support your efforts to get him accommodated elsewhere?

whohasnickedmyvodka · 04/02/2014 19:34

I begged the health team when he was suicidal last year and was told there is nothing in our county the nearest one is over 400 miles away I was told to watch him 24 hours a day :(

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Isabeller · 04/02/2014 19:37

Good luck, so sorry you are going through all this. X

whohasnickedmyvodka · 04/02/2014 19:39

Thanks isa I just feel numb empty feel like shit and wondering am I doing the right thing :( :(

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AlpacaLypse · 04/02/2014 19:42

Even 400 miles away is better than nowhere at all. I wish there was more support for MH... you do seem to be stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Do you have the energy to write to your MP to ask what measures are in place to improve child MH services in your area, and cc a local paper?

Uptheanty · 04/02/2014 19:45

I'm sure you're a good mum & trying your best

Be strong & keep going

whohasnickedmyvodka · 04/02/2014 19:45

They are going to be building a adolescent mental health unit here next year but where we are there is nothing available down here

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whohasnickedmyvodka · 05/02/2014 14:10

I'm sitting here scared and crying I just don't know what to do I have been told by my ds sw and my parents I have to have my ds back home there is nowhere else for him to go and as I have legal responsibility for him I have to do it some one please what do I do :( :( :(

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ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 05/02/2014 14:18

That isn't true.

They are saying that because it is easier for them to force you to have him back.

You can say no on the grounds that he is a danger to your other child and force them to place him elsewhere.

You are responsible for him and equally responsible for your other child and the only way to keep them BOTH safe is to ensure an appropriate home for both. atm, that cannot be the same place.

Both ss and your parents would no doubt be the first ones lining you up to be shot if your son came home and hurt your daughter.

Dont let them bully you. You are doing this in the best interests of both of your children. You are trying to ensure that your son gets the help he needs.

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