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Teenage love trauma

(10 Posts)
olcote Tue 28-Jan-14 15:00:37

I am desperate for some help. My dd aged nearly 17 was going out with her boyfriend for nearly 18 months until 6 months ago. He suddenly finished with her (she had become paranoid about other girls and they had started to argue a lot). The split was very hard for him too, tears shed on both sides and it was clearly not what he wanted but he didn't know what else to do. My problem is that six months on and she is really still not over it, or even getting over it, at all. Outwardly she is doing ok, she's at college now (he's still at school) and she has lots of friends and is out with them a fair bit. She's had interest from other boys but is not interested in anyone at all. But during an argument today which got quite heated (normal teenage stuff, not being respectful, letting me know what she's doing etc etc) I made the mistake of mentioning the previous boyfriend and she absolutely lost it, floods of tears, she said I have no idea how hurt she is, how much she hates herself, how unhappy she is. When I said she gives the impression she is having fun with her friends, she said it's just a front, she is trying to be happy, but she's not. She doesn't want to talk about it at all, she pushes me away and tells me not to mention him, she gets very upset at the mention of him, and I can't further that conversation at all, she cuts it straight off. But clearly she's in turmoil still. I know that they have sporadic contact on fb, but no idea what the discussions are about. He has been 'seeing' another girl but very casually and it's not a relationship apparently, just a snog at parties etc. I wonder if this still gives her hope? Is she living in hope still? Is this why she won't entertain even the mention of anybody else in her life? It wasn't a short relationship, it was a long one for their age I know, and it had become serious (they had started sleeping together). I just don't know how to help her when she won't discuss it. Not sure whether to talk to any of her close friends, they appear to think she is ok, whether they ever talk about him I don't know, but I doubt it. Help!

Innogen Tue 28-Jan-14 18:27:21

There's nothing you can do. I really think it's best to stay out of it.

Time does heal these things. Its especially hard when you have to see your ex move on, no wonder she's so upset.

This happened to me at 19. I found a lot of support in my university counselling service. Nothing changed with regard to him and seeing him all the time, but just knowing the uni knew what was going on and were on my side was very reassuring.

Maybe encourage something like this if it is available at your school?

Make sure you never mention him again though.

Time will heal this. I promise.

adeucalione Tue 28-Jan-14 18:36:42

Your poor DD.

You sound lovely OP but I agree that there's nothing you can do other than let her know that you care and are willing to listen if she wants to talk.

Perhaps you could engineer some time together that might encourage her to open up - shopping or a spa day.

If she does talk about him I would make sure you are agreeing with her, and steer well clear of criticising him or trivialising their relationship. My mum used all the 'plenty more fish in the sea' cliches when I was that age and I always wanted to throttle her because it really can feel like the end of the world.

olcote Wed 29-Jan-14 10:55:05

Thank you both for your messages, I really appreciate your advice. I think you are right, I can only let her know I'm here if and when she wants to talk, and hope that time will heal. It's just so hard not to be able to help, that's all I want to do, I just want to see her happy. I wouldn't criticise him, I was very fond of him and I could see why he finished the relationship if I'm honest. And I would never use the 'plenty more fish' one, my mother used that on me and it drove me mad, didn't help one bit!!

chocoluvva Wed 29-Jan-14 14:29:33

Aww. How hard for both of you olcote. (I can see this happening to my (17YO) DD too - I'm pretty sure she texts her lovely BF to within an inch of his life)

I think it often does take a long time to get over a break-up. Your DD might have thought he was 'the one'.

It was so much easier when they were little. Sigh.

olcote Wed 29-Jan-14 16:30:58

Ahh Chocoluvva I sincerely hope it doesn't, it really is the worst thing I've been through with my daughter, give me teething and temper tantrums any day over this!!!! Yes I do think their life plans had run away with them to be honest, his parents met at school and my daughter's dad and I weren't much later so I think they both thought that could easily happen to them; the world is much bigger for them than it was 30 years ago!
I know DD has had a couple of invitations to the cinema etc from other boys. I just wish I could persuade her to take one of them up, it doesn't have to be the start of a relationship, it would just be nice to see her not having a brick wall around her and accepting an invitation to maybe just go out and have a nice time.

OhMerGerd Mon 03-Feb-14 03:39:33

Going through the same with my dd (17) at the mo.
It is hard isn't it. But its weirdly reassuring to hear about how you and your DDs are getting through it. Thanks for sharing.

There have been some days when she has been so low I've not known whether I should be doing more/less ... Should i be biting my tongue and saying nothing, or are my cuddles and sympathetic words actually saying something helpful or am I saying completely the wrong thing...

Be interested to hear how you get on ... I think I am going to be here with dd for a little while yet.

mrsmillsfanclub Tue 04-Feb-14 11:00:10

I'm in the same boat. Dd (17) finally finished her romance of 2 years last night. Both of them are very upset, but were outgrowing one another. I feel sad too as he was a nice boy. Told dd I'm here for her, but know I have to let her get her own way through it. Sometimes I long for the toddler years again!!

monikar Tue 04-Feb-14 12:23:44

My sympathies to all you mums and DDs, you were me last summer when my DD17's long-term bf broke up with her. For her though, it was completely out of the blue and she was heart-broken. It was one of the hardest things I have had to go through with her. She couldn't sleep for about the first week and would wake me up at 4am crying that she had 'lost her best friend' - it was just awful.

The hardest thing for me was my inability to fix it and make it all better. When they are little, we can always resolve any situation, at least to a certain extent, but as near-adults, that is no longer possible. Just acknowledging that to myself was painful.

With hindsight though, all the advice I can offer is to be there for them, listen when they want to talk and back off when they don't. Also, tempting though it is, resist the overwhelming urge to bad-mouth the bf.

Custardo Tue 04-Feb-14 12:27:04

its a very unhappy mixture of teenage angst, teenage drama, teenage 'I am the centre of the universe and no one had evr felt like this before'

its so sad, but I wouldn't let it be used as an excuse to be rue in any way shape or form

< remember fondly dd aged 15 climbing into my bed, tears streaming down her face after a break up " oh mummy it hurts so bad"> awwww

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