Depression and my 18 year old daughter

[Nina61]

I am desperate. My daughter and her boyfriend of 3 years ended around 8 months ago, mutually. She has not got over it and at the start went through every negative emotion going. By Christmas we thought she was recovering, but suddenly has hit rock bottom, quit school and dancing (her absolute passion). She refuses to get out of bed, even for meals. Saya she just wants to be left alone and will not respond to anyone. Took her to the doctor, who sent her away with a questionnaire and said to go back in 2 weeks! The questionnaire was put in the bin and she says she's fine and won't go back to doctor.
She has always been the most amazing, talented and easy daughter to have. We have a very good relationship as she does with her elder sister (aged 30).
The doctor advised me to let her be and get on with life normally!!!! How the hell do I do that when my daughter is feeling so useless and low?
Does anyone have any advise from experience please? I seem to spend my life crying!

[AwfulMaureen]

I had this exact thing at the same age. Split with my longterm boyfriend and fell into a year long depression. Dropped my friends, hobbies everything.

Please carry on as normal...don't let her see you upset. The only thing that kept me going was the fact that my home life was secure and normal. I DID recover without any medication too.

the thing that stopped me going under was my sister's dog. After about 9 months of misery I began to take the dog for walks...I think that a combination of excersise and the love of the dog pulled me out of the pit. Also I began to do a lot of arts and crafts at the same time.

Is there any way DD would go out for a walk with you daily? Or would she like a dog? I know that's extreme...but it helps so much.

[Nina61]

AwfulMaureen, thank you so much for this reply. I will definitely try getting her to walk with me or her sister. I understand the part about keeping home life normal, this is something I will look at because so far, I tend to cry a lot because I feel so desperate that I can't help her.
She is a fantastic artist but at the moment thinks she is rubbish at everything.
Your personal experience has given me so much hope. Thank you x

[AwfulMaureen]

I did the walk every day but I should stress that for about 6 months I did nothing but smoke and watch MTV! Oh and sleep and cry. I'm ok now...more than ok and I haven't had any episodes of depression since then...I'm 41 now!

I think really sensitive people...artistic ones particularly can be pushed over by this kind of traumatic event. I got over him in the end...and have had lots of normal relationships since...am now married with two DC.

I think I would just let her be to be honest, be very kind as I'm sure you are...don't hassle her too much except maybe ask her to walk with you....I remember my Mum making me go to Car Boot sales as it was something I usually enjoyed...but I used to go and walk about all floppy and sad...it lifted all of a sudden really...and I went back to college, then did a dgree aged 22. x

[RebeccaMumsnet]

Hi there,

We have moved this over to our Tenn topic now.

[EloiseintheSun]

Nina - I also read your story which resonated. I agree with Maureen - try as best you can (and it is vey hard but do-able, just about) to maintain an normal a home life as you can. The thing that'll help lift your DD's spirits is, paradoxically, routine and at least a very good semblance of normality.

I also agree about the exercise - proven (I think!) link between exercise/fresh air and improved mental health.

Regarding school - I have a DS who's repeating a year (for different reasons). It's far from unusual. There's every chance that your DD will get back on track, or do what's right for her, by the time things start happening again in September. Is school being any help to you at all?

And as for you - this must be an exhausting time. I hope you're looking after and making time for some good things like an evening out in your life.

Re the GP - I'd talk to another one - fobbing your DD off like this isn't remotely helpful.

Good luck - it's a very trying time all round but your DD, I'm sure, knows just how much she is loved and cared for. That really makes a difference.

[Nina61]

Eloiseinthesun, thank you so much for the advise and kind words.
I also work in the school my DD attends and so far one teacher has come to me and said that perhaps she should talk to our in-house councillor. Sadly she has refused this, saying 'I'm not mental'!
It's really helpful hearing other people's experiences and I feel I can now approach her in a different way. My biggest fear is that she may harm herself or worse. My elder daughter has spoken with her and she does not appear to be thinking that way, so I feel I can relax on that thought.

Thanks again Eloise x

[EloiseintheSun]

Hi Nina - does your DD feel able to talk to someone else - could her GP be persuaded to refer her for counseling? Maybe it's not for her right now. I'm pretty sure it's not for everyone but at least it's something you can be thinking about, as obviously you have been. I've read on this forum that Young Minds is very good and helpful to both young people and their parents - //www.youngminds.org.uk

There's a parents' helpline, as you can see.

Thinking about the school - could there, has there been an approach couched in practical terms ie about her resuming her studies when she's ready? Perhaps your DD needs to know that there is a place to go to when she's ready to study again - though she may prefer a sixth form/FE college by that time? My DS was at sea for some weeks and the one thing that would have alleviated his anxiety was knowing that his school wanted him back ..

It's good that your other DD has been talking frankly to younger DD. With us, it's much the same - older DS has a way of getting through to his younger brother that I seem to have lost or perhaps it's just because they're nearer in age.

Take care of yourself. Again, your DD surrounded by all this love, well, that's half the battle - at least!

[Nina61]

Eloise, Today she asked if I can arrange with school for her to study a home - she is 18 and about to do a-levels. The pressure has mounted over a few months. She admitted today that she is scared to leave the house, so we are going to work on that, at least she told me.
Our GP offered her a councillor but she totally refuses - she did open up a little bit to a close friend of mine last night, so my friend is going to be on the end of the phone/text for her.
I know it'll take time and every little step will help.
xx

[AwfulMaureen]

Nina It would be a good idea for you to post on the Home Education board here on MN...they're great over there and they'll be full of advice. In the meantime look at this website

education otherwise I bet there's a section which discusses HE at your DDs stage...ie A levels. It's an excellent resource.