Should we let dd (13) keep having days off?

[badasahatter]

Dd just turned 13 and this last couple of months she has been uncharacteristically poorly. It's not constant, so I am perhaps less worried than I would be if it were, but it is regular and frequent. It seems to be Thursdays and Fridays in particular.

She hasn't started her periods. I did think it was tiredness and it could be still but what do I do?

There are no apparent problems. It doesn't link to lessons she doesn't like. She never actually throws up, just feels sick. Her nutrition is not great as she has a self-restricted diet but that isn't changing any time soon.

What do I do? Do I take her to the Doctors? Make her go to school? Please help...I'm not used to poorliness.

[TheNightIsDark]

Unless she's vomiting I would send her in tbh.

[RhondaJean]

Doctors for a starter definitely. And school gets prioritised so if she possibly can shes there even if she comes home and goes straight to bed.

My 14 yo has had a few stomach problems lately so I sympathise.

[badasahatter]

Thanks for the responses. She is being taken to school by her dad as I type, very sulky but upright and not vomitting. I felt a bit of a witch this morning for telling her she can't keep missing school or coming home early. That sometimes you have to fight through not feeling well and collapse when you get home. Mind you, tonight she has a piano lesson and she has to go as it's a new teacher and we've already missed 1 lesson out of 3. She is not missing another! Feeling very witchy. If she is poorly again next week I will take her to the doctors but I am a bit reluctant to do so now as I am an older mum, dd is a PFB and only child and I don't want to fuss.

[ThreeBeeOneGee]

I would suggest:

Cutting down on any extra activities on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, in case those are tiring her out.

Bringing her bedtime a bit earlier, and improving sleep by removing gadgets from the bedroom and having the hour before bedtime be screen-free.

Possibly giving her a vitamin supplement in the short term.

Explaining that unless she is physically ill, it's better to go to school. If the nausea is caused by anxiety, then avoiding school will reinforce the anxiety in the long term.

Have you looked at her timetable to see whether she is worried about particular lessons on Thursdays and Fridays?
Once a child has missed some school, it's hard for them to go back in and catch up, which can cause anxiety (headaches, stomach aches, nausea, dizziness). If they then miss more school because the anxiety stops them going in, then the problem becomes bigger.

[MrsBright]

Our daughter went through a phase of doing this. She was always 'better' by about 10am, and eventually I just got fed up with it. It turned out it was mild bullying/friendship issues. I made an appointment with her Head of Year who was excellent and quickly sorted the problems out.

The 'self-restricted diet' and 'not going to school' sound like classic 'control' tactics to me. Might be time for a visit to female GP and a referral to adolescent counselling. If you don't, all of this will probably just escalate.

[TheNightIsDark]

I used to do it because I wanted a day off and DM was a soft touch

[lljkk]

Describe her self-restricted diet, please?
Quavers and orange juice only? Or just doesn't eat meat?

[yomellamoHelly]

Her diet strikes me. Would look for a good multi-vitamin to boost her B vits in particular. Also maybe vitamin D. How much red meat does she have?

[pist]

Good advice from other posters.

Would definitely make sure you take her to GP to make sure that there isn't an actual medical issue. If you suspect the problem might not be physical as such, it might even be useful if you make a telephone appointment with the GP first, to talk issues through without your dd present, before bringing her in.

Also, does her school have a school nurse? if it does, it might be useful having a chat with her(/him) - she will be very used to girls at that age and better at recognising school issues - and it can be useful to ask you dd to go the nurse if she doesn't feel well

[lljkk]

yeah but Teenagers are moody sods at best of times. Insufficient info.

[Claybury]

Once she has decided not to go to school on a particular day does she appear poorly to you? What does she do at home ?
When my DC's are off school I try to make the day very dull, and make them do homework, nothing fun. Does she appear to enjoy her days at home ? I'm trying to find out if she's relieved not go to in.
Maybe say to her if she is not well enough to go school any day in future you will take her to the GP.
I expect missing school can become a habit. I generally say if no raised temperature you must go in- as a back up you say if she feels so bad once in she can go to school nurse sand go home if necessary.

[TheDoctorsNewKidneys]

When it's the same days every week, it suggests something linked to those days. Are you sure there isn't a class or a teacher or an activity she only does at the end of the week? Or people on the bus/walk to school that she only sees on those days? It sounds like she might be being bullied or she's worried about something specific.

When you let her stay at home, what does she do? Sleep? Watch TV? Laze around on the internet? I personally think you need to send her in. She has her GCSE's coming up and can't afford to miss school so regularly. Also, too many days off will get flagged by the school and you could get reported to the council for her poor attendance.

My parents had the rule of "no D&V or fever, then you go to school". If I was then sick at school or the nurse thought I should go home, they came and picked me up, but I think that only happened 2 or 3 times. I was normally fine once I was actually at school and in classes. Without any other symptoms, "feeling sick" isn't a good reason to stay home.

I also suggest going to the doctor about her diet.

[cory]

could it be anxiety related? my dd used to throw up at a definite time every evening- nothing to do with what happened at that particular time, just that's when her stress levels got unbearably high

it got so we could set our clocks by it: I remember a conversation with her little brother in the car when we had set off after school and upset his usual routine:

-how long have we been travelling? is it bedtime yet?

-no, not bedtime. not for a while yet.

• is it suppertime?

-yes a little past suppertime

-has dsis been sick yet?

She also used to sleep all day if I let her stay at home: I learnt that extreme sleepiness can be a stress symptom.

[badasahatter]

Thanks for all the responses. They are definitely food for thought. The restricted diet has been ongoing from around 9 months old. She eats beige food, predominantly, but will eat raw carrots and cucumber. She eats apples, melon, raspberries and has fruit every day. Also peppers. I looked at getting help for her diet and there was a list of foods to check against. She had around 21 different foods she would eat, which put her over the limit for help. She eats plenty, but not a wide variety. School lunch is generally dry French bread, an apple and a chocolate brownie. She has rice krispies and milk for breakfast. Chips or dry pasta for tea, gammon or chicken or goats cheese. No sauces, limited variety. I don't flag this as an issue because it's her life. I have tried to address it numerous times on this forum and with the GP but get told either 'it's not as bad as you think' or 'you've caused this problem by being indulgent' and 'starve her...that'll sort her out'. I don't really think the food issue is overly to blame, apart from the fact that her lunches at school are cause for worry. Will be trying hard to encourage her to do packed lunch and multi-vits.

Monday/Tuesday/Wednesday she currently doesn't do any activities. She did do football, but the sessions are off and on depending on the teacher and their inclination to do them. She is usually in bed for 8.30pm and the lights are off between 9 and 9.30pm. She reads before bed, but sometimes does have trouble sleeping. No gadgets in the bedroom.

I've double/triple checked about concerns. We just had her birthday party and she has a fab bunch of friends. They call themselves the library nerds. She embraces her nerdery and her friends equally. She is strong, so doesn't take any nonsense from anyone.

She has piano on a Thursday evening and doesn't like it, so I'm guessing that may be having an effect on Thursdays.

When she's off sick, she's a couch potato. She'll watch tv and read but is happy to stay scrunched up on the sofa with a blanket. I do think it's a little bit of laziness.

She is moody, but we are generally quite open about issues. She hates some lessons, but not overly. She has recently fallen out with someone at school, but she says she isn't bothered about it. She doesn't like the person and is stuck with her and she puts up with her. She's philosophical about things.

She's private, so she wouldn't necessarily tell me everything but I do think (hope) she would tell me if there were problems. She has seemed happier generally. I think it's psychological and I think she's trying it on a bit. I suspect she feels a bit off, maybe with body changing, but isn't so ill she needs to work. Being a part time worker, I've been able to sort out most of her off days/early days. But today I explained that if she's ill this frequently, she needs to see a doctor. That if she has time off it will have implications. That if she is so ill, school will let me know.

I really appreciate the feedback and am sorry for the war and peace response, but I wanted to answer everyone as I really appreciate the feedback and it may make someone say 'ah, it's clearly this'. I am perhaps too close and too precious with her, though I try really hard not to be! It's only been going on for 6 weeks and part of me thinks I need to wait and see if it improves with a toughened up attitude. If not, if I get a call from school again today, it's definitely time for a chat with school and the doctors. Thanks again for the responses.

[badasahatter]

I meant isn't so ill she needs to be off school.

[ThreeBeeOneGee]

I'm going to go against the grain and say that she should be allowed to drop piano. DS1 (nearly 14) has recently stopped after having lessons for over five years. He had stopped enjoying it and I only have the energy to fight the battles that are important. Stopping his piano lessons has had a positive effect on our family life, as well as on my relationship with him.

I realise that with your daughter, it isn't just about the piano, but it would be one less pressure on her.

[Floralnomad]

I would also pack in the piano lessons . I have a 14 yr old with an equally restricted diet ( probably a little more so) and what your dd eats wouldn't particularly concern me .I would however go to the GP ,my dd started on a similar pattern at 11 and eventually was diagnosed with coeliac disease and CFS ( unconnected to the coeliacs) , if I had taken things more seriously at the beginning we may be in a very different place now .

[ThreeBeeOneGee]

I'm going to go against the grain and say that she should be allowed to drop piano. DS1 (nearly 14) has recently stopped after having lessons for over five years. He had stopped enjoying it and I only have the energy to fight the battles that are important. Stopping his piano lessons has had a positive effect on our family life, as well as on my relationship with him.

I realise that with your daughter, it isn't just about the piano, but it would be one less pressure on her.

[ThreeBeeOneGee]

I'm going to go against the grain and say that she should be allowed to drop piano. DS1 (nearly 14) has recently stopped after having lessons for over five years. He had stopped enjoying it and I only have the energy to fight the battles that are important. Stopping his piano lessons has had a positive effect on our family life, as well as on my relationship with him.

I realise that with your daughter, it isn't just about the piano, but it would be one less pressure on her.

[hardtostayfocused]

This is a bit obvious so you've probably thought of it... but her diet sounds iron deficient - could she be anaemic?

[MyNameIsKenAdams]

Cut piano and make sock days dull - bed only, no tv, no gadgets. Too ill for school = too ill to be out of bed.

[noots]

I used to fake illness because I was being bullied at school.
I used to say I had stomach pains and felt sick. I did it so much I did feels ill but not with stomach pains.
I was sent to hospital as GP thought it was appendicitis, but the consultant knew it wasn't. A scan revealed I had a small cyst in my stomach and I saw a paediatrician who told my Mum on several occasions he thought it was psychosomatic. My Mum got really angry and said I wouldn't lie and I was ill.
I ended up having two quite painful operations to drain the cyst.
I had lots of very good friends but was still bullied. I told a head of year but she told me it was because the bullies were jealous and if I didn't want attention I should think about answering questions in class and not wear make up at school.
It all came to a head when the bullies paid an older boy to trap me on the bus so I missed the stop my friend and I got off at and they cornered me on the way home and attacked me. My arm was broken and I was black and blue, I wouldn't cry so they said they would carry on until I did. It was only that my friends brother walked past and broke it up.
My parents couldn't believe I was being bullied as I seemed so happy and confident at home.

[noots]

Sorry not answering questions in class