sick of playing bad cop

[midlakefan]

I didn't even know what to put as the subject line for this, where do I even start? My DD is 16 and pretty much lives in her room chatting to her
boyfriend, she's becoming increasingly selfish and self centred, and yes I know this is a teen thing, but whenever I try and discipline her she just smirks at me and runs to her Dad, who rarely ever disciplines her. I work full time but my partner doesn't and he tells me i'm never in the house so I can't come in and try and discipline them (I also have a 14 yr old DD)
This evening I sat them both down to explain to them that they both needed to pull their weight a bit more blah blah blah and tried to keep the talk democratic but it went wrong and I got upset so let both girls go upstairs. I ended up crying and coming upstairs to get 5 mins but partner followed me up (as usual) telling me where i'd gone wrong so of course we argued. I just don't know what to do. I'm really lenient with the girls and value their growing independence and opinions and yes I do work full time but does that really mean I have to relinquish all right to put them on the right path? For the record I do try and chat with them too. I'm trying so hard to get the balance right but I feel so used and under appreciated. I feel like getting in the car and just driving somewhere, I feel like it's just my bank card that'd be missed. And yes, I do realise how whingey I sound! I just need to talk to someone who isn't going to tell me where i'm going wrong then ask me for money straight after

[Dromedary]

Can you have a serious discussion with your partner about what the ground rules should be and how the girls will be disciplined? Isn't the basic rule in a 2 parent family that both parents should be on the same page where discipline is concerned, and not undermine each other?

[MrsBright]

Ask him to put the boot on the other foot - if it were him out at work all day, would he feel excluded if he was told to back off all the time? Would he feel patronised if he was constantly told he was 'doing it wrong'?

[What is it about men and POWER?]

[cory]

to be fair, MrsBright, I don't think it is about men and power: I know plenty of SAHM's who speak as if the household and family was something only they had the magical powers to understand (my mother being a case in point)

but whatever it is, it is unattractive

definitely time for a chat with your dh, OP

you need to discuss ground rules calmly and agree beforehand on what goes and how you react in certain situations

could it be that your partner feels that he does the work all day and then you come in and undermine him by trying to install totally different rules?

you do sound rather rigid about putting them "on the right path"- could he be taking that as implying that his discipline is not the right path?

if you were at home and he was at work, how would you like him to approach this situation? that should be the way to go- a way that allows you to have an equal say but does not undermine either of you in the eyes of the girls

[MissScatterbrain]

Its your DH that you need to tackle...he needs to grow up and stop being a disney dad.

[cory]

Then again, MissScatterbrain, do we know the dh is being a disney dad. Supposing roles were reversed and the OP wrote that she works part time and is home with the girls for more of the time and feels she is managing discipline well but that her partner keeps coming home and suddenly trying to impose stricter discipline because, as he says, he wants to keep them on the right path- would we immediately accuse her of being a disney mum?

[MissScatterbrain]

Fair point - I get the impression because "he rarely ever disciplines".

[cory]

I wonder if this isn't a situation that could be resolved just by a few quiet talks between the parents well out of earshot of the girls, setting out a general plan and trying to work out a compromise between the two parenting styles.

[MissScatterbrain]

Yes they need to present a united front and not have these disagreements while the girls are around.