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[TapasGirl]

I really need some good advice please.

DS is 13 and during his school life has generally struggled with relationships. Falling out with people, being accused of nastiness, fighting etc. for which he has been in a lot of trouble (quite rightly -at school).

When he was younger the school suggested he was ‘quirky’ but nobody could put their finger on exactly what the issue was.

He doesn’t think about consequences; has to be Mr Popular and the class clown at times. He doesn’t seem to be able to make good close friendships (in with the loud crowd) and is reluctant to go to people’s houses for sleepovers etc. Always been the same which I have never forced, because I want him to feel secure in who he is. I see a boy who has low self-esteem, craves certain people’s acceptance and as I say doesn’t think of consequences of his actions.

The problem now is that he has been involved with 3 girls at school and playing them up against each other. One of the girls in particular, has been very controlling with who he can and can't talk to a times but think he has behaved in a similar manner to her.

As a result the girls have fallen out over the past year and things have got very nasty between them - vile things said on facebook (between the girls) and generally very bitchy towards each other.

I was called in yesterday to be told by the Head that DS has been accused by the three girls of behaving inappropriately (trying to kiss/touch them when they don’t want him to) and getting in their space.
The school have interviewed other people too and they have reported that this is how he has behaved. We are devastated for him as he will now be perceived as some kind of sexual pervert as it is the top news of the school.

Last night he was so upset (as was I) and doesn’t understand why the girls have reported this now. He said they were laughing and joking yesterday and then he was called into the heads office with this. He denies being in their space, touching/kissing etc.

We went through his facebook last night which was fine and not much to report only one of the girls saying she couldn’t wait to make out with him and another saying now he is 13 she would have to ‘deal’ with him. On the bus home last night another girl told him that one of the girls felt pressured by the others to make accusations which she felt were unjust but was not prepared to say anything and didn't want to get involved.

I know he isn’t the innocent party and again he hasn’t thought about the consequences of his behaviour but I do believe there hasn’t been some provocation from the girls and a mis-understanding on his part due to naivety.

The school have told me that he is extremely popular with the girls which hasn’t gone in his favour. So what can I do now? I can’t talk to anyone about this as I am so ashamed and embarrassed and don’t want him to be judged by everyone. DH too close for us to have an objective conversation.

How can I help him going forward. I would like him to have some counselling about his need to be admired by his peers and his lack of understanding about consequences of behaviour but don’t know where to start. Should I change schools ? but the problem will go with him!

Feeling really low and in need of some guidance. Please be gentle as I am in a bad place, feel a crap mum and incredibly sad for my child.

Thank you for listening.

[chocoluvva]

I'm sure you're not a "crap mum". And your DS is at a difficult age where friendships are often fickle.

His school will have to take the girls' allegations seriously and be seen to be taking them seriously, but they will be aware that lots of 13YO girls love to create a drama and say nasty things.

It sounds like your DS is an easy target with his late development of some of the more subtle social skills. Does he wear his heart on his sleeve?

Is he an only child by the way? (Sometimes older siblings/cousins can be very helpful at a time like this.)

What does he enjoy/have a talent for outside of school? Could he take part in a group activity with different people to minimise the time he spends thinking and being upset by these girls?

If he can manage to feign a casual indifference to these girls and pretend to be annoyed with them for potentially getting him into a lot of trouble rather than being upset with them for their betrayal, he'll make himself seem less of an easy target IYSWIM. Sorry - I don't know how to explain myself well.

Try not to let him dwell on the behaviour of these girls. He needs to find other things to gain self-esteem from. On the other hand, it would be worth telling him that 13YO girls often behave the way these girls have done because they too are insecure. Hopefully they'll be nicer in a few years.

[antshouse]

I doubt he will be branded a pervert if the girls are the same age.
You need to print off the Facebook comments though as proof that sometimes these girls are encouraging some of his behaviour or at least giving him confusing messages.
I hope its all sorted out soon.

[TapasGirl]

Thank you both so much for your useful comments. Do you think I'm over reacting? The school he goes to is small and I sometimes think he would be better off in the local comp as there would be different types of personalities which may suit him but he hates change and not sure what that would do to him.
I will take the FB comments into school just so they can speak to the girls about how their comments may be perceived.
I feel so sorry for him as he seems very confused - thinking he is mr popular one minute and then being treated like this the next. I do understand that his behaviour may have been perceived as inappropriate and he is no angel I just want to help him blend into school.

He is a good footballer (just given up Saturday club) and a keen runner but he just wants to be the centre of attention. May be this is a good lesson in life? There is a lot of drama at the school and as one of the girls mothers works there it just makes everything seem so much worse as all the parents get to hear about the ins and outs.
Thanks of listening, really helped.

[chocoluvva]

I think you need to tread a very fine line between being supportive but not making too much out of this incident and therefore fuelling his (understandable) upset.

Ultimately your aim is to have him focus more on other things eg leisure interests and achieving his goals.