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are we suggesting moving house or cutting her head off???

(33 Posts)
ShadowOfTheDay Sat 18-Jan-14 08:59:03

We dared to suggest we may move house sometime... we have lived here since before the kids were born, but now they are getting older and want their own rooms and privacy we thought we would look at moving....

Not moving far, not moving schools, not moving away from where their friends live.... just somewhere a bit bigger with some more space for us all...

You would have thought we were torturing DD13 the amount of screaming that came out of her when she saw us looking at zoopla..... TOTALLY over the top.. "I hate you, this is my home I don't ever want to move" etc etc.. on and on for nearly an hour.....

Anyone got any advice for how to deal with this?

NeedANamePlease Sat 18-Jan-14 09:04:15

With a smile. Seriously. You can't argue with her so you need to let her get on with it until she's calmed down.

When she has, then is the time to "sell" it to her. Try to get her excited and interested. She probably feels her whole world will change and it makes her feel insecure.

specialsubject Sat 18-Jan-14 10:47:39

it is the end of the world when you are 13...teenagers have different brains.

just smile and ignore, (same as toddler tantrums) not like she gets a choice anyway. When she has calmed down, remind her that her needs will be very much part of the choice of the new house, and of the advantages. But don't tell her that she gets to choose, because she doesn't.

secretscwirrels Sat 18-Jan-14 11:28:57

Ah I remember a conversation with DS1 (18) not long ago. He commented that it would be terrible if we ever moved, even after he had left home hmm. I was quite surprised, we live in the sticks, moved here 25 years ago, it's not very teenage friendly and I wish we had moved years ago.

GraduallyGoingInsane Sat 18-Jan-14 11:42:54

It's hard I think. We are contemplating moving, including a move of school (the only alternative being boarding for DD2/3 - DD1 will have finished and DD4 moves to secondary then anyway). We haven't discussed this yet, but fully expect hysteria if and when we do.

The home seems to be part of their identity but hopefully engaging them in discussion about the new house, letting them come to viewings etc will make it easier.

No real advice I'm afraid, but sympathy as we are in a similar boat.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime Sat 18-Jan-14 11:51:07

At 13 I remember bursting into tears because while I was at school Mum painted the hideous yellow sitting room door white. "Everything's changing all the time" I sobbed through my teenage hormones. I can still remember feeling astonished that I was so upset, but I also felt the world was running out of my control and this was the last straw.

PumpkinPie2013 Sat 18-Jan-14 11:51:32

Oh dear! Give her time and then talk with her again. Point out the advantages to her of moving e.g. her own room, able to choose decor (within reason of course) etc.

Make sure you take her along to any house viewings so she feels involved.

I suppose a house move when you're thirteen is a big change but she'll come round.

ShadowOfTheDay Sat 18-Jan-14 12:23:39

sooooooooooooooooooo glad it is normal - was beginning to wonder if we were the worst parents in the whole world for wanting to move - will take the advice on board though..

it is a big change, hopefully it will go well... I can just imagine the "I told you........." shouts if not... <weary smile emoticon> smile

bruffin Sat 18-Jan-14 12:29:30

My dd got really upset about us getting a new dining room table, lord knows how she would have reacted about moving house.
My mum still tells me how upset she was at moving house at 11. She is 76 now. She was getting a pony and 4 acres of land to roam about. She still thought it was the end of the world.

Lancelottie Sat 18-Jan-14 12:31:17

DS blew up at me about changing the kitchen curtain. We're talking about 1 sq m of fabric here.

ShadowOfTheDay Sat 18-Jan-14 12:34:23

hahahaha - you lot have cheered me up no end....

seems it is just about "change" then.... not the actual end of her world.....

MrsBright Sat 18-Jan-14 13:42:12

Teenage girls love DRAMA.

What this about is control (and her lack of it) not actually about you moving house at all. She hopes that she can impede your decision by bellowing and flouncing, and thereby prove how important she is.

Just ignore it.

secretscwirrels Sat 18-Jan-14 14:22:24

[Lancelottie] Ha ha. Yes I have been met with horror when I moved the furniture around in the kitchen.
"You know I don't like change!"

flow4 Sat 18-Jan-14 15:50:07

My two boys (14 and 18) were not happy about moving. We haven't moved far, but cross-country so it means they're two bus journeys away from old friends, and in DS2's case, his dad too. He has changed schools as well...

Now we have settled here, and they both agree it's worth it. They like the house - after all, people don't generally choose a new house they think is worse than the old one, do they?! DS2 likes his new school better and is making friends. We're closer to town and DS1 managed to get a p-t job, which he couldn't do before.

People often don't like change. Teenagers are no exception, and they're more likely to let you know it! But once the change has happened, they're usually fine. smile Good luck!

DalmationDots Tue 21-Jan-14 00:06:54

I mentioned to DD about moving recently, not even for definite, just an option - almost a hypothetical situation. She is 21 and at uni so doesn't even live here! The situation was to move to basically the next town along, about 30 mins away.
She really freaked out and said how she doesn't want to move from our house. I think it is a weird psychological thing. She just said imagine not having Christmas here and not being able to just pop into Xtown to do shopping..
Once I said yes, but we could still drive to Xtown to shop and there would also be Ytown's shops that we could walk to. And almost reassured her that it would soon become normal and feel just as like 'home' she was fine.

It definitely challenges young people's identity and feeling of security. They can get really attached to houses and the memories there.

ShadowOfTheDay Tue 21-Jan-14 08:56:35

sounds like a common thing then....

I can't imagine her coming down about this - but we will get there eventually I guess.... still need to get THIS house up to a saleable level first.. it is in such a state we would maybe get £2.50 for it!!!

craggyhollow Tue 21-Jan-14 09:04:37

Think it might be quite common at 13/14

Dd14 is super confident but last night said she was scared of the idea of uni as it was so far from home

She said going to school was far enough - school is a 20 minute drive away confused

50ShadesofGreyMatter Wed 22-Jan-14 07:08:13

I remember when my parents sold the "family home". I was married with children and living abroad but I still hated it and felt that they shouldn't be selling "my home", so there you go, not just teenagers and I bet I'm not the only adult who has felt that way grin

quirrelquarrel Thu 23-Jan-14 09:03:23

I burst into tears all the time over tiny changes when I was circa your daughter's age! Once when my grandmother suggested throwing away my scruffy old shoes. Another time when my mum wanted to move my wardrobe two inches to the left in my room.

I just remember not even thinking about it, the tears were an instant reaction, it was like there were two halves to my brain all the time- rational and very bouncy HORMONES. Promise I wasn't doing it to manipulate. It was a very real reaction, I totally totally understand your daughter's being upset. It must be a shock to her as well, anyway.

quirrelquarrel Thu 23-Jan-14 09:04:54

MrsBright have you ever been a teenage girl? cos that's not what it's about. There's no plan in place!

NorbertDentressangle Thu 23-Jan-14 09:16:28

Teenage DDs and their hormones...I feel your pain wink.

Can you subtly start watching programmes that might make her think differently about a house move and how she might enjoy the changes?

My DD loves watching house renovation programmes, right from the basic ones that makeover a room right through to Grand Designs type projects - she (in her mind) has already planned what her future home will look like, the decor, the layout, the kitchen etc. In fact each week we go through the property bit of the local paper and pick out our ideal home and try and guess each others favourite. If we ever moved she would be sad to leave our house as we all love it, but at the same time would like the excitement of a new blank canvas to make our home.

Also remind her that what's important to her ie. her family, her personal effects, sentimental belongings will still be with her even if you move.

kelper Thu 23-Jan-14 09:22:09

Oh heavens, my ds is 6 and he's a drama queen already! We swopped bedrooms with him 2 years ago and he still tells me he hated the change! Heaven help me when he gets to be a teenager!
Although my parents sold our family home when I was 21, and I can still remember crying as we left sad I think they did it deliberately because I never felt the new house was my home and moved out 6 months later!

ShadowOfTheDay Thu 23-Jan-14 09:28:47

I think the trouble is I'm the opposite..... I have itchy feet - when I was young we moved with Dad's work, so I've NEVER lived in one place as long as I have here..... it is a lovely home... hubby proposed to me in the kitchen, we came back here after our wedding with all our families scrunched up together in the living room - some very joyful times..... and both the kids have been brought up here - now 11 and 13.... but it is small... they need a room of their own, the dog needs some space in the garden...

She knows all this, and wants her own room and a bigger garden - she just wants it HERE.. to be honest so do I sometimes....

Ehhn Thu 23-Jan-14 09:30:24

I threatened to run away if my mum a) got married b) had another child or c) we moved house. Unfortunately she didn't have mumsnet to make her see sense. Although we did move house (to a place with land/ponies which was heaven, even thoug I cried right the way Up until moving) she took me at my word on marriage and stayed single for 25 years and I had left home. I still feel really guilty.

Madmog Thu 23-Jan-14 09:40:47

My daughter is 12 and we have just put our house up for sale. Luckily she is okay with this, but I think it's due to the fact all her friends have 3/4 bed rooms whereas we only have a two bed house and she's conscious of this.

One thing I would say is that it's easy to get carried away with the whole moving thing and planning and if you're not careful that's all you do, talk about it. So try to limit what you say in front of your daughter. You might be busy trying to tidy, declutter over the next few weeks, but allow time for doing something fun with her.

Also, we've looked at three houses - one we didn't take our daughter to and she wasn't happy about this as we quite liked it and she was annoyed she didn't know what we were talking about when we referred to alterations, her bedroom etc, so do give your daughter the chance to view. We've now found a really nice house (if we can sell our own) and my daughter's bedroom will be smaller, but we've pointed out we'll have two spare rooms downstairs which she and her friends can use without us having to be in the room (like we are now!) and this is a real plus for her, so do try and think of the pluses if you see something, ie it's nearer a friend, bedroom bigger, friends can come for sleepovers more often, not so far to walk to school, whatever you can think of.

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