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I don't feel I know dd sometimes, is this normal?

(23 Posts)
Dancergirl Thu 26-Dec-13 19:33:47

I need some advice from experienced teen parents!

Dd1 is 12.5, 13 in May and the oldest of 3 girls. She has always been a lovely child, generally well behaved and a pleasure to have around. However in the last year or so she's become quite insular and I don't know what's going on in her head. I'm also seeing another side of that I don't like. For example, snippy comments directed at her sisters, pettiness with dd1 over hair bands, who's sitting where etc. She can be a bit nasty at times which is new for her.

Another thing - she mumbles something under her breath, I say pardon as I can't hear her, she says 'nothing'. What's that all about?

Is this my introduction to teen behaviour??

I'm hoping this is all normal but how do I handle her? Do you pick up on each rude comment or let some things go? I didn't have a great relationship with my own mum growing up so really want to get things right.

lljkk Thu 26-Dec-13 22:01:11

Choose your battles. Flash back to toddler rules.

mrsjay Fri 27-Dec-13 11:15:40

oh yes pick your battles dont go into big rows over snippy comments justtell her off . I found 12 to 15 the hardest with dd1 sorry to say that but it was just hard, I let her mutter and mumble didn't push to hard to get her to talk to me and tell her you love her loads, you will get there in the end, dd1 is nearly 21 now we get on great, dd2 seems different natured and she was never like that although can strop and be very over dramtic

thornrose Fri 27-Dec-13 11:22:39

If it's not too personal has she started her periods yet? Could it be PMT?

My dd is 14 and it's certainly been a roller coaster so far grin

I would let her mutter too, you probably wouldn't really want to know!

I have recently discovered that dd likes a bit of babying? It's quite odd but kind of makes sense, it's scary growing up.

mrsjay Fri 27-Dec-13 11:24:33

yes they do like to be nurtured and there there'd but they can't show they like it hmm

thornrose Fri 27-Dec-13 11:30:49

Complex little darlings aren't they?

Mine is in bed snoring and looks about 6 years old right now. I wonder what mood she'll be in when she wakes grin

mrsjay Fri 27-Dec-13 11:34:06

oh aye complex grin dd2 is still zedding she is going to town later so she will be up soon humphing about her hair

HandragsNGladbags Fri 27-Dec-13 11:34:52

I used to be HORRIBLE to my DM. But however much we shouted she would always come and give me a cuddle afterwards and tell me she loved me.

It really is the whole pushing boundaries whist still feeling secure. Like a PP said, just like a toddler!

mrsjay Fri 27-Dec-13 11:36:34

I used to be the mum who said NO you can't do that as sometimes they want us to say NO and for them to save face with their friends and mums to be the bad guy

Dollydishus Fri 27-Dec-13 11:39:24

Very normal IMHO. My lovely little girl seems to have moved out and been replaced by a raging hormonal woman. All gangly, spots, periods, grumbling, muttering, spats with siblings over nothing, tears, stomping off to bedroom in a huff etc. All quite bewildering to us and to her too, I think.

Ignore 99% of it. Do not get into arguments, they go nowhere except downhill rapidly. Quiet, private tellings-off so not embarrassed on front of others. Hugs. Compliments. Nice food. Snuggle under a blanket with a hot water bottle for period pain and PMT.

Not that I'm an expert...just I'm on the second teen now, and not making quite such a hash if it as first time round!

And YY to poster who said about toddlers. It's toddler stage all over again but with a bigger body, more attitude and some choice vocabulary!

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Fri 27-Dec-13 11:41:37

Pretty normal for some children/teens - not all, but not unusual.

Frankly, I'd have triplet two year olds over 1 hormonal teen - anytime.

You have to find the fine line between ignoring/treating them like toddlers and maintaining control/the upperhand. You can't let them treat you like crap and 'get away' with being horrible, but at the same time you have to try to maintain a good relationship with them... it's hard, but you aren't alone.

thornrose Fri 27-Dec-13 11:43:27

I try really hard to keep my sense of humour too. We were literally scrapping like 2 children over the laptop yesterday. Dd suddenly burst out laughing and so did I. I was still a bit pissed off deep down but I let it go.

Dollydishus Fri 27-Dec-13 11:44:33

YY agree that they still need very firm boundaries as as chipping and mrsjay have said.

But save it for the big issues, not the small stuff. Don't brush your hair and wear 3 day old clothes because your are grumpy...fine. Stay out all night when you are 14.... Absolutely not.

Dwerf Fri 27-Dec-13 11:45:26

She sounds exactly like mine, who is the same age. As others have said, pick your battles, dispense lots of love an try to remember that it's only a phase.

My oldest daughter was a nightmare at this age. At 20 she's one of my best friends. Hang in there smile

thornrose Fri 27-Dec-13 11:48:03

I have made sure that whatever dd dishes out and whatever we go through she knows without a doubt when no means no.

bruffin Fri 27-Dec-13 11:48:50

If you ever go to the Anne Frank museum there is a bit of film at the end of her Dad
He says he was really surprised how little he knew about her even though due to their situation they were was closer than most father and dds

NoComet Fri 27-Dec-13 12:05:10

I don't know, DD1(15) refuses to be a teenager, thinks it all a total waste of time.

DD2(12 and 10months) has been practicing since she was 6. She's very much one for wanting to be grown up, not talking much, then suddenly telling you things and wanting a hug. She's been very huggy since going to senior school, she finds the long days hard work.

She does try a bit of teen attitude and answering back, but her horrible mother just sends her to her room. Minor horribleness tends to be ignored or causes me and DD1 to giggle, it's really very hard to be taken terribly seriously when you've always been the one who grumps.

She will be vile when her periods start, as she is the worlds worst patient, if it hurts we will all know about it.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Fri 27-Dec-13 12:22:24

Hello from the far side of the terrible time.

You will need: tissues, assertiveness training, tranks, yoga training, bulk Feminax, four hot water bottles (tummy, back, feet and hands), A SENSE OF HUMOUR, a united front, Germolene for the piercings, a meat cleaver to show the boyfriends, phone tracking switched on, a locked down router, and unconditional love.

The reward? Mine's downstairs singing while she does the housework spontaneously. Every so often she runs up and kisses my bald patch.

thornrose Fri 27-Dec-13 12:30:31

What are tranks do I need to get some? fwink

thornrose Fri 27-Dec-13 12:30:56

Oh duh, ignore me!

comingintomyown Fri 27-Dec-13 13:58:32

Well my sense of humour is very stretched and actually the muttering stage is better than the shouting out loud at you

My 14 yo DDs complete selfishness and lack of consideration for anyone even her lovely grandparents is what makes me feel sad and in all honesty quite ashamed of her at times

I have read so many times people feeling this way and how they become lovely well honestly I can't see it

Dancergirl Fri 27-Dec-13 15:01:08

Thanks, glad to hear I'm not alone smile

It's all just come so quickly, I've got a 6 year old, I don't feel ready for the teen years yet!

She's well into puberty, periods started last year, I know hormones play a huge part.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Fri 27-Dec-13 15:56:39


Blank stare, along with snatching and stealing? Constant lies? Hogging the remote?

What you do is reduce her choices until she can ONLY make the one you want. You have to do it unemotionally. Your body language should be neither hurried, nor weary. Occasionally, allow a faint smile to play across your lips at random intervals. With food, you may have to lock the fridge and larder. Meals are at set times outside special occasions. With money, you make sure this is never out of your sight. IT and entertainment are on your terms only. Hygiene: "can your friends smell you yet? I can". Timekeeping and presence: "X will happen at location Y, Time Z". Drunkenness is repaid with mild ridicule: my DB grounded his DD15, took DS11 to an amusement park and rang the hangover victim repeatedly emphasising the lovely time they were having.

Make no mistake, this is behavioural modification made much harder by the fact that punishment by the parents is worse than useless. It's based on privilege level. You might have to drop it as far as food, light, and heat.

And we had just the one.

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