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aibu to refuse to pay £3000 for my 16 year old daughter to go on a summer holiday?

(82 Posts)
caroleharolde Thu 26-Dec-13 15:20:39

An association with my daughters school takes the 16 year olds there on a month long trip around America for the summer. No bursaries are offered and most kids go on this tour and most have wealthy parents. If you could afford it would you allow your child on this? It would be a struggle for us to afford to pay and I don't want her to think that what normal people can afford to do as many of her friends are multi,millionaires

ChestnutsroastingintheFireligh Thu 26-Dec-13 15:22:08

No- we don't even spend that much in a family holiday

Both my children go to private schools & these ''life changing' trips are very common but mine will not bw taking part.

Earlybird Thu 26-Dec-13 15:30:33

Does she want to go?
How would she feel if she couldn't go?

Is it a private school? Asking because if it is, you / dh have chosen to send her to a place where her peers are dc of multi-millionaires. If that is her peer group, and most of them are going, I'd send her if I could manage it.

Perhaps you could get her to do some odd jobs / babysitting /etc to contribute (even if a small amount) so she understands what a special treat this is and how your family won't simply be blithely writing a cheque out of a huge bank account.

BackforGood Thu 26-Dec-13 15:52:33

Well it totally depends on your budget and how many dc you have.
If you mix in circles with multi millionaires, then this doesn't sound too bad value for a month, tbh, but if it's outside your budget then it doesn't matter if it was 10x that amount - it's irrelevant if you can't afford it. It's not a case of if YABU or not, it's a case of if you can afford it or not.

flow4 Thu 26-Dec-13 18:20:09

Of course you're not. smile

Lighthousekeeping Thu 26-Dec-13 18:24:41

My friends daughter is the same age and at private school. She knows not to even ask. Her out of school hobbies cost enough already. Although she is schooled with some rich children once the bell goes that's it.

Mind you, another friend paid over a grand for her daughter to go to Iceland for a week. Not a private school either. It makes three grand not sound so bad for a whole month!

livinginawinterwonderland Fri 27-Dec-13 07:03:46

I'm torn. You're absolutely not being unreasonable to think £3000 is a huge amount of money, but, you did choose to send her to private school, knowing she would be around kids whose parents can easily afford this kind of thing, and I think that's what a lot of people forget when they send to private school.

You don't just pay the fees and that's it, you have to think about expensive school trips, music lessons, etc. I think you do need to consider sending her - if it will absolutely bankrupt you and lead to you struggling to pay the mortgage/bills, then tell her no, but if it just means cutting back on luxuries for a few months, I think it would be worth considering - it sounds like an amazing experience and £3000 for a trip around America including flights and accomodation is actually pretty good value.

DziezkoDisco Fri 27-Dec-13 07:13:31

I disagree with the idea that because you sent her to a PS you need to keep up with everyone else.
It's a good lesson in life that you can't get everything, my 8 year old would have his own ipad/mobile/bedroom/xbox if we tried to keep up with his bestfriend.
I grew uo in a pretty rich area, but we weren't, I survived, and more importNtly I reaslised that y can't have everything in life, unless you can afford it.

Tiredemma Fri 27-Dec-13 07:25:23


Rich kids who think that they are entitled to everything grow up into adults who think they are entitled.

I think that you are setting an ideal boundary here.

yourcruisedirector Fri 27-Dec-13 07:35:32

YANBU. I know lots of teens, many privately educated, who have earned for trips like this. You could consider matching every £ she raises towards the trip, or asking her to earn and pay you back. But it's a lot of money and there will be other trips (many with more cultural/charitable/adventure potential than a trip to the US).

ChineseFireball Fri 27-Dec-13 07:41:31

I agree with Disco. I was privately educated and although I did a fair amount of extra curricular stuff including music lessons I didn't go on the big trips because we couldn't afford it. Yes it is a shame to miss it but that's sometimes how life happens. YANBU.

callamia Fri 27-Dec-13 07:52:34

I went to a private school under a scholarship scheme. I knew my parents couldn't afford to send me skiing or on all the trips, but they did send me on work-related trips (I have that all important A* in Latin to show for a trip to Rome...).

Three grand is an absolute load of money, and maybe it could be better spent on a family holiday? You could go to the states a few times for that much... I don't think your daughter will be hurt forever because she doesn't go - I'm sure that she realised just how much money it is for the family.

IrisWildthyme Fri 27-Dec-13 08:16:23

that is certainly a huge amount of money - but whether YABU depends on what your available budget for a family holiday would be, and whether you have other DC. also on how much she wants to go.

If she would otherwise be coming with you on a family holiday, which you therefore have without her while she is away, you could calculate what you would otherwise spend on her if she didn't go (including costs of flights and other fares, the saving that you'll make having smaller accomodation, all food (including food for the weeks when you'll be at home npt on holiday) and any day trips, theatre trips etc you might normally do over the summer) and consider giving her that - maybe that might be an appreciable chunk of the cost, depending on what normal is for you - IF it would be remotely feasible for her to earn the rest between now and the summer, or perhaps over the next 18months/2yearsifits that impprtant to her and you can loan it to her.

however, if it wouldn't be feasible to reach the required amount between now and then in this way, YWNBU to say no, and she will survive.

NumptyNameChange Fri 27-Dec-13 08:21:16

i think what i'd resent about it most would be the stupidity of spending that much money on a group trip that would/could only be artificially 'life changing' or genuine iyswim. it's like a very expensive travel simulator.

save the 3k for when they're older and have several months to spare re: between school and uni or the end of first year at uni. 3k is a lot of money for a travelling experience, don't waste it on a month in america i'd say. they could do several months in south east asia or africa or south america on that kind of money and have a far more 'life changing' experience.

Mabelandrose Fri 27-Dec-13 08:28:21

It sounds like a once in a lifetime trip. I would want her to go if at all possible because of the experience she will get. It's something money can't buy.

I think she definitely needs to work for it though. That puts her in the driving seat and teaches her the value of money. Are there any jobs she could do locally?

Mabelandrose Fri 27-Dec-13 08:30:00

I would argue £3000 isn't a lot for a travelling experience. You never remember the money once you have had a life changing travelling experience. It is always worth it!

ChristmasSocks Fri 27-Dec-13 08:34:21

My friends daughter is the same age and at private school. She knows not to even ask. Her out of school hobbies cost enough already. Although she is schooled with some rich children once the bell goes that's it. Ugh, that sounds brutal, joyless and grim.

We sent my DD on one of these 'big' school trips (Borneo) and it was the absolute making of her. But then she is at state school. If we'd beggared ourselves to pay school fees, she couldn't have gone.

AntsMarching Fri 27-Dec-13 08:34:33

As someone who goes to the US regularly and doesn't have to pay accommodation (I stay with family), I think £3000 for a month is a bargain. I spend quite a bit whilst I'm there, usually In the region of £2000 but I'm not paying for a place to stay and a lot of my food is paid for.

That being said, you have to decide if this trip will be worth it to your daughter and if you can afford the funds.

No it is not always "worth it "

These expensive trips breed a sense of entitlement and are not necessary.

A few weeks volunteering or a few weeks camping/hiking would be much much cheaper and still great fun.

Plenty of time for luxury trips when they are older, and with their own hard earned money, IMO!

SirChenjin Fri 27-Dec-13 08:39:37

If I could afford it, yes. If it was going to be a struggle, meaning the rest of the family would do without, no. She will get over not having the 'experience' and there will be plenty of other 'experiences' in her life - she is only 16.

FWIW - be very wary of the thinking she can 'just' get a p/t job to help pay towards it. DS is 16 and he and his friends are all looking for p/t work that will fit around his school studies. They are rarer than hens teeth, despite having a really good CV for his age and living in a big city - they are all finding it very, very hard to get work.

DziezkoDisco Fri 27-Dec-13 09:00:16

£3000 woud go a lot further on a gap year and be much more of a 'life experience'

littleredsquirrel Fri 27-Dec-13 09:05:41

My DSs are both at independent school. The trips regularly run to thousands if pounds. My school mum friends and I have made a pact that none of us will cave and let any of them go. It ridiculous and imo wrong of the schools to run trips which could pay for a family holiday. The teachers get to go free of course.............

yourcruisedirector Fri 27-Dec-13 09:12:25

Disco I agree - I think I spent £5k on 5 months of travelling around 3 continents only a few years ago, and I earned all the money to travel so it made me appreciate every penny.

I travel to the States a lot for work. Depends on where in the US they'd be going but as life experiences go, I'd choose to spend £3k on visits to several other countries before I'd go to the US!

SirChenjin Fri 27-Dec-13 09:16:17

Agree Disco.

My DCs (state) schools regularly run v expensive trips (sorry, 'experiences') throughout the year costing several thousands of pounds, despite the school serving a socially diverse population - it's the same small group kids who go on all of them, surprise surprise. Those who don't attend don't seem too deprived.

Lottiedoubtie Fri 27-Dec-13 09:18:19

The teachers get to go free of course.............

I assume that's a joke? shock

Do you really think teachers should pay for the privilege of caring for your DC for weeks on end way from their own families?

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