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14 year old daughter has boyfriend of 17

(37 Posts)
littlebird99 Mon 16-Dec-13 11:53:54

This is my first time on Mumsnet so go easy on me! I have a 14 year old daughter who seems to have started a relationship with a boy who is 17, and will be 18 in April. They started by flirting online on sites like instagram, twitter etc and then progressed to facetiming each other and now meeting up to watch films, walk the dog and generally spend time together, Initially she told me he was 15 and in the year above at school. But I found out he is actually at college and 17. After lots of tears and tantrums she is still seeing him. She says he is nicer than the boys in her year at school, doesnt try anything sexual with her, respects her bla bla.. but I am worried. Husband and I not sure how to handle it. He has been at our house and they sat and watched a film downstairs near to where I was cooking etc. He seems ok but I am worried the relationship will become sexual and of course very soon he can buy alcohol, drive etc. There doesnt seem to be any embarrasement for boys to date much younger girls today. I worry that if I ban the friendship she will simply hide it from me and sneak around and lie. She has already done this to a certain extent. Has anyone any advice or experience with this?

Floofborksnootandboop Wed 26-Apr-17 13:36:49

This thread is from 2013. confused oh yes you're right 😂 Wonder why people are still posting on it now, silly me for not checking the date.

Sparklingbrook Wed 26-Apr-17 11:40:19

This thread is from 2013. confused

Floofborksnootandboop Wed 26-Apr-17 11:37:43

My DD met her ex boyfriend when she was 14 and he was 17, there was no problems at all until this year. They are now 16 and 19, he went off to uni in September and just started to be vile towards her hmm He ended up ending things between them end of February thank god!

Because I never judged their relationship and was always open for her to talk to me without me criticising her I was the first person she came to when they started having problems and would always talk to me and be honest about things.

AntigoneJones Sun 23-Apr-17 20:04:38

I would be very very careful.
My dd17 was going out with a 14/15 year old and both families had a visit from the police after a malicious 101 call from neighbours.

DaisyDaffodils101 Sun 23-Apr-17 20:02:47

I'm a 14 y/o girl, I have an ldr with a 17 y/o boy. I live in England and he lives in Scotland. We talk every day and Skype all the time. My parents know and his parents know and we have met 1 time in the 7 months of our relationship (and are planning to meet again soon!) for us, the age gap is okay. He didn't do anything I didn't want him to when we met, and vice versa for me. He asked me if it was okay to kiss me and hold my hand etc etc. It was all very innocent! For a mature, sensible girl my age and also for my boyfriend, we find the age difference doesn't matter at all. We would still find a way to talk if we weren't allowed either, we are great friends.

mrsjay Thu 19-Dec-13 18:46:25

I was 15 and had a 18 yr old boyfriend we didnt have sex although he did seem to get fed up with me after a few months probably because there was no sex as long as your dd is aware I wouldn't ban it may just let it run its course as long as she doesn't do anything she isnt comfy with

BertieBowtiesAreCool Thu 19-Dec-13 13:47:40

It sounds fine and I think your rules are sensible. It's fairly likely if he's a "young" 17 that they aren't anywhere near sexually active yet.

bakehouse Thu 19-Dec-13 13:41:52

My DS18 says it would be social suicide amongst his friends to go out with a 14 year old. One of his friends made a comment to him once that he thought DD2 aged 14 was 'really fit' and liked some of her pictures on Instagram and Facebook and he has been ribbed for being a 'peado' ever since. Obviously a couple of years older and the age gap makes no difference at all but at 14 and 17 they have such different social lives which wouldn't be easy to integrate. DD1 aged 16 thinks that if a boy that much older was interested in a 14 year old she would consider it would only be because he had either run out of options with girls his own age or that none of the girls his own age was interested in him!

chocoluvva Tue 17-Dec-13 23:08:27

IMO you're taking a very sensible line on this. Hopefully the relationship won't last too long.

My DD went out with a 17YO boy when she was 15. He was rather unsociable and I got the impression that his mum encouraged the relationship as she was glad he had a nice friend. She had no concerns about her age - definitely worth having a chat with the BF's mum IMO - though be careful what you say - my DD's BF's mum told them her version of what I'd said, so it backfired on me.

I think your approach of being welcoming to him but not encouraging the relationship is very sensible. smile

McFox Mon 16-Dec-13 22:55:22

I don't think it's a big age gap at all. In fact my sister and her DH got together when she was 15 and he was 18. 21 years later and they are married, with kids, and very happy.

Try not to worry too much. She's old enough to have a boyfriend, so give her the benefit of the doubt and trust her judgement - if you discourage it, it won't help anyone. Let her make her own mind up.

littlebird99 Mon 16-Dec-13 22:48:29

Thanks for all your help. Felt overwhelmed earlier today

littlebird99 Mon 16-Dec-13 22:47:35

Ok. Well he is def a young 17 year old. She is a fairly shy but quite mature 14. We have had another hat this evening. I've said I will call his mum and have a friendly conversation just saying hi and checking she's aware my dd is 14. But in a nice way. My rules are that she can stay friends and he can come to our house but they have to stay downstairs, never in her bedroom and is must be the same at his house. She tells me (my daughter ) that he is so nice and more respectful than the boys at school who are all after sexual encounters! Hmm. Not sure but I will ask that his mum ensures it's the same rules at their house. He has younger sisters so I'm hoping she will understand. Lots of chat tonight but I'm glad I'm making clearer guidelines .

redrubyindigo Mon 16-Dec-13 21:44:55

My god-daughter is 13 and has a 17 year old boyfriend. I am very uneasy about this but her parents seem unconcerned. I think she is still a child and needs protecting. He is at boarding school and they email each other constantly. Her parents have never checked her emails.

I am suspicious she is a bit of a game for him and her emails are forwarded for laughs amongst his school mates.

stickysausages Mon 16-Dec-13 21:41:06

Would he be willing to wait two years until she was 16.... and not statutory rape?

TSSDNCOP Mon 16-Dec-13 21:40:25

When I was 14/5 my boyfriend was 18/19. I tired of him long before he tired of me.

Keep tabs, discuss contraception but beware taking a sledgehammer to crack a nut.

Bowlersarm Mon 16-Dec-13 21:39:58

I think it entirely depends on the individuals concerned. If he is an unworldly 17 year old and she is mature, three years isn't a big difference.

I understand your concern though, if my 17 year old DS was going out with a 14 year old it would worry me. Especially the sex angle.

PositiveAttitude Mon 16-Dec-13 21:33:24

DD3 was 14 when she started going out with a 17 nearly 18 year old. I was concerned, but I did think that once he was able to do things that 18 year old do he would soon lose interest in her and I expected to pick up the pieces of a first love gone wrong. It hasn't happened yet..... and they are now married and expecting their first child. They are so happy and I have no doubts that they were made for each other!
When she was younger I encouraged him to come round our house, so that I could keep tabs on what was going on. He is a lovely guy and we get on really well.
I do understand you worries, but perhaps let her see how it goes and keep a close eye on how it develops. I did warn my now son-in-law that I would have serious words if he ever overstepped the mark with DD3 - tongue in cheek, but he got the message! he has always been very respectful and caring.

Edinbugger Mon 16-Dec-13 21:17:40

I'm not sure I agree with the posters saying that this is a normal age gap at this age. I think a 4 year gap is normal at later stages (from about 17ish) but the difference between a fourteen year old and a nearly eighteen year old is huge. Having said that - it does depend on the individuals involved - like if your DD is very mature and her boyfriend isn't then it kind of evens out a bit. What's your impression of him? Does your DD think the age gap is unusual?

Tishtash2teeth Mon 16-Dec-13 21:08:56

I had a 17 year old boyfriend when I was 14. I'm 32 now and we're still together!

NigellasDealer Mon 16-Dec-13 21:04:23

the person most in danger from this relationship is the boy

FlatsInDagenham Mon 16-Dec-13 21:01:50

I think this is a fairly normal age gap - worrying for you but not an unusual situation at all. I had much older boyfriends when I was a teenager.

My parents always kept my boyfriends close - invited them to sunday dinner etc - because any other course of action is bound to drive the young couple underground. They will continue this relationship with or without your approval / knowledge. Much much safer then for it to be conducted right under your nose and keep the dialogue with your DD open so she feels she can talk to you about it if things go wrong.

randomquicknamechange Mon 16-Dec-13 21:00:26

Right, I know this isn't a popular view but you have to be supportive keep the lines of communication open and wait for it to run its course.
I was dating a 23 year old when I was 15, I know for a fact that I wouldn't have dug my heels in and stayed with him after I got bored if my mum and dad hadn't kept banning me from seeing him, the sneaking around was much more exciting than he was.

BertieBowtiesAreCool Mon 16-Dec-13 20:53:20

I would be cautious as well. It could be (and probably is) absolutely fine, but I would be cautious.

I definitely agree with getting her involved with something outside of school - my friends outside of school were my absolute saviour when friendship politics at school were difficult. And they are fucking annoying at that age - I had so much ANGST over it and it seemed like the biggest deal ever at the time. I think it's a very big possibility that she could come to rely on the boyfriend to fill this gap, so encouraging her to spread that support would be helpful I think. I don't mean "Quick sign her up for stuff so she doesn't see him so much!!" but just so that she has some other friends in addition to him and to the school friends. I did a drama group - what's she interested in?

kilmuir Mon 16-Dec-13 20:52:24

i have a 15 year old DD, i told her about this thread and she thought odd that a nearly 18 year old boy would be interested in a 14 year old.
have you told her you are not keen. is he a young 18 or a adult one

lljkk Mon 16-Dec-13 20:48:11

I don't think it is that big a gap, pretty normal when & where I grew up, but it's very risky for the boy. I would be more worried about the dangers to him than to her.

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